The Gift nobody wants.

During my time in China, I visited a centre helping people recovering from leprosy with rehabilitation. I learnt, that people with leprosy don’t die because of the bacteria they’ve been infected with. They die because of simple cuts, grazes, wounds they ignore that become infected when left untreated because of the painlessness. People with leprosy don’t die because of Mycobacterium leprae. They die because of painlessness. Remember that.

Looking back all the Beautiful Encounters I have had with people, I begin to realise how much unspoken pain there is in each life and yet, the strongest, most uplifted people I have met are not those who have no pain to speak of, but those who acknowledge, experience, and work through pain on a regular basis. Face pain and talk to God about it. Ever so often. These people who have lost their parents to cancer, family to suicide, mothers to depression, siblings to anorexia, legs to tragic accidents- are not people on the papers, or televisions. Often, they are not even old people. They are the faces in our workplaces, schools, classrooms and churches, strangers sitting next to us on our trains and buses. Real people with real pains. Real pain that has been suppressed, oppressed and hidden for as long as weeks, months, years.

You know this. 1 in 4 Singaporeans will suffer from depression in their lifetime. At least 1 Singaporean kills himself every day. Yet, we go on in life, day by day, shuffling by alone in this huge cosmopolitan, neon-lit city, numb to the little cuts we accumulate each day, little cuts which we choose to ignore, allow to become infected, unconsciously. When things happen, we dismiss, deny, justify and minimalise. The depressed person dismisses himself, doesn’t want to be a burden and says he’s fine. The anorexic denies and justifies her eating habits, minimalises his or her distress. The stressed out student or heartbroken girlfriend minimalise their plights, say they’ll get over it.

Many times, I told myself, “I’ll get over it- it’s no big deal. It’s not serious enough to render getting help.”

But we forget, tiny tragedies are important, too. No pain is too small to be dismissed, whether its exam stress, missing someone or moving homes.

I am learning, pain is a gift from God, a phenomenon of His grace poured into our lives, a message to spur us into self-reflection, repair and renewal. I am learning, that the symptom of pain is not the illness itself, but a sign giving clues to the illness itself, a sign of the beginning of healing, if only we allow it to be so.

But how addicted most of us are to get rid of pain, and getting rid of it fast. It’s a chronic condition.

We are the lepers.

So many of us shun from seeking help, reaching out to a counsellor, pastor, therapist, teacher. Some of us turn to friends and family and find solace, while others reach a dead-end when they realise most normal folks just don’t know how to help. They can listen, love, support- but where there comes a point when you become stuck in a rut and no one understands, what then?

A long while back, something Tragic happened to someone I knew and I heard someone else say, “She’s fine. She’s coping. She doesn’t need counselling. Let’s not make it a problem, okay?” As if the decision to get help would mean acknowledging a pain that we would have chosen to believe did not exist in the first place. “She’s fine.”

” Look, something tragic happened-it’s okay to get help, it’s normal, healthy. If we just let it sweep by, and never acknowledge the grief, we will never be able to heal. The pain will only come back later, in deeper, fiercer ways,”

I was passionate about this. I argued. Because I know you can choose to sleep, choose to deny, dismiss, justify, minimalise. You could sleep on pain for years and be quite all right, only to have yourself broken into a million little pieces when that unconfronted hurt is unexpectedly triggered later on in life. We have hurts for a reason. God allows pain to tell us that something is wrong, something needs attention. That we need to stop, feel it, and allow it to teach us the deepest of life’s lessons.

Lepers die from painlessness.

I am learning-this is where the most profound lessons of life are learnt- in the heart of pain. And I am also learning- that Pain is a precious gift from God, the gift nobody wants.

When Pain arrives at our doorstep, how many of us find joy and excitement in unravelling the package packed in red ribbon? Most us search frantically for the receipt-mister God, can I exchange this for something else?

“I’m just afraid that seeing a counsellor would break her down. What if it’s too painful. What are we going to do then?”

We are morbidly afraid of Pain, so we don’t acknowledge it. We don’t want to acknowledge it so we don’t need to get help. We don’t want to get help so we get help only when it’s too late. When it’s too late, it’s… … … more Painful.

We mourn in 5 stages- denial, depression, anger, bargaining and forgiveness. Perhaps most of us sink into the first 2 stages and live our lives under a perpetual cloud of supression and chronic dullness without ever realising it. But the pain never really leaves. We merely sleep on it. And every moment we spend in our numbed painless state, a part of us dies. It is only when we allow ourselves to feel it, that we allow ourselves to live.

” I just don’t think she needs to get help right now. See, she’s fine isn’t she?”

The human mind protects itself by blocking trauma out so we can function. It’s an instinctive mechanism that kicks in.

We are the lepers- afraid of pain, afraid of acknowledging, confronting it. So many of us fail to see that if we dont take action now, fast, then denial and depression can grow like tumours, and by the time something significant happens, an Attempt or breakdown happens, we scramble, frenzied.

So many of us avoid the option of counselling, would rather skip than dwell on it, may even look at you in a HOW-DARE-YOU-SUGGEST kind of way if you even mentioned it, however casually. People think it’s associated with weakness, and want nothing to do with it. Even I struggle with the pre-conceived notions attached to it. But it’s a learning process, merely a means to help us understand our situation better in the larger scheme of things, in a way most people may not be able to help. Many find new insights and treasures they would not have otherwise found.

But I am also learning that while it is an excellent means to learn about skills, and a beautiful process of confronting and embracing the pain, gaining revelations and fresh insights, it is, by itself, not curative.

For all things, only God can heal eventually. We can talk about forgiveness, learn to forgive, try and forgive, but the ultimate healing comes from Upstairs.

But before we can even reach that state of ultimate resolve and liberation, we have to take the bravest step of all- to embrace it in its full glory. I am learning, that by confronting our shadows, we eventually find where our own light comes from. It is the paradox of healing- To embrace deeper and deeper pain before we can truly heal. I am learning, that it takes courage, humility and faith to embrace pain. It is in those tears where our strength can be found.

I am learning, I am learning so many things, waiting silently during this lull period as I prepare for my exams but preparing myself for the continuing therapy in the weeks to come, preparing myself for the Pain ahead, and the treasures I may find in it. I, too, fear, and struggle with battling the leper inside.

I am learning, what it is that Pain really is, and discovering how, in so many ways, it is the Gift that nobody wants.

For therein the heart of the hurt, lies the real present, healing and new life.