Osteopenia.

Sitting outside the scan room with a group of little old women, waiting patiently for my turn in a green gown, was a… unique experience, to say the least. I remember the shocked look of the staff when she saw my face. In that room, they had scanned thousands of elderly, wizened ladies. But last week, I was there too.

I guess I should’ve known the results, even without the test. But the doctor insisted, so I relented. Osteopenia, you have osteopenia, my dear. That explains your fracture.

A little old lady’s disease. Calcium sapped from my bones during those few years of illness. Now coming back to haunt me through a pelvic fracture I got while biking. Without a fall.

I wasn’t sure what it was about the confirmation which made my heart sink, which sucked a cloud over my head. Maybe it was wondering why things had to be this way even though I’d tried my very best with regards to recovering, had thought that with the publishing of A Taste of Rainbow, that chapter of my life was closed; Maybe it was thinking about all that money and time lavishly spent on therapy, and the exasperation of having to deal with the consequences of the illness all over again; Maybe it was the injury playing in my mind like a bad video, the thought that I would never bike again, would never run.

It still hurts. How can the injury still hurt while walking, while at rest. How can the opposite side hurt, too. The pain keeps evolving.

I suppose, it taught me, how life very often turns out differently from what school teaches it to be. We are told that if we work hard, run fast and have willpower, we will finish the race tops. But I am learning, that working hard, running fast and sheer willpower only melt into nothingness in the face of God’s displeasure.

It is not because of my own intelligence that I am studying to be doctor. It is not by my own hard training that I ended up enjoying triathlon. It is not by my own merit or determination that I recovered from my illness, am recovering.

I am learning, it is because I was fortunate enough to be parented by good people, had the opportunity to develop my strengths in a fairly good environment, had the chance to grow up in a place without war, famine or disaster. I am learning, it is because I was fortunate enough to meet friends who loved me enough to want to help me enjoy the sport. I am learning, it is because I was blessed with meeting angels who opened up their homes and extended their arms to me to embrace me, heal me, help me through bad times.

I am learning, it is because of God’s grace and mercy in my life.

Last week, I dreamt I was in a triathlon. When I came out of the water, I was disqualified because I didn’t finish the swim. I ran back to the water, wanting to finish it, but no matter how fast I ran, I couldn’t reach the pool… … I was frantic. A few days ago, I dreamt that I was running, but no matter how hard I ran, I couldn’t reach the finish line. It made me see, that part of my subconscious is obsessed about finishing life’s race, be it a physical or spiritual one.

But unless I acknowledge that life’s races are completed not by my own will, or strength, but by realising God’s blessings in my life, His grace and mercy, I will forever be caught in a hamster wheel of self-striving. Remember Jacob? God made him walk with a permanent limp so he would learn his lesson well. Oh Lord, have mercy.

In both dreams, I didn’t finish the race. I tried so very hard.

It worries me. Will I finish the race in life? I’m about to graduate. Very soon, I’ll be a doctor. People are scrambling to beef up their resumes, apply for their specialties, climb up the ladder. Would I choose to be caught in the rat race too, or realise that I’ve a different dream, my heart belongs to a different place, and that I’ve my own race to finish. Will I forget about missions.

I’m beginning to realise, how it’s so easy to get lost in the endless race of self-striving. Wasn’t that what we learnt in school, that the harder we try, the more we will achieve? Go faster, try harder. You can do it.

I am learning, that ultimately, we are where we are because of the blessings we have received from others, from God. I am where I am today, with an injury or not, because I didn’t get struck by cancer last year, didn’t get raped on a holiday overseas, didn’t get killed by my illness a few years ago, or on a bike by a drunk driver.

My injury taught me many things. It is still teaching me things now.

So if you suddenly feel like you’ve hit a wall, that you’re so tired trying to get ahead of everybody else, so exhausted from running, just remember that you are where you are because of a force greater than yourself which allowed circumstance and chance to be in your favor. And if you came to a point where you, in your own self-striving got injured, struck down, burnt out, just remember, that God’s mercies are new every morning.

Someday, I will wake up with a dream with myself at the finish line, and it will not be because I had the most willpower, or ran the hardest, not because I cured myself of osteopenia by popping calcium pills or because I achieved this much in life doing this and that by myself, but because of the mercies of a God who loves us enough to promise that He would see us through till the very end.

Perhaps, when that day comes when I truly understand this truth, it will be a miraculous moment of healing for me, both physically and spiritually. Perhaps that day, God will let me run again. I still pray.

So close your eyes, and don’t be afraid to dream, for He will see you through till the very end, too.