Kingdoms Lost, Kingdoms Found.

I remember that I nearly dropped the picnic basket when it caught my eye.

I was lugging an entire basketful of fruits, crackers, sparkling juice and cookies, trailing behind some friends on the way out of the Botanical Gardens after a surprise birthday picnic party for a close friend- when It caught my eye, and gripped me like a vice, immobilising me. The stark sight was so unusual, so grotesque in its own stark way that each of my friends stopped to marvel at the ugly wonder.

It was nary but a black tree stump, glowing and glistening in the wet drizzle, with the soil around it dug up to reveal its scary, sinewy roots below, which twisted and turned like black serpents. There was a huge crater around it, and it stood out in stark contrast to the lushness and greenery of the beauty around it.

At once, my limbs went soft immediately, and I nearly dropped the picnic basket as my hands tried to cover my open mouth.

“Wai Jia, you okay? You look stunned-what’s the matter?”

This incident happened months ago, just weeks after I had the dream about trees. I remembered the dream so starkly and realistically, because of how it gripped me, even many days after. It was pulsing with God’s message to me, yet I couldn’t quite pin it down. I remembered the vision of a large tree stump, glowing and glistening, with its roots all exposed in a crater from a bird’s eye view. It left me wondering about its Significance, the message behind it.

At the time, thick into Therapy, I remember I was still feeling quite low, quite confused during that phase of Recovery, as I had felt all my abilities had been taken away from me, that I lost my ability to run, to lead, to compete, to serve, to love, to live even, and that all I had was my empty shell waiting to be filled up again.

That day as we walked out of the Botanical Gardens, past the tree stump with its roots exposed and naked, goosebumps broke out from my skin at once.

“Wai Jia, you okay? You look stunned.” A close friend, Jt, came up close to me and asked.

To which I whispered back, in frozen shock, “Nothing… you won’t believe this… It’s just that I had a dream exactly of this sight just a while back… You won’t believe this… It looked… … exactly the same… Oh my…”

I stood transfixed, the picnic basket nearly falling to the ground as my limbs went buttery.

“Oh my… I mean… how often do you dream about tree stumps… and how often do you see a sight like that?” I stuttered, a little hoarsely.

I found out later that the tree roots were being carefully excavated as material for an arts exhibition later in the year. It would be gone the next day.

What does this mean, God? I asked there and then, struggling to balance all the items spilling out from the picnic basket. I seldom brush my dreams aside, simply because so many of them come true, or warn me astutely about times ahead. There are others still, but for another post. This time, seeing the vision in my dream in reality before my very eyes paralysed me in shock. It was deja vu, eerie, frightening and yet powerful all at the same time.

I felt God telling me something, something I had yet the ability to fathom at that moment. That was also the period where God revealed to me many beautiful insights about trees and their seasons.

It was Jt who told me, “Jia, there’s a part in the bible about a tree stump too. Maybe God has a message for you there.”

That night as I flipped open my bible and asked God to speak to me, I felt a deep and real presence descend upon me as my eyes read the words of a story which I never remembered reading.

My skin broke out in goosebumps once more, as I learnt of the eerie coincidence- in that particular story, God had given a king a dream about a tree stump, too.

Immediately, the skies parted and I felt a warm wind caress me. I was cold and hot and excited and afraid all at once. The verse spoke to my core like a sword through flesh- I understood God’s message to me.

It was exactly what The Professional People had been telling me all this while- that to truly Recover and be restored, I had to learn how to let go, let God, and trust with all my faith that God is in control, in other words, that Heaven rules.

The verse revealed what I was feeling at the time- that I had lost my abilities and talents, the equivalent of my kingdom. Anorexia and Ed had taken them away from me, and it was as if, in line with what The Professional People had been telling me, God was telling me that my “kingdom” would be restored to me when I learnt to trust God with my life, let go and let God.

It’s been roughly 4 months since the day I had that dream and saw the tree stump.

4 months later, my legs and my health, my concentration and my mind, my heart and my ability to serve others and in community and at church has finally been restored to me. It feels so good to enjoy running again for what it is, and not because of how Ed uses Ele to taunt and mock me; it feels so good to be able to enjoy studying again and be confident enough to help out and learn skills in the Operation Theatre; it feels so good to be able to lead meetings, jumpstart projects spontaneously, and to be able to sing-along and help teach Sunday School children at church. To be able to run, lead, learn, study, perform, teach, serve, love, live again- it feels like the glory of a lost kingdom being restored to its king.

What ease and joy there is now, because the heart behind these things have changed. The heart no longer runs, works, strives from a place of desperation, pride or insecurity. Rather, it is beginning to work on the infinitely lasting fuel of passion, temperence and wisdom. It is beginning to love and live boldly, because it can trust God’s control in matters, even in matters of the heart.

And it happened only because I let go of what I thought would kill me if I did- Ed, and all the other coping mechanisms and compulsions he introduced me to.

It happened only because of God’s grace to help me let go of pride, when I decided to trust His plan for my life. It happened when I decided to acknowledge that a force greater than our humble selves governs our lives, a great and beautiful and trustworthy force, so I needn’t worry, needn’t hurt myself, needn’t bear the unecessary weight of the world on my shoulders.

I look back on that dream, that picture of the Tree, and the story in the bible, and close my eyes for a moment to take in what I’ve been blessed with.

Indeed, “The command to leave the stump of the tree with its roots means that your kingdom will be restored to you when you acknowledge that Heaven rules.” -Daniel 4:23

How true.

It was a hard but simple lesson to learn. And through the journey of Recovery and learning how to trust God in faith and humility, my kingdom has, indeed been restored to me. Even when I received shocking news last week, I was able to rejoice, find peace and relief within, and thank God that He protected me from what could have destroyed me, what could have been a disaster. Instead, I’ve grown to be more confident, more secure, more discerning… trusting God more in the big and small things.

For some strange reason, I suddenly received a generous dole of more than 5 unsolicited compliments over the past week about how much more “fresh” or “radiant” or “healthy” I look now, as if people noticed a sudden and sharp change in my disposition. When a kingdom has been restored to a king, can he not look aglow? When one has been protected from disaster and finally knows the truth and no longer needs to be bothered by grating men, how can one not feel a great sense of freedom, release and relief? O, what relief. And when one realises just how faithful and in control God always is, even in the most uncertain of circumstance, how can one not feel secure, confident?

The radiance comes from having my kingdom restored, but more importantly, from finally trusting that we have a Big God who loves and takes care of us- even in the face of the most terrible, shocking news or horrible cirumstance.

Through depression, disappointment and despair, in people and in things, He is always there.

If you think so much of your life has been taken away from you, just remember that perhaps, even through this, a lesson can be learnt- that God is in control, and when we trust Him with all we have and what we are to have, all that we ever dreamed of having and all we ever had- our kingdoms- will indeed be restored to us, wholly and beautifully.

Not only that, but much more.