If you’ve ever been bullied, you’ll know that one of the hardest people to forgive are bullies.
For over ten years, I had recurrent nightmares of the same person. Over and over, he’d appear in my dreams.
I’d awaken in cold sweat, or with a stone in my gut, nauseous.
Though I hadn’t seen him for years, there he lay in my subconscious, ready with a caustic word, a snarky remark, something ready to lance through my heart.
These days, who knows what else cyber bullying brings.
Yet when I look back, I realize that it was through the same person, whose approval I so unhealthily yearned for back then but was toxic, that I picked up triathlon. And through triathlon, I met my now-husband Cliff through an unintentional Google search “Christian triathlete,” to try and understand the spiritual meaning of the sport- all “by accident.”
I am learning, that amidst the senseless, toxic torture that bullies bring, even if only through the careful choice and nitpicking of words, we can feel small and helpless, and wonder where God is. If it’s in a Christian space, this can be even more suffocating.
Yet, if we hold onto Jesus, if we take the brave steps to draw boundaries, to walk away, to seek inner healing, to pry away the tentacles that once gripped us and say to our fears in the face, “you don’t hold me anymore,” God can redeem even those kinds of darkness.
When I realized God could use even my bullies to bless me, I thought of Genesis 50:20, where Joseph, once harmed by his own brothers, said, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
Through that thanksgiving, something broke. I realized I could forgive, without exposing myself to the same kind of trauma. I could walk away, without guilt.
For 11 years, I had those nightmares recurrently, almost monthly. Now, for the first time in years, I haven’t had a single nightmare of him in months.
If you’re harassed today, if that fear niggles at you, paralyzes and haunts you in your sleep, know this- God can redeem that, even, and turn it around for good.