Turning back.

* Letter published with permission

Dearest Wai Jia,

I really don’t know how to express my thanks to you for all the rainbows you create for people like us through your webpage. I have always longed to email you and yet I was hesitant, scared as I’m not really good at expressing myself. But your entry ‘the gift nobody wants’ really made me cry and I feel the need to thank you so so much. You have managed to see the same ‘illness’ so many of us have in such a different way… As I blame God and attempt to take my life in protest, you grow closer to him; as I start to feel that society is shit, you reach out to help others…….. You’re really a rainbow Wai Jia, the rainbow that has provided me relief in the storm. You find the exact words and analogies to describe feelings that I can express only through self-harm and I thank you loads for making me understand me.

Somehow, reading your entries is therapy in itself. I’m not trying to say that I’m suddenly going to start being ‘normal’ again after this email, because I don’t think it is that easy. I feel so guilty, I’m a failed christian and I doubt I’ll ever find the kind of strength you have. All I wanna say is thanks, loads of thanks, please don’t stop what you’re doing… I know God will bless you loads, you’re just as beautiful as your words. All the best!

With love and sincerest thanks,
T

Dearest T,

Thank you for writing- For your thanks, affirmation and generosity, I’m deeply grateful, and I’m truly encouraged by your kindness. There is something I would like to say, and I hope you won’t mind me sharing this with you and others here.

We are all different, yet all the same. I want you to know that I am no different, my heart, my form and my body was made with the same substance and by the same Hands as yours are. In times of deep depression and despair, I, too, have blamed God, and considered “to take my life in protest” as you mentioned, sometimes even feeling the same feeling “that society is shit” as you described. We are all the same- our hearts, minds and bodies moulded and shaped by the same Hands, our self-pitying emotions, fear of losing control and wicked deceitfulness all falling short of the same thing. I am no different, I have felt the same way.

Do not ever feel like you have failed, or like you will never have the strength to find your own rainbow. Most of all, never compare yourself with me or any other- for we are all the same, fallen in the same places, cracked along the same faults, crooked along the same lines. Whatever I have, you have too. And whatever you have, I, too. We are made with the same substance, by the same Hands. Remember that.

Many times, most of us go through the same feelings- grief, anger, denial, despair and rebellion. The difference, however, lies in the eventual choice we make. I think it is natural to be mad at God. We all do. But I think, perhaps, it is better to be mad at God and to know so, to turn to him and tell him so, than to be mad and in denial about it, or worse, to turn away in guilt, shame, anger or cynism.

I’ve noticed-people with faiths have a great tendency to feel guilty, thinking that with God, they ought not to feel such strong feelings of sorrow, vehemence, anger. But I have only just learnt and realised, that many good men of the bible were depressed, furious and frustrated with God too. Yet, none of them needed to feel guilty, none needed to feel like they weren’t good enough. The difference between people with similar cirumstances but different outcomes is that those who find their rainbows were the ones who told Him their feelings to his face. You can say I AM SO MAD. Not behind his back, but to Him, into His face- I AM SO MAD AT YOU GOD, AND I’M REALY UPSET WITH THIS. We have emotions for a reason- but what we do with them is important- do we get mad at God and stay so, or tell him so we can listen to what he has to say, hear his heartbeat against our own?

Once I read somewhere that it is perfectly all right to be mad and disappointed with God. But we must tell it to His face, that same face which created our hearts, souls, minds, for joy, peace and good things. It is when we tell it to His face that our healing begins, for we chose not to turn away. That is the difference. He loves us so much, but we have to let Him.

This rainbow you are seeing is not created by me- We are all the same, my heart, mind and emotions made from the same substance and by the same Hands as yours, yours completely. I share the same wicked, deceitful, self-pitying thoughts- we all do. But those same Hands which have painted the rainbow for me, are the same Hands that can paint the rainbow for you, too- if only you believe so. It is not a rainbow I have created myself. The first rainbow was created after Noah’s ark found dry land after the 40-day flood, as a sign of God’s promise to Him. God doesn’t break promises. And His promise to you, to me, to all of us, is that for each and every one of our lives, He has a rainbow awaiting.

There’s no such thing as a “failed Christian” or a “failed person”. And never feel you’ll never have the strength someone else has. For whatever beauty and strength you see in me or any other, and any fault or darkness you see in yourself, you have and I have, too. We are all made of the same substance, formed by the same Hands, and loved as much by the same Heart.

Get angry and mad and sad with God if you have to. But when you do, tell it to His face. Don’t turn away. For every heartbreak you have, he has too; for every tear you cry, he cries too; and for every harsh word you say, he hurts too. It pierces through His skin like a knifeblade and he bleeds. He takes it, every time, and He wants to. Is that hard to believe?

For at the end, no matter how mad we get at Him, He never loves us any less. He loves us just as much, for telling it to His face, for not turning away. He loves us just as much. And we can always turn back, always go back to Him. He is always waiting for us to.

Whatever encouragement or glimpse of God you have found here, I have found in your beautiful letter too. We all need one another to fill us in similar ways, are all made of the same substance, by the same Hands, loved by the very same Heart, destined for the same rainbows. There are no failures in his sight, only children he is waiting for, to turn back to him. He is always waiting.

God bless you loads too, dear. You are just as beautiful in his sight.

Love,
Wai Jia

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:18