Unless You Bless me.

She was a little old lady walking with a walking stick. But she walked in grand. There was a certain majesty to her, a certain royalty. She was elderly, but every bit of her was put together. With not a strand of her blonde hair out of place, she tottered in purposefully in sheer black stockings and black heels. Clad in rich fuschia, she was a powerful sight to behold.

She opened her mouth and everybody fell silent.

To be real honest I wasn’t paying much attention. My mind was drifting away, wondering why my whole body, especially the sitting bones in my hip were so sore after yesterday’s physiotherapy.

“Jacob… was a fraud.”

That made me sit up at once. That voice boomed around the large hall and rang in my ears. I knew God was speaking to me. Suddenly, I felt as if everybody was staring at me, as if they all knew about the folly of my injury.

Jacob means “heel grabber”. It is the name of man in a story of the bible who, on being born with his twin brother, was seen grabbing his brother’s heel. It is symbolic because all his life, he manipulated and cheated others, strived on his own and did all he could to get ahead in life. He stole his elder brother’s birthright, among other terrible things.

But in spite of being the rascal that he was, God had mercy on him. One day, disguised as an angel, God seized Jacob when he was alone and wrestled with him till daybreak. Finally, the angel demanded for Jacob to let go. But Jacob continued to wrestle, and finally said, “I won’t let you go unless you bless me!”

I wrote about this before. But today, I had a new revelation. The angel was God, and had told Jacob to let go because the light of day would soon come and seeing God face to face would kill him. But Jacob persisted. Because of the hardship he had been through, he finally came to the point where he would rather die than live without God’s blessing.

In desperation, the angel touched Jacob’s hip which broke, and touched his sinew so it shrank, so that Jacob would finally let go.

That was a life changing moment.

From then on, Jacob’s name was changed to Israel. That incident changed him, to stop scheming or striving, to start giving rather than taking and to start depending on God rather than relying on his own self-centred ways. The name “Jacob” represents independence from God while “Israel” represents dependence on God.

Jacob. That wrestling match he had with God was a perfect reflection of how I suffered my injury. Like Jacob, I tore my ‘sinew’ and broke my hip, too. Like Jacob, I have spent most of my life striving to get ahead. Isn’t that how we were brought up? Top the class in primary school so you can get to a good seondary school. Top your class in seondary school to get to a well-known junior college. Top the standard in your junior college so you can get into medical school. And now, with the new medical resideny curriculum, you better be the best in your class to secure that spot in that highly sought-after specialty.

The world, with its promise of bouquets and endless applause, eggs you on. Come on, YOU can do it.

Cycling was just a reflection of my life in other areas: We are always humble when we feel inept. In the same way, I was always meek when I first learnt how to cycle just 2 years ago; But once we’re good in something, the fleshly nature and the spirit of self-striving often takes over. In the same way, I started to train more and more to be better at something I was now good at- after all, isn’t it good to excel? Ah… thin, thin lines.

She went on. “Jacob was a cheat…

… a trickster…

… a selfish man.”

She said each word with such deliberation and force that every syllable resounded painfully in my head, “Jacob… was a rascal.”

That’s me, said a voice in my head. That’s me she’s talking about. Oh God, no.

“Then how is it that later on, God says that he could find no sin in such a terrible man like Jacob? How is it that He was always by his side to protect him? Because Jacob wrestled with God, and was determined to seek His blessing. He didn’t deserve it, but God gave it to him as a display of His love and mercy. God could have killed him that day. Instead, He blessed Jacob.”

She continued, “The greatest blessing to receive in your life is to have God be your Personal Judge, for Him to deal with you, even if it takes pain and suffering, even if it requires Him to prune you in a season of barreness. Your greatest blessing is in knowing He will never leave you alone. If you are not good, He will find a good opportunity indeed to teach you a good lesson you will never forget.”

I was stunned. Then, I remembered in dismay, that Jacob walked with a permanent limp.

Since my injury, I have not been the same: I am heavier for sure. I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I have had to adapt yet again to accepting my new body, and to cope with the residual damage that Ed left in my life. Undergoing physiotherapy and being still, helped me to see clearly how exercise was such a furtive form of self-indulgement, a source of pride, and a way to gain approval. It helped me see how tight and distressed my physical body has been because of overuse. Now, I ache after every session of physiotherapy because time is spent on releasing a lot of tight muscles not only in my injured site, but down the whole leg, the opposite leg, my back and my trunk.

A spirit of continual self-striving is destructive, indeed.

Finally, just when I felt sufficiently condemned and worthy to be stoned, the little old lady said slowly, purposefully, in a long drawl, “But we are ALL Jacobs.”

Are you a Jacob too? Maybe you haven’t broken anything, but do you feel tired, as if God is wrestling you down?

“But your greatest blessing is this, that God is committed to bringing you to the fulfillment of your calling. As long as you remain pliable and correctable, He will redeem, restore and release blessing in your life. Just as how through Jacob (or Israel, which was his new name) was blessed greatly, you will be too if you let God do His work of righteousness in you.”

I was stunned. Didn’t that explain that peace and joy I had within me?

Don’t get me wrong. This injury has not been easy to deal with. I still have moments where I cry especially on friday nights when I used to get all my biking gear ready for my grouprides on Saturdays, because I know I might never ride again with my buddies like I used to. I have moments of moodiness because I feel unfit, fat, ugly or all the above. And I have times of shame in knowing that no matter what I feel, this is nothing compared to what many others have to deal with in life.

But the peace comes in knowing that through this, God answered my prayer. This has helped me remain focused on my final year of studies in medical school. This has freed me from the slavery of training and idolatry. This has helped me realign myself with Him. I am not happy with the pain and discomfort for sure, but I am joyful in knowing that I am closer to my calling. I am at peace in knowing that God is restoring me to a greater level of security with regards to my illness.

Cycling and sports was a means for God to teach me many lessons in life, a way to restore my eating habits and body to normalcy. And now that they have served their purpose, this injury has helped me to move on to other areas of development, which I would have neglected otherwise.

My old Jacob-self would have been ruined. But my new Israel-self says this experience is God’s blessing. I must trust that it is.

At the end of the service, as she took her walking stick to leave, I went up to thank her because of what she illuminated to me about my situation.

“See this stick?” she said, “I had surgery some time back because of a cancer which wanted to take my leg. God sometimes allows illness in our lives because it’s a way of refining and moulding us. We can be discouraged, defeated or in despair, or we can be determined. I chose to be determined. I told myself I would wear heels again.” She smiled.

“I want you to remember this, that as absurd as it sounds, sometimes, being maimed is good. This body we have is so temporal. What matters is what God does inside of you. When we get to heaven, we shall all be restored. Remember, the evil one can take your body, but never your soul.”

Tears started to stream down, but I knew she was right. That morning at Sunday School, I was scheduled to teach. Incidentally, the lesson plan required me to use an X-ray to illustrate the point that God can see through and into us, to refine our deepest motives. I used the pelvic X-ray of my injury and told them that God sees into our insides because that’s what He’s most concerned about. Now, the same lesson was being taught to me.

So no matter what you’re facing right now, don’t despair. Be determined, because like she said, God is committed to bringing you closer to fulfilling that calling in your life. Be brave and wrestle it out, and surely you will be blessed, even if or perhaps precisely because you held on until He blessed you.

I know He’s preparing me.

Heaven, is near.