I should also admit—
the past few weeks haven’t been the easiest.
My PTSD symptoms returned with a vengeance, and some days I’ve had to tell myself repeatedly—
“I am safe.”
“My body is remembering old things.”
“I will be okay.”
Sometimes, I feel embarrassed to still be struggling this way—
Because objectively,
the living environment we are in is significantly better, though we continue experience the unpredictability and uncertainty a developing country offers.
Trauma is strange like that—
sometimes healing is not linear.
One moment you make leaps and bounds and another,
you’re back in the depths.
I still believe it was brave to pursue a dream, move across the world, and stay through hard things.
But I’m also slowly learning:
it is not failure to choose a more sustainable way of living, loving, and impacting the world.
Sometimes bravery looks like enduring, which I have done and continue to do.
And sometimes bravery looks like saying,
“This season has cost me enough.”
Someday, this season will end. And I hope I will not blame or shame myself when it does.
And if you’re carrying hard things too—
I hope you’ll know:
You are not weak for struggling.
You don’t have to force yourself to stay somewhere that is breaking you just to prove you are brave. 💛
You are worth caring for.
In spite of it all—
today was another day of first aid training.
Showing up.
Still serving.
Still learning what courage looks like.
Sometimes, healing looks like giant breakthroughs.
And sometimes, it looks like wiping tears off your face and just showing up for another day. 💛