I repent- that in my younger days, when life was so full as a young mother, doctor, worker, minister all rolled into one… I felt hard pressed for time.
Whenever speaking invites came up, I found myself unwittingly comparing the utility of invitations in the short time I had- looking at how many people would be present- as a marker of my impact-for-time-spent.
Over time, it ate into me. I wanted to be the kind of person who simply didn’t have these considerations but I felt hard pressed to live that way.
After being put out of the pulpit for 4 months after my spine surgery, God did a deeper heart work in my heart.
This year, since quitting work in preparation for relocating for long term missions, Cliff encouraged me to say yes to “smaller” invitations, those that had less glamor, fanfare, prestige, remuneration, recording facilities.
“It’s good for your spirit, Wai Jia. You need to do this.”
I hate to say it- but it challenged me.
Thrown into a season of a 1001 things to settle before I set off for my USA book tour, an invitation to speak at a small cancer survivor celebration came up.
The logical part of me started that vexing comparison of utility- I had too many things on my plate to settle, too many emails to revert to, wasn’t it enough that I had to prep for upcoming sermons etc already?
So, I said no. I was leaving shortly, and I’m so sorry for not being able to.
But I had no peace.
Something kept heaving and stirring inside me.
I read the testimony of the person who invited me. Ps R was himself a two-time cancer survivor.
“But what could I possibly say that would encourage people who have been through far more than I have?”
“I heard you speak recently about your spine op and knee injury and I thought to reach out to you.”
No matter how inconvenient, small, late his invitation was, I felt I had to say yes.
God wasn’t calling me to be productive. He was calling me to be fruitful.
He wasn’t interested in utility of my time. He was interested in my obedience.
I invited Cliff to share his testimony of overcoming cancer.
People teared, and so did I, when I heard their stories of praise and triumph even amidst great suffering.
My second born kept trying to take my mike. It was frustrating for me at first, but a day later she told me, “Mama, when I get bigger, I want to speak with you. About Jesus.”
At the end, a lady whom I’d met at my calligraphy exhibition last year came up to me. I remembered her, because she told me about her cancer.
I couldn’t believe she’d prepared a gift for me because she knew I was speaking. She said how uncanny it was that God planned out meeting exactly on the same date, one year apart.
She gave me a gift that left me close to tears. It was a love gift- that encouraged me to book a venue for my birthday because I really wanted to do a simple book signing on that day but felt hard pressed for funds.
God was showing me- He would always provide. And I didnt need to hustle or strive for the big speaking events to “earn” my way up. I just needed to be faithful and obedient.
“Faithful and grateful” was actually the theme of the event.
I’m also embarrassed to admit- sometimes I do feel dishonored when I speak at “big institutions” and get a 2-figure gift card for my time.
Once, I actually felt angry.
This time I went with no expectations. But when I actually received the honorarium, I felt so undeserving because I’d been blessed far more than I felt I had given.
I wanted to return it, but the pastor said, “you are deserving of it, Dr Tam.”
As I end my paid job officially in a few days as the sole breadwinner, I felt God telling me I could trust Him. He cared for me. He would honor me if I honored Him.
