Speak.

When I was a kid, I would talk and talk and talk. I was an endless waterfall of talk, unafraid of embarrassment or folly. I won the school storytelling competition in both english and mandarin when I was in primary school. I topped public speaking and went on to act on stage. I never feared. I only spoke my mind.

So it disturbed me greatly to wake up one day, realizing how little I have to say and how speechless I really feel nowadays. It is almost as if so much has happened, so much of life has overwhelmed me to a point that I realize my smallness, and so much of reality has jolted me back from the grand incredulousness of all my ideas, that truly, I’ve been at a loss for words.

Two weeks ago, I made a decision. I decided that I had to stop oscillating in the spineless jelly of procrastination and stop letting life and my second book project, Rainbow, pass me by. It has been almost 6 months since the publishing of Rainbow, there have been so many opportunities presented to me to speak at churches, schools, interviews and delinquent homes. But I’ve been hiding behind the vicious work hours so I needn’t come to terms with my expressive aphasia. They wanted me to introduce me as a doctor/awardee of the YOS Award/etc and talk about my accomplishments- but I couldn’t really consolidate my thoughts to speak my heart.

Two weeks ago, after a sudden shaking by God in Myanmar, I decided, that I had to ask Him to show me what talents, gifts and abilities I have so I could leverage my life to the greatest stewardship of influence to the community around me. This whirlwind of a year has distracted me to a point that I’ve forgotten what God has made me good at.

What is my calling? What is my destiny? What is my purpose?

Do you know? Have you been in touch with your inner dreams lately?

After all, wasn’t this what my second book, Rainbow was about? To raise awareness for a cause I believed in, to spread the word, to be unafraid to speak.

God, release me from my mutedness.

After I had made that decision, another small flood of emails came in and I finally had the courage to say yes, I’ll speak to your youth group/school/church. I’m sorry I took so long.

Even though I can’t seem to find my tongue, for more reasons than one.

I was mute, because I feared pride. But I learnt over the weeks, that it takes true humility to be able to declare and share the accomplishments one has done, only because that boasting comes from a sincere rooting and groundedness in knowing so deeply, that all that one has done was by and from God, and not one’s own self-striving abilities; I was mute, because I was ashamed of my inconsistencies. But I learnt over the weeks, that we are all human, and just because I’ve the opportunity to speak to others on this special basis doesn’t make me any more holy/better/mature- it just goes to show how much more I need God in my life; I was mute, because I felt so uncertain about my future and where I was heading. But I learnt over the weeks, that no one can really chart one’s course and that uncertainty should not dictate how we feel about ourselves- our self-confidence comes from our assurance that God has a plan and hope for us, and not in our own plans.

So I’ve taken up the 3 requests that I’ve been procrastinating about. I’ve decided to dedicate my leave next month and the remaining part of the year to work to bringing my full dream of Rainbow’s purpose to fruition. I’ve decided to stop being silent and to start speaking.

I am learning, that when we focus on ourselves and our abilities, we can become overwhelmed, and frightened. We can even be smothered in our own shame.

But when we look north, and align ourselves with the spiritual compass that resonates with our heart’s passion and allow that to guide us, then we find, outside of ourselves, a certain Bigness that covers all our fears, shame and anxieties.

So much is going on in my head right now. But I just need to focus. Just need to be in that secret place with God and believe that it is He, not I, who will speak through me and impact lives.

I must believe, that the DNA of the oak tree is in the acorn, and that the full destiny of one is already in the microcosm of one’s heart.

God, just take over from here.

“Moses said to God,

God said to him,