Lost at sea.

As another twenty something year old, who is making a similar journey ( funny, i wanted to be a psychiatrist or pediatrician, but chose humanities, literature, education and want to get involved with teaching writing, and people – projects now.) I wanted to share something with you. As a traveler of the same path, I understand the knot of tension that suddenly grows in your stomach when you think seriously about marriage, or even commitment.

These are struggles I have too. Because although we have walked far with god, we KNOW that things will be okay with us. I can’t imagine “not going steady” with god. We’re very committed to this relationship, in ways many people may not experience or understand.

And yet,in the other sense of “relationships”- when it comes to worldly people, commitments and attachments we retreat into safer places, where we cannot be hurt. To truly fall in love, means to render yourself vulnerable. It means accepting your fragility while letting someone hold you. And it is SCARY, to contemplate how badly things could turn out. It scares me too, to think of marriage turning into an arid emptiness, token togetherness, or a draining relationship.

But I have a few things I wish to share with you. (Sorry for the free advice in advance!).

The best gifts god gave me are the people in my life. They brought changes in the way life “feels” for me. And when and if I meet the person I would want to marry, if I feel that “crazy butterfly in my stomach” warm feeling, I would explore it. Pursue it. Live it out. Because those people, those feelings are rare. They are not everyday things. They are the the most magical gifts life places in our path. They ASK to be explored.

And breaking years of (romantic comedies and chick flick) conditioning, I do not know if relationships last forever and if there are happily ever afters. If I am able to sustain a nurturing relationship till death do us part, I shall be proud of myself indeed ;). But even if we share a few years of love, and bitterness, and we even break from trying to keep it together- I know I will be okay because God will put me together again. And I know I will carry those lessons forward, with me, and inshallah be able to love better for it. I don’t know what my marriage will look like. I don’t know if I’ll be a divorced emotional wreck. Perhaps, I am even afraid that I may not be able to find god because my own despair will cloud me. But as of now, I am willing to try. I am willing to be open. I am willing to fall in love if my heart whispers that the time is right.

If you are able to feel deeply for someone in your heart, and they can mirror that feeling- its precious. Respect that gift. What ifs will always linger in our heads, but we need to stay rooted in what our hearts are feeling, and not the worried words whirling in our minds. When it gets overwhelming- maybe you could just breathe in and ask yourself what you are feeling on a gut level. My advice is don’t even try to verbalise it, or put it into neat eloquent words.Just gather an emotional awareness of what you are feeling. And stay calmly with that feeling, and let it flow and pass into another one. Maybe the knot of tension will transform into another feeling.

Being open to love, means being open to the possibility of heartbreak too. But one last thing, when you say “nothing is harder than marriage” – think for a moment about someone with whom you share an easy affectionate relationship with. It could be a girl. it could be a boy.Someone whom you understand deeply and makes you feel deeply understood. Someone you can ask your deepest questions to, and laugh over the silliest of things with. Someone with whom you have not had to TRY like crazy to make it “work”- just someone with whom you have flowed, grown and loved closely. I was telling my friend, whom I feel this for that our relationship feels more like a blessing, a gift that life and god gave both of us.

I feel that true love shines forth easily, effortlessly, but not always instantly. Getting to this place took me a year. But while we will in our lives, experience days when “nothing is harder than marriage”- we will also have our fair share of times where we feel that nothing is easier, and more effortless than this togetherness we were blessed enough to find. Life is a paradox!
Remember that.

I hope some of this makes sense 🙂

Live strong!
Love always

Ar