No more fear.

I got scared. To be honest, that’s what it really was-fear.

A couple of weeks ago, my publisher and the rest of the committee had assured me that A Taste of Rainbow would be ready for print. After 3 years of suffering, healing and waiting, my dream of publishing this second book was finally so close to being fulfilled. There were countless moments of anguish and disappointment with God, and one close shave to trashing this painstakingly illustrated book down the chute. All that held me back was that huge arc of a rainbow behind the Singapore flyer I saw 3 years ago on the day I finished the first draft of the book.

A rainbow is God’s promise. So I held on.

And now that God is this close to making this dream come true, I was actually… scared.

There would be publicity. People would know. For this next project to make an impact on the lives of people, to help those who are suffering, I will have to, at some point, be in the limelight. I used to be very vocal, used to enjoy being seen and heard. But like a snowflake being buffeted by the winds as it falls to the ground, I have changed, and am no longer as extroverted as I was before. I have become more shy, and grown uncomfortable with gregarious self-introductions.

This coming wednesday, I will be attending a gala dinner for the award I was shortlisted for. They will be celebrating the achievements and contributions of the finalists of the award. I’m afraid, because I’m not sure if I like that sort of attention anymore. 2 weeks ago, the university sent me another nomination to fill up for another award, and I’m simply dreading the application process. Whatever for, and to what purpose?

I got scared, because I’m not sure what people may say, how they may judge me. I became afraid, because of what people kept saying about this having implications on my future, and on my area of specialisation. Many have come, and still come into my path to counsel me to think twice. Is this what you really want to do? There are consequences. Are you sure about this? Because there’s no turning back once you decide on it.

And my answer, though now more sprinkled with awareness, is still yes and amen.

Because isn’t this what this journey is about? God is calling me to make a decision that might jeopardise myself, and I can see, how even this is a test of faith, obedience and courage. I have been through so much to see this book to completion. Do I want, for the sake of self-preservation and out of fear, to back out now? Would I be true to myself? Would it be following my heart?

No.

So I’m going ahead. For weeks I had stalled. I was apprehensive about giving my publisher the final edits. But tonight, as I walk into the new year ahead, I have decided, that there’s no turning back now.

God, I’m counting on You to give me strength and courage- the kind of courage that has no reason.

I was afraid, and shall not be from now.

Be strong and courageous.