Sharpened pencils.

“Children, what is this?”

All eyes were glued on the teacher during Sunday school yesterday.

“A PENCIL!!”

“Is a pencil useful?”

“YEEEESSS!!!!”

“Is the eraser bit useful?”

“YEEEEEESSSS!!”

“But this pencil can’t be used for writing yet, can it? And why not?”

“YOU NEED A SHARPENER! SHARPEN IT!!”

“Yes. Don’t you think we are like pencils? Unless we allow ourselves to be sharpened by God, we will never become useful.”

God, why is it you always grip my heart the way you do in Sunday School. I feel like a 7-year old when I learn your lessons.

I had just journalled about the importance of writing our plans in pencil so God can use His eraser in our planning, when I was forced to walk my own talk.

I decided, that even though I had planned to do the Olympic distance triathlon and my first full marathon this year, I would stop.

I just don’t see the point of racing anymore, not this season at least. My bike Faith was a beautiful present. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will ever change the many priceless lessons that God taught me through the sport, the invaluable friendships I was blessed with and the wonderful memories of that season.

But it is important to realise, that that season has passed.

Yesterday was my first day in the Neurology department, and I was put under one of the most intense, and inspiring doctors I have ever met. Dr. L heads the most prestigious neurology department in Singapore and is well-known for being a doctor with both head and heart, for patients as well as students. He is famous among students for being able to remember even the tiniest details about them, and for his genuinity in getting to know them. He spends about an hour a day teaching students neurology, and lots of time talking to them about life.

Today, he talked to us about Responsibility. “Whether you admit it or not, you are part of an ‘elite’ group in society which has a Responsibility to the ‘non-elite’. What does the word ‘elite’ mean to you?”

Snob. Bad attitude. Arrogant. Inability to relate to others. These were just some of the answers given.

“As a doctor, the most important thing you must remember is to be able to relate to your patients. Don’t you know, that the so-called ‘non-elite’ in our society are the people who have helped you through life the most? My daughter was doing a project at her research laboratory. Who helped her open the door to the labs every morning at 7am faithfully? It was an old grandmother, the lady sweeper. When she finished her project, she gave the grandmother a box of chocolates and a card. The old grandma nearly cried. These people are the ‘non-elite’ and they have served you. Now, it is your responsibility to take care of them. Are you doing your best?”

Something stirred inside of me, something that was once near, and now further away than I wished.

“Wai Jia,” he turned to look at me. ” Ah, so this month we’re going to eat, live, and breathe neurology, right?”

“Yes, sir,” I said.

” What if you can’t swim, bike and run?”

I looked at him, amazed that he remembered this tiny scrap of detail which he had found out about me at least 4 months ago. He enjoys dropping bombs randomly on students, just to keep them on their toes.

“It’s okay. I’m prepared.”

He turned to everyone in the room and said to them, “Everyone, mark what Wai Jia just said.”

“I’m sure, sir.”

He turned to look at me again. He has an intense stare. ” Medicine, must be an obsession. For your patients’ sake.”

The way he said it, and the context in which it was said, touched my face across my brow and sank right into the depths of me, and gripped my core.

An obsession. Now where have I heard that before. His words were like a dream that grew tired and turned its back on me, a long long time ago.

“I don’t tolerate mediocrity. And I believe that in life, we ought to remember three things. One, where your treasure is, your heart will also be. So always, yong xin. For everything you do, do it with full concentration.”

Yong Xin, when translated from mandarin literally, means to use one’s heart. Metaphorically, it means to be conscientious and wholehearted in everything one does. I couldn’t remember his exact words, but I knew he implied that he didn’t approve of the sport if it went further than recreation.

Have I not been wholehearted in the pursuit of medicine, in my responsibility to those who matter? I thought about the routine of work, the waning passion towards certain specialties, the self-doubt- can I ever become the doctor I thought I would become? Who am I becoming, and why do I not like what I see. I thought about the “well-balanced” image protrayed through my varied interests and activities, and its contrast to reality- in actuality, one can spread oneself too thin.

“Two, one must learn obedience. Three, read a lot of books. And if you’re a girl, marry a man smarter than you.”

My first two years of medical school were spent largely being ill. It was by God’s grace I actually got through them. A brain doesn’t think very well when it is constantly starved. My third year was spent in and out of hospital and skipping lessons to go for medical appointments and getting back on track. My fourth year was my first solidly stable year, where medicine became thoroughly enjoyable. Now that I am a final year medical student, I have one more year to get my act together to become the kind of doctor I had aspired to be.

I am now a final year medical student. I need to know my priorities, my Responsibility.

I eventually thanked Dr. L. To which he replied through a smiley-faced text message, “I don’t mince my words 🙂 I’m glad you took it positively.”

Sports is not wrong. But there is a time and season for everything. And for now, after much thought and prayer, I know racing must go. I will certainly still swim, bike and run, but only for leisure, health and friendship. There will be a season to do a triathlon someday. That time is not now. I only have 24 hours in a day- I write, I teach, I have another project coming up, I visit patients. These things, and not my indulgence in my hobbies, are what will count for eternity.

Perhaps, it was more than coincidence that the prayer story for last night was based on the bible verse, “Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life.”- John 6:27.

It was a sobering thought, to realise how all our time ought to be spent working towards something of value. There was a season to bike, and to learn lessons. There is now a season to stop, so I can continue learning lessons, and not stagnate.

So I took all my medals, put them in a pouch, and gave them all to Dr. L. I was surprised at the tears when I packed them, because of the memories each one held. My first triathlon. My first half-marathon. My first 40km bike race on Faith. My first 90km bike race on Faith. A race I didn’t do because of my injury.

I knew deep down, that it was something I had to do.

Because where your treasure is, there your heart will also be. The chapter about Faith has closed and a new one has begun. The lessons learnt from biking and racing can certainly be put into my studies- lessons of endurance, focus and discipline. It’s about time I settled down to finish the unfinished business in my work and work on my proficiency as a doctor. Because in less than a year’s time, that’s what people will be calling me. Doctor.

I can serve them by being a better student and doctor. But what has another personal medal got to do with them? There is a lot of peer pressure in the field of sports, and I just have to learn to say it’s enough for me, and trust that those who matter to me will respect that decision. There is a lot of peer pressure in this field, a lot of unecessary goading.

This injury has certainly been the best thing that has happened to me this year. And I’m just glad my plans were all written in pencil, and that God, not me, holds the eraser. Sharpening may be painful, but I’m sure all this has a purpose, and at the end, it will be for good. I would be more useful, certainly, in working not for food that spoils, but for that which endures to eternity.

God, help me to put my heart right where it should be.

Even while I’m tearing and struggling and learning to let go.

Now where’s that neurology textbook I was looking for.