White Light.

On the outside, there is sunshine. There is always sunshine, daffodils and butterflies. People see the good bits and are inspired. I believe it is the inner good that God’s spirit has put in each of us, for us to be attracted to the good in one another. But only I know the deepest recesses of my heart, which house darkness, shame and pain.

Today, as I reflected on my weaknesses, I suddenly felt a wave of tears gush into the back of my eyes as I understood the magnitude of God’s love for us. Suddenly, I felt the extent of my wretchedness and saw a glimpse of God’s amazing patience, love and grace towards me.

People see the good bits of me and encourage me with beautiful words. But they don’t know that I struggle with moodiness- that most times, I really don’t think I’m a people person at all. Sometimes, I spend time with the poor but am often impatient, judgemental and proud. I have impossibly high expectations of certain people around me, and can be very difficult to be around, especially if I am hypoglycemic or sleep-deprived. Sometimes, I’m not home enough, or when I am, I don’t make enough effort to connect with my loved ones. Do you know, that I spend too much? Do I really need another dress. Do you know, that I struggle with my sport- God, am I spending too much time and money on it? Where is this taking me, where am I going? My coach wants me to get myself a pair of aerobars- what does this mean, I thought we agreed this sport was just for recreation, why are we taking it so seriously now? Do you know, that I struggle most with trusting God with my relationships, because there is so much hurt, resentment and unforgiveness in my heart. I wish I could let go, forget things, say it’s all right. I wish I could practise everything I taught my Sunday School children about forgiveness and conflict resolution in the past month. I wish I could be more human and kinder to my patients, but the fact is, I am tired of being on call once a week, and I’m upset that I’ve to stay overnight at the hospital this Easter Sunday. I wish I could learn to trust men and God more.

I’m kind to the world, but sometimes, my family suffers because when I’m home, I’m so tired. God, help me.

Today is Good Friday. It reminds me of what God did for me in spite of all my failings and foibles, simply because He loved us. It reminds me of how He continues to shine persistently into our lives like a white, bright light in spite of our consuming darkness.

Today, when Uncle J gave me a lift home, with my bike racked up above his car, I was about to wheel my bike home when I noticed something different. There, on my handlebars, was a brand new front light because my current one is very small and dim. Uncle J has been taking care of me since the first day I met him, helping me in my training and in putting Faith together. Often, he makes special arrangements just so he can help me with my biking.

It was a small gesture, but thinking about the white light, amongst many other things, just made me want to cry. God has blessed me tremendously, and I don’t know how to thank Him.

I am nobody, yet, Michael, a top-notch triathlete who tops his category regularly wants to mentor me for free-he paid for a $150 fuel efficiency test for me so I could find out the optimum zone I ought to be training in. I’m nobody, but A, a swim coach well-known in the sports circles here and in Australia, has been coaching me with my swimming for free for the past few months. I should very well have stopped cycling, but 7 special friends came together to make biking possible for me- if it weren’t for them, I would very well have dropped out of the sport, and lost not only a hobby, but an entire community of people I love. They are friends who always check in to see how I’m doing, who drop by my place occasionally, and who often do special things for me like driving over to bless me with a new gadget they think I could do on my bike because they know I won’t get it myself. I have a new jersey because of them. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve a lady at church (who hardly knows me) bless me with a thousand dollars worth of skincare. When I arranged dinner for Grandpa Zhou to meet a man who was hoping to get him help with his medical fees, the man himself gave me a present “for your belated birthday present”. It was the most beautiful photo album I’d ever owned, the artsy-fartsy kind I often saw in art shops but were too costly to purchase.

When I think about it, it just doesn’t make sense. Why God, why?

Today, something simple happened. I don’t know why but it just made me feel so incredibly loved by God, because He knows how much I struggle with spending money on my sport. Michael, who’s coaching me now, wanted me to get a heart rate monitor, and I met someone who was willing to sell a brand new one to me at a third of the cost. On the same afternoon, I found a pair of running shoes fitted for my feet (I can only use one particular model because my feet are so flat), it was the last piece and in exactly my size, with a forty percent discount on it. It made me think about the past 2 races I joined for free, because people were kind enough to pass their hundred-dollar race seats to me with no return. It made me think about the triathlon book J gave to me as a present last week. It made me think about how Uncle J always goes the extra mile to bless me with gadgets, how he always ensures I feel motivated in the group, so I can enjoy riding more.

At one point sports nearly destroyed my life because it took away my health. I thought I could never return to it. Now, God has chosen to bless me above and beyond all I could ever ask or think and it makes me speechless.

The outpour of goodwill into my life has been so tremendous, so un-accidental, so deliberate that I find the only way I can repay each of these angels God has chosen to send is to live my life well, fruitfully and purposefully, and to always remember to love God and the people around me. In spite of all my terrible failings and foibles, sordid thoughts and filthy sins, why does He still choose to love me this way?

I just don’t understand. That year, I should have died.

I suppose, today reminds me all the more of God’s great love for us. That even in our filthiness and ignorance, He still chose to make the sacrifice to give us a life of eternal hope, that even for our failings, He still chooses to bless.

Today, Uncle Jt’s white light showed me the magnitude of God’s generosity and love for me.

“Why Jt? Why? Again? Another gift?”

“Because your present light is too dim. You need more light.“

“Can I at least pay you back for it?”

“No.”

It brings me great comfort to know, that in spite of all my wrongs, God continues to take the initiative to reach out to us, in big and small ways, without any demand of payment, so that more light is shed onto our areas of darkness. Because of His love, I am encouraged to keep trying, even though I keep falling in the same broken, stupid places, making the same mistakes over and over.

I suppose, it is simply in God’s loving nature, for Him to continually bring light into the darkness of our hearts, so we can, in spite of our blackness, be encouraged to know that we have an eternal light to guide us, one who needs no payment in return.