Perhaps, it is not acting in the absence of fear which makes one brave. It is acting in spite of it, jumping off a cliff with wings made of watercolour-dreams stuck together with caramel glue and believing, just believing that you would somehow fly. Faith isn’t self-confidence-it is believing in something beyond yourself, still, when you have lost all confidence. Faith isn’t easy- as with love, it comes with a risk. Faith is falling, fast down the edge of a cliff with a sinking heart, with heavy chains of disbelief tied round your ankles by the crowd around mocking you, and still… believing…
… that somehow, someway, you would fly. Still.
As 2009 comes to an end, I was asked to enter the Listening Room to reflect and have tea with Mister God, to ask what the foremost lesson it was which He wanted me to learn from 2009, and what is innermost in His heart for me in 2010.
2009 taught me about Faith, and is teaching me still. What has 2009 taught you about faith?
We all carry chains on our ankles, some of us, heavier ones than others. Very often, these chains aren’t even tied by ourselves, nor enemies, but by the very people who love and care for us, fiercely and deeply.
“Why don’t you consider doing Ophthalmology instead of O&G (Obstetrics and Gynaecology)? The hours aren’t as long, it’s not as risky, and your future family could get to see you more.”
” It doesn’t matter if you don’t finish the half-marathon. What matters is that you trained for it.”
“You know, if you do find someone special, and he doesn’t want to do mission work- maybe well, it’s okay. Maybe that’s not what God wants you to do. Why don’t you consider supporting missionaries financially instead of being one yourself?”
“If your next book, A Taste of Rainbow, never gets published, it’s really okay. Maybe, it was just a therapeutic outlet for you and that’s a sufficient end in itself.”
” Why do you want to continue cycling? Triathlons aren’t the safest sport.”
I can understand why I worry the people I love. Doing O&G is dangerous- out of all the specialties, it demands the highest insurance premiums because of the great risk undertaken by surgeons for both mother and child, the working hours are terrible-babies don’t respect night and day; Cycling is risky- at average speeds of 35kmph down a straight road, no one can guarantee 100% safety; Waiting for the right someone with the same calling as yourself can be an audacious decision- one could pass on many opportunities which could have been, and end up by yourself; Holding on to a rainbow-coloured dream could be like holding onto a rainbow-flavoured ice-cream on a hot summer’s day, hoping it would hold up against the heat.
What do you do when people tell you to let go? Especially when it’s because they’re afraid to see you get hurt, become disappointed?
There is absolutely nothing else which brings me greater joy than serving couples and their families- I would hate myself if I sold out for a specialty which I thought would give me a better lifetstyle; I cycle, keep cycling, because I never did cycle on 2 wheels till the age of 21 because I was too afraid. Every time I get on my bike, the same fears, the images of accidents and blood still flood my head, but I continue because it is fear I wish to overcome; I wait, I keep waiting, I ask God about the right person all the time and hear Him tell me ‘no’ time after time, and still keep waiting… because I don’t want to make a mistake which could last a lifetime… I hold on, blindly trusting that God knows best; I hold on to my dream of becoming a writer, even though I know my writing is so unpolished, because in this world of terrorism and evil, that little girl inside needs a rainbow just to live.
I’ve already come to the edge, with the wings I’ve spent years weaving, painstakingly. I know you’re worried my caramel wings will let me down. Do you not see there is more fear in my eyes than yours? And it is not my wings which I fear, but the chains the crowd is tying on my ankles which scare me. Why are you helping them?
Are there chains on your ankles, too? What cliffs have you turned your back on?
If there’s anything 2009 has taught me, it is to keep holding on.
By a beautiful stroke of circumstance and providence, my application to be attached to an obstetrician who has earned my respect got through; In a beautiful twist of events, when there seemed to be no hope of me continueing the sport I loved, I was blessed with a bike; Just when doubt had started to seep in after a silent period of weeks of no replies, I received not one, but 3 emails within 2 days saying that there were parties who would like to follow-through with A Taste of Rainbow, see it get published to help raise awareness for people with depression and eating disorders.
The day J brought me to look at roadbicycles and I saw Faith, the shop dealer asked me why I liked her so much. I told him briefly about Alisha, about how God had brought me through a journey of faith, but that I was there to look-see only, because I hadn’t the money anymore to buy the bicycle I wanted. He laughed, in a quiet, kindly sort of way.
“Are you laughing at me?” I asked.
“Well. I don’t believe in God. How’re you going to get the money?”
“You’re laughing at me cos you think I’m naive to wait for God to provide, yes?” I echoed his gentle smile.
“Well, just a little. It’s not always bad to be naive.”
About a week later, when the miracle happened, it shocked me into days of speechlessness.
“Looks like my naivete paid off- God provided. Let me know when your adaptor comes in. ” I wrote to him.
“Sure. Wish I had friends like yours.”
So I’m going to Kalimantan in 2 weeks time after my final exams because I’m going to believe, in spite of all my doubts and fears, there is a purpose to this all, that someday I will, together with someone, foster unwanted children and serve the needy and poor, that this isn’t a waste of time. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself just because God said ‘no’ again to someone I asked Him about because he doesn’t love mission work, because surely, surely God, there is one person in this infinitely big world who I’m meant to meet, love and serve with. And when the person does show up, I promise to be brave and not to run away, not to tell him to go away. I’m not going stop writing and painting just because every book is such a torturing process of faith. And I’m going to keep cycling even though I keep falling, keep getting abrasions and bruises, because of the life and spiritual lessons it has taught and is teaching me, still.
I’m afraid and doubtful and heartwrenched and lonely but 2009, if anything, has taught me to remove the chains from my feet, and to walk head-on, eyes closed, to the edge of my cliff.
I can hear the crowd laughing, that I’m taking these wings with me. There is a chance, that all this while, I had heard God wrongly and that it could be a fatal jump.
But God, you’ve never let me down.
2010, here we come.