People are usually good at what they like. But this is not always the case. The more challenging the task, the less this rule will apply. Having a passion, however, does place you in good stead to rough out the tough patches. Nonetheless, when self-doubt assails, a great deal of faith is often required.
“You couldn’t answer my cardiology questions. Do you find Paediatrics very difficult? And why so? Cardiology in Paediatrics is very logical. Is something bothering you- because you’re not keeping up.”
That shook me like a weed in a galestorm.
4 weeks into the module hating cardiology because of how terribly complicated I found it to be, my professor saw through my deficiency immediately. Very unluckily, during a bedside teaching session, I was asked to do a cardiology examination on a patient with a complicated heart condition and couldn’t perform well.
That was 4 weeks ago, when my mood, self-esteem and confidence in Paediatrics had crumbled into tiny sprinkly bits. I loved the subject, loved the patients, but unlike O&G (Obstetrics and Gynaecology), Paediatrics didn’t come easily to me. I had to try very hard to be on a par with others. As the exams neared and my non-academic commitments continued to weigh down on me, it became a greater challenge each day to fight off despair, discouragement and self-doubt about my calling.
A typical day at the hospital starts with waking up before the sun rises, going to the wards to interview and examine patients, attending bedside teaching sessions and lectures, attending clinics or sessions at the Operating theatre if it’s the day for surgery. Sometimes there is night duty till late at night or the next day, and one can be absolutely drained from the day’s work, especially if the hospital is far away from home. I plodded on, determined to do my best, and spent a lot of time with patients in the hospital.
Medical exams are… interesting. They involve interviewing and examining real patients (yes, they are hired to sit in for our exams) in front of examiners, coming to the right diagnosis within minutes and answering questions hurled at you by them on the spot. They can be absolutely nervewracking, especially if one encounters an examiner with a caustic tongue.
In times of great stress, I found it difficult even to continue with my routine of training, leading bible study, serving at church. I wanted to stay home to study instead, to pull up my socks. After all, aren’t studies priority? It was an intense struggle to balance my commitment to work and others. But somehow, God assured me that this was a time of s-t-r-e-t-c-hing for me, that He wanted me to learn the pain of commitment and endurance, that it takes trust and faith to believe He would see me through.
So I went for bible study, even though I was afraid to at first, and enjoyed myself.
I went back to hit the books, and became determined to enjoy that too. The greatest challenge was fighting off the haunting curses which suggested I wasn’t good enough for this, wasn’t going to make it through.
Somehow, God knows our thoughts. It is in often in our time of utter helplessness that He makes Himself most real to us.
One night before the nervewracking clinical exam:
” Just go in with ease and a postive spirit,
I think you should have no problem.
I had personally witnessed you in action before. Will pray for you.
Enjoy it and let it flow.
Imagine, you’ll only be taking this one particular exam once in your lifetime.
Take it in your best stride,
God is with you!
“All the best Wai Jia. I’ll pray for you.
You’re not just a student being examined tomorrow.
You’re a doctor and these 3 patients in your exam cases trust you to care for them and diagnose them well.
Imagine if one of them is God.
How would you serve him?
That will give you confidence and set you on the right path.
Have faith!”
– Mr. Ho
That gave me great courage, and a peace which surpassed my understanding. Somehow, I knew I just had to trust God- that He would equip me in whatever He had called me to do.
I got a tough case, perhaps the toughest for the day. And of all cases, it was a cardiology examination. The patient was 8 days old. A neonate’s heartbeat can be up to 160 beats per minute. In heart failure, it can be even higher. Each heartbeat consists of 2 sounds- a slight aberration in either may herald more ominous signs. By listening to the nature, loudness and location of the sounds, called murmurs, on the chest, one must be able to tell what has gone wrong in each of the 4 chambers, 4 valves and 4 vessels of the heart. Amazing, isn’t it? Ha, one will laugh only till one is forced to be the one to diagnose!
The baby was crying. Putting a stethoscope on a bawling baby is like listening to a rock-music radio pressed into your ear. The heartbeat was incredibly fast. It was difficult hearing the heart sounds themselves, much less the murmur. I ought not to have heard it. I ought to have panicked and melted away on the spot. But amazingly, I did hear it- even though throughout my entire Paediatric module, I must have had the chance to listen to only one or two heart murmurs of this nature.
That was when I knew God had planned this exam case just for me. During my Paediatrics module, my tutor lamented at my poor grasp of cardiology, and suggested I was weaker than my peers. I wondered if I was competent enough for the rigors of medicine. I doubted myself. I wondered why others seemed to find it easier. I wondered if I was daft.
Perhaps you feel lousy in whatever you’re doing. Perhaps like me, you often wonder if you were made for your work, even though you love what you’re doing so very much. Maybe like me, deep down inside you never feel like you’re good enough for the job. Maybe other people think so too, and tell you so. I’d just like to say how much God knows that, and how much He will equip you along the way as you continue to have faith- both in yourself and Him. But faith is crucial, and it is the sword which breaks the curses which naysayers hurl at you.
When you feel like you’re rock bottom, either in your work or in your mood, don’t give up. It is merely part of training. Somehow, God will see you through, equip you to be competent in whatever He has called you to do. Why wouldn’t He?
very timely 🙂 hugs.
lovenat
dear waijia, thanks…i'll take heart. what a fitting entry, i was just a few hours ago so fed up and wanting to quit school for good, to stop taking medications that seem to be useless.
it's been almost 2 yeaars since i've become a regular "stalker"….i wrote you once before. i still remember your reply
i may not be a smart girl or an examiner, but i know 100% that you have the heart, the love and the passion to be a fantastic doctor. so, Jia you! you're not far from your dream of becoming a missionary
<3love, theresa
Thanks dear Nat and Theresa. Am sure God'll strengthen and equip you for every task that He has called you to. Take heart, and have faith! 🙂
Love,
Wai Jia
thank you. really, thank you.
Hi, can't remember how I've found your blog, but have been reading for some time, never dared to comment though, (secret stalker, yes) hahaha :p
Perhaps you feel lousy in whatever you're doing. Perhaps like me, you often wonder if you were made for your work, even though you love what you're doing so very much. Maybe like me, deep down inside you never feel like you're good enough for the job. Maybe other people think so too, and tell you so. I'd just like to say how much God knows that, and how much He will equip you along the way as you continue to have faith- both in yourself and Him. But faith is crucial, and it is the sword which breaks the curses which naysayers hurl at you.
When you feel like you're rock bottom, either in your work or in your mood, don't give up. It is merely part of training. Somehow, God will see you through, equip you to be competent in whatever He has called you to do. Why wouldn't He?
When I read this, it was so applicable that I felt that it was almost meant for me, even – for the impending As in a couple of weeks, and the grades that I ought to have achieved long ago but have yet, not found myself anywhere near those (even .. now). But your entry (especially the above) spoke to me, so thank you (:
Hi Eudora, thank you for leaving a note. It is always nice to hear from people, and it encourages me to know that we have shared experiences. Take heart and have faith-Im sure God has deposited special potential in you. Step by step, we'll get there 🙂
love,
Wai Jia