Along the way.

We are standing up against gravity. We are moving forward against wind resistance. We are living against death, are we not? Everyday, forces from all sides assault and assail us, ageing us with monotony, dimming out visions with disappointment, and dehumanising us with digits, statistics, efficiency. Living, in its very self, requires a constant struggle against something, for when we let go and give up, our environment becomes us, becomes something we can be ashamed of.

Work dehumanises us. At the office, one is labelled a “staff”; at the hospital, we are labelled “students”. You are a staff in an office who needs to churn this report out; you are a student who ought to be a shadow behind a doctor, and see X number of patients with X disease- no matter if you can’t remember their names because there’re ten other patients waiting outside who’ve been waiting for an hour who need you to treat their conditions. Cause no trouble, meet your quota, and you will be okay. I have come to a point where I realise, that if one does not constantly fight against this deadening gravity which convinces one that one is a faceless, nameless labourer in an organisation meant to complete tasks and hit marks, one shall surely live, only to give in to death.

Suddenly, I became aware, that if I do not stay on guard and fight against this force called Medical School, this institution which claims to nobly produce humane and compassionate doctors, shall very well dry me out and kill me- like the many casualties before.

What Mdm H wrote that day sobered me. Because I realised, that in spite of her kind words and encouragement which really moved me, I had fallen in the same places, erred at the same corners, made the same mistakes, too. Being an idealist, I have a picture of what a doctor should be like too. And while it disappoints me to hear bad-doctor experiences from others, I now realise that if this erosive force could assail these doctors who once bore noble ideals and aspirations, it could happen to me, too. Worse, I realised that, it has been happening to me, and is happening to me now, too. That incident was only but one- but I have failed many more times before.

A typical day for a medical officer starts at 6 in the morning because you’ve got to report at the hospital for morning ward rounds at 730am. You review all the patients and make plans for each of their issues. Two hours pass quickly and at 9am, you are either at the clinic seeing patients till the evening, or at the operating theatre. Lunch is quick, if present at all. One or two days a week, there is a night call, which is a 36-hour shift, where one has to handle all the emergencies of the ward for the night, only to bathe briefly to attend the next morning’s round at 730am. The cycle continues, every day, over and over. You rush from one crisis to the next, but the work never ends. There are always new patients to see, and the existing ones keep asking the nurses, “How come the doctor only comes to see me for 3 minutes every day?” New people fall sick- it is a fact of life, and unless you enjoy your work, the routine shall surely poison you.

Mdm H’s writing was a wake-up call for me. I realise that as much as I wished to, I could take no credit for the kindness she had lavished upon me- for I am but a medical student in my favorite module, and under the same stresses of a doctor’s life, I cannot say I would not behave in the same detached and professional manner that doctors may often do. Would I have the time then to sit with her to chat, listen and pray? I do not know. It woke me up to the reality which is shaping who I am. And I learnt, that I do not like the way some parts of me is becoming- stressed, curt and too efficient at times. There is a forcefield out there draining us out, and we must be on our guard to fight tooth and nail against it- all the time.

I am learning, that even though we have the end in mind all the time, our success lies in our vigilance in the day-to-day, every day. Very often, in our journeys to reach our noble goals, we lose ourselves along the way.

Perhaps the greatest challenge we face, is not when we are at the starting point visualising ourselves at the end, but what we do and think in between those two points.

I think that was what I was most afraid of while training for my first triathlon-losing myself. I was afraid that Ed would creep back into my life. But this time, God has been gracious, sending angels to battle for me against the many forcefields which ought to have embittered and disenabled me. There were points of discouragement, but God sent people to remind me never to be complacent, never to be so enraptured by the endpoint only to forget the process along the way. Even though the race is tomorrow, I feel like I’ve already won the crown, for it was the journey till the race which was the greatest challenge, not the race itself, and so the victory has been won- for this is the first time I have journeyed this way with so much peace, joy and freedom. This is the first time I have learnt what it means to surrender oneself to God in sports, what it means to really trust Him and enjoy the gifts He has blessed us with. This is the first time I’ve learnt so much- physically and spiritually. This is the first time I’ve had so much fun learning along the way.

And I hope the journey in medical school, or for your work will be likewise too. That it will be the many victories along the way that we will allow to shape us, and fight against the gravity of this world, instead of letting our destinations distract us from the importance of growing through Process. I hope that realising this will give me hope to be the kind of doctor Mdm H had envisioned, and not the doctor I am becoming now (sigh). I must remind myself of the importance of fighting against this resistance- with joy and courage, every day.

Tomorrow, many people will stand at the starting point of the swim, bike and run, bracing themselves for what may be one of the biggest challenges of their lives. But I think I shall stand, albeit at the beginning of a very short and modest race, knowing that the greatest challenge has already been fought for me, by His angels-

– and then the fun will begin.