Like a Grain of Wheat.

Two weekends ago, we had a thanksgiving dinner at my publisher’s home. It was Special, because it was the first time we all met together to give thanks for this humbling journey since Kitesong began. It was Special, because the Kitesong DVD (more details soon) had just been launched and it was the first time we all got together in one place to watch it. It was Special, because on that table filled with a sumptuous home-made spread, I discovered that I was set free, much recovered from that darkness of anorexia and depression, as I enjoyed the meal with ease and contentment, gratitude and joy.

I looked at the DVD cover and a flower of thanks bloomed within me, thanking God for the lessons I learnt about faith, humility and trust through this journey. Beneath the word Kitesong on the DVD cover were the credits in small font, and I knew deep down inside that it was Him who deserved the most credit of all.

The Kitesong DVD is His, not ours, nor mine.

When the first draft of the DVD cover, designed by my publisher, was sent to me, it was perfect, except for one thing- my name, just right there in large print, stood out like a sore thumb. I didn’t put the DVD together- it is the product of the initiative and generosity of my publisher and his beautiful wife, the genuinity of one of national day composers-Sydney Tan, and the digital animation of Digidreams director Gilbert Yeo himself. The DVD helps to raise funds for needy children and youth all over the world- and it was Ps Norman (who heads the Methodist missions society that runs all these orphanages) who suggested expanding the cause to benefit more children.

So we took my name in large print off the cover, save for the credits in small font, and it felt right that way. After all, the DVD was truly a collaborative effort, and my publisher and his wife claimed no credit, though they sponsored and thought of it.

It was through a little child which God spoke to me, about being small and humble enough to be used by Him. The smaller we are, the bigger God can be for us. It echoed Loren Cunningham’s words (founder of Youth With A Misson): God can’t use you if you’re proud.

I was at Sunday School at my White Place, talking to kids again. I love children, and I always like to ask them for their favourite colours, after which I ask them to guess mine. Little Sarah exclaimed randomly, “PURPLE AND YEELLOOW!!”

Whatever answer they give is undoubtedly right because I love all colours. “Yes!” I answered in mock astonishment and excitement, much to her delight, “How did you know?” I watched her squirm in childish glee.

“Haha, and I have one more favorite colour. That’s WHITE. Colour of my dress, see?”

At this juncture, I always ask, “Darling, do you remember my name?”

Most of them can’t remember, for a chinese name can be quite a mouthful for young ones. I’ve seen frowns, sheepish smiles, tiny fingers scratching their heads, but nothing prepared me for Little Sarah’s response, and the revelation I got from it.

” CAN I CALL YOU JIEJIE (big sister) WHITE-DRESS?”

“What? Haha, my name is Wai Jia, dear. Try again- wwwaaaaii jiiiiia. Jiejie Wai Jia.”

“JIE JIE WHITE-DRESS!!!”

It was like a veil from a window was torn before me, and the sunshine brightened a darkened room.

The more I know God, the more I see the importance and beauty of a humble heart, one which works in quietude and faithfulness, without need for affirmation, recognition or applaud from the world.

Little Sarah made me question if I could find complete fulfillment behind the scenes, let God be Big for me, without needing a gold medal on my breast, and my name to claim credit for. She brought me back to the beginning, where all our gifts and experiences are from God, where we can give thanks for everything, with humility and gratitude, because nothing I have is mine. She reminded me of the thousands of nameless missionaries who give up their whole lives for others, working faithfully and silently for the good of others, without their names splashed across headlines for the wonderful work they do.

Can I be like a grain of wheat? Humble and small, nameless, and yet full of potential, able to be used by God to bless others?

And as I fingered the DVD cover, I thanked God for the joy in my heart, which would never have been there two years ago. It went against the old me- and I felt His pleasure when I found myself different, able to let things go, happy and utterly content.

I think about how my life has changed since I found my life with God, how Kitesong has transformed my perspective on so many things, how more and more, I find joy and fulfillment in simplicity, humility, and quietness. I think about White, about how as a citizen of God’s White kingdom, I have the privilege to marvel at the Bigness of heaven instead of myself.

I think about White light, how though it illuminates all creation around it in incandescent beauty and truth, it is in itself invisible.

For all its worth, it claims no credit.

And then I find myself, though having my human ego just a tad short of being slightly bruised, having a heart of thanksgiving and being courageous, confident and carefree to say in reply to Little Sarah….

… “Yes darling Sarah. You can call me Jiejie White-dress.”