I thought I would be deeply troubled, but I awoke with a White lightness, a sudden lifting of my spirit. I thought I would be hurt, but I discovered a White freedom. I thought I would be mad at God, but instead, all I feel is more and more of God’s love touching my heart, reaching deep into my soul and calling me by name. I rest my head on God’s bosom, and feel his fingers run through my hair.
How beautiful it is- that one can stand strong, and genuinely rejoice even, in the face of Bad news- because He loves those who love Him through humble obedience.
The Bad News should have left me broken.
And there is a strange lightness in my heart, in knowing that I came through this test stronger and surer of myself, cherishing myself far far more, and feeling more loved than ever by God. I think I did make a few mistakes, but God’s grace is touching me deeply and healing me every day. There is pristine lightness, in knowing that I didn’t let myself or anybody else down, that I shortchanged nobody but came all the richer from it, that I fought the right battles and fleed the right situations, and it was worth it.
The Bad News taught me so much, gave me so much.
Ironically, I’ve become bolder, too. I used to put myself at a distance from men lest they turned out to be Bad. Now I see how I no longer need to fear, because as long as one puts one faith and identity in God alone, one will always stand strong. No matter how Bad the men may turn out to be, however Fallen they might be, God will strengthen one’s heart and steady one’s feet for the worst. Now I see I’m even clearer and surer of what I want and don’t want, and of my own worth.
Ironically, instead of finding myself dealing with grief from a seeming loss, I find myself rejoicing in the gains that God blessed me with through it all. I lost little, but gained much, much more. I lost, because I, too, am fallen, but I gained more because God’s grace gave me the strength to love and obey Him.
I woke up with such an effervescent lightness. Songs were bubbling from my soul at dawn. There is an abounding joy in my spirit, in knowing that I emerged largely unharmed, because God shielded me. God’s wing shielded me, because His grace gave me the strength to obey His whisperings to me to guard my heart, and to save it first for Him. There is a pristine lightness and an indescribable freedom, for I no longer have to struggle between measuring possibilities and considering the future- because it’s finished. My initial impression was correct, my judgement not too harsh. This part of the Story is over, and oh, what great relief there is in my soul. What joy.
The heavy chains which yoked my heart, tugging and nudging at it as if like a warning message from God, have risen like White balloons into the skies.
I now see, for my very self, how the consequence of feel-good, worldly fun can imprison one with heavy shackles, can cause one to lose so much. And I now see, for my very self, how restraint and obedience can set one free. For all the times I chose to kill my flesh to take the harder path, I now know that it was worth it. For one, I know this freedom this morning has a reason for it.
-God’s love.
And as I remember the Good that came out of this, I put my hands up to rejoice, in the love that God had and has for me. I feel His warm, fuzzy embrace envelope me, even as I seek forgiveness for the times I strayed from the harder path, because every day, I prayed for guidance and yieldedness. Those prayers didn’t go to waste.
Just as I stood in awe of His grace and love for me as I travelled to the hospital on the train this morning, I received a text message from a friend. “Look for me at the train station when you arrive.”
“I made this for you. Breakfast.”
I was handed a brown paper bag.
Homemade egg sandwiches and Milo and serviettes in a cute doggy bag at seven in the morning.
I learnt so much through this- to trust myself, to trust God, and that love comes in small packages and deeds from the heart. I also learnt- to love myself. Because it is God who determines our worth, and not the things which others do to Disappoint us.
When we bring God into the picture, we are always Surprised. So wherever you are, whatever you’re feeling, bring Him back. Bring Him back.
Because He loves you, too.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
– Romans 8:28
Hi Angel… wonder if u remember this name Daleth….
she brought me to your blog… m I have find much peace n comfort from here…
God bless… >>hugs<<
rach-Little Lamb
Hi dear,
Yes I met Daleth while white water-rafting in Nepal when I went back to the orphanage… We were random Strangers who became friends… She has been a beautiful blessing, and I’m thankful and encouraged for your response. Keep loving God, for He loves us too 🙂
love,
Wai Jia
Hi Wai Jia,
God is amazing ya… how he bring all of us together…
Guess what… Daleth is now in Perth!Hope she has adjust to her ”school life” there. Misses her lots here.
nice to know u!
rachel
Hi Wai Jia,
I just read “The Colour of Disappointment” and I’m writing in response because I’ve been pondering those issues as well. Hope we all don’t become too cynical, though! Because I think that when faced with such disappointments and disillusionments our hearts slowly harden, as we do not want to experience hurt for ourselves.
The difficult yet Christlike thing to do is to allow your heart to stay open and full of hope in a world that’s just so messed up. I’m still learning this, but I find one thing very helpful, which I’m glad that you mentioned- allowing no one or thing to replace God as the most important person in your life. Then there will be no disappointment that can derail your life, for God is unchangeable…
And there’s also the aspect of experiencing God’s love personally, as you have expressed in so many of your entries (: That’s important… because we are made for receiving His divine love, but often try to replace it with acceptance and human love which cannot give us the same reassurance, stability or identity.
On another note, I do understand too that marriage and relationships will involve a big question of trust. Not only trust in your partner, but trust in God to make something good out of the marriage if both of the parties have put God first in their relationship. As I write, I realize this one thing for myself personally: rather than worrying and expecting that the man I love will be unfaithful, I ought to be praying for him earnestly, for this is the will of God. Haha, for the woman’s part, we have to be on our knees, and examine ourselves as well. Often when there are incidents of unfaithfulness the women did have a part to play, whether it is to a small or large extent.
(: Take care of yourself Wai Jia, keep the faith, and I might see you around!
In His love,
Jean
Helloo Wai Jia! Shiyun here (: Long time no tag(: I’m so glad for you and so happy and proud that you’re back on track healthwise! It was great to read about how you’ve made a significant victory in this battle! May God bless you always and take care! I miss talking to you much(: LOVE.
Hey dear Jean,
It’s lovely to hear from you again 🙂 Yes indeed its important to keep our hearts softened… the amazing thing is- when we put God first- as parent, lover and friend- then disappointments hold much less power to harden our hearts.
Yes, i fully agree with you regarding the part abt relationships, and thank God that He’s kept me out of any relationship till my heart is right and ready for it. In a world which keeps pressurising us to keep in step with its values, lets continue to be patient, to find our identities in God alone and trust that He has prepared a hope and a future for us. We need to guard our hearts at all costs- for they are most precious to God.
Thanks for yr encouragement and sharing yr insights dear. Let’s keep looking unto Jesus, as Father, lover and friend, and trust Him with our futures. Your persistent prayer is an encouragement to me- press on 🙂
Love,
Wai Jia
Hey dear Shiyun, great to hear from you:) Thanks for yr lovely wellwishes- Keep staying close to God:)
Blessings, Wai Jia
To Ar’s msg in my mail-
Hi !!! I stumbled across your blog, kitesong some time ago, and i had to let you know that i think its absolutely beautiful. What touched me more was the fact that both of us have known ED at some point in life, and share a personal relationship with god, not to mention so amny other things we had in common.. And i am so impressed about kitesong, and your efforts for those children. *applause*. thats amazing. . . i’d love to get to know you better. :Pkeep smiling, Ar
Hi dear, thanks for dropping by and for yr encouragement. Glad to know we have some experiences in common and I hope it touches yr life in a positive way. Keep living strong 🙂 love, Wai Jia