Some days, like today, I feel fragile, crushed and small.
But I often wonder if that should have been the attitude I ought to carry everyday before the majesty and greatness of our Lord.
To be so unassuming as to say, “I don’t know anything better in my life than to just surrender to you,” even if my life looks like dung to the world.
Can I confess something?
When Mpox and Marburg broke out in Central and East Africa lately, I wanted to do more. So after much prayer, Cliff and I decided to avail myself to WHO/UNICEF for deployment again, the same way I offered my expertise in Swaziland when I was deployed there two years ago.
I was so stoked. They reverted with Sudan, Ethiopia, Rwanda and South Africa as possibilities. We prayed even more. There was so much to lay down- my safety (esp in Sudan), separation from the fam (which is controversial), etc.
After lots of back and forth, there was silence again.
I didn’t realize how much that would shake and mess with my sense of identity, worth and utility. That perhaps, deep down inside, I still count my worth based on what I can do for others.
And oh, the wretchedness I felt to not be needed. To be waiting. To imagine the possibility they might never call on me. 😭(Sometimes it takes months.)
It spoke volumes about how I see myself in Christ, still a child of striving rather than a weaned child. 😪
What a work that still needs to be done on my inside. 💔