Have you ever looked around to see who was in the room watching you?
I know I have.
My heart’s raced thinking about what they thought, and whether they’ll walk away impressed.
A question haunts loud in my ears — Will I disappoint?
When I left eclectic downtown LA to the all-white American town of Bristol, Tennessee CMDA Headquarters, I lay awake at night, heart deflated, wondering what a young Asian girl could offer, that these very senior, well-educated professionals didn’t already know.
If I didn’t think I had a racial inferiority complex, it sure hit me then.
Weeks ago, I’d been offered to speak on the same day in New York City, but I felt the Holy Spirit ask, “Would you drop a less prestigious invitation for a more eminent one, or would you hold onto yr integrity?”
Deep down, I knew God wanted me to honor my first commitment.
Amidst self-doubt, a friend encouraged me, “That’s exactly why he CAN and WILL bless the world through you! Imagine the disaster if you were puffed up with pride, feeling fancy in your power. Think of how well you will relate to anyone who may also be feeling small and incompetent.”
It’s true- that the more I fall short, the more God shows up, as long as I show up authentically, too.
Later, I received a message that brought tears to my eyes, from a 50-yr old lady who cried—
“Your words were a God whisper to my ear. Thank you for walking in His will so that I, in the foothills of Tennessee, could be reminded that I am loved, seen, and can be brave to the calling of God in this season of my life.”
I realized— that once we stop trying to impress to be who we’re not, we give God the opportunity to take the little that we are and turn it into much more.
Let’s pray that no matter how small or large the crowd is, how receptive or hostile, how humble or distinguished, and whatever their demographic or whoever is there to critique us, that we’ll always care more deeply about touching one life in the back row than impressing one guy in the front seat. Because friend, that’s what Jesus did for us.