A stone sank in my gut.
Would I do well? Who was I kidding? Was this real? Did I deserve this?
Sitting by the window seat on my first flight out as a consultant jointly deployed by the United Nations and World Health Organization, self-doubt engulfed me.
To feel like I had to prove myself in six weeks on deployment felt like a tall order. But it was then that I realized— it wasn’t the first time I felt that way. When I was sent as a Fulbright scholar to Hopkins, I remembered my undergrad medical school transcript of Bs and Cs and instantly felt diminished.
Someone must have made a mistake on me, I thought.
Do you, at times, feel the same way too? Certain you might disappoint? That someone took a wrong chance on you?
But day by day, in that little known part of Africa, I’d wake up each morning, just asking God to help me be present to the task at hand- whether it was making a presentation to top directors of international stakeholders or visiting villagers in remote towns.
And day by day, God proved to me- that He didn’t my qualifications. He didn’t need me to live up to anything. All He needed was my obedience.
Because in the first place, it wasn’t my qualifications or achievements that got me where I was. It was His hand, filled with grace, that walked me through, step by step.
At the end of my deployment stint, some things surprised me— I was given a glowing assessment by the local team. BUT, some key KPIs of the assignment were never reached. Vaccination rates, no matter how hard we pushed, remained slow in growth due to factors outside our control.
But I felt God beaming down- pleased at a sacrifice of obedience.
I learnt, that perhaps that’s all we need- a moment-by-moment walking out a daily practice of obedience. Without the weight of expectation nor obligation of being more than He has made us to be.
For where there are gaps, He in us fills.