Thank you for asking this.
Yes, I do. I struggle with this a lot.
For all of people’s goodwill and kindness, I struggle with accepting them, especially if it’s something I’ve really really wanted.
Whether it was a set of new wheels for my bike, or clothes etc…
I tend to categorize these as being “frivolous” and thus not essential.
Over the years, I’ve had to challenge myself and my underlying narratives of me feeling “not good enough” to receive them, or having a “fixed mindset” like “oh, if they give stuff to me, it means someone else has less.”
Because these are all false narratives.
Over time, God has helped me accept a number of things-
1. People who give and gift can also be encouraged when you accept sth they have so courageously obeyed God to give to you, even when it was profoundly awkward for them.
2. Accepting builds humility. It shows I accept I can’t do everything by myself.
3. Accepting builds community- I have formed friendships with people I would otherwise never befriend on a normal basis.
4. I am reminded that God is not a finite being, and it encourages me to give, give, give more because He can always fill my cup.
I also think being humble to accept a gift reminds me of the grave responsibility of stewardship I have.
Recently, when I was looking for a 2nd hand watch to measure my running distance, someone I didn’t know personally offered to buy me a new watch.
I declined politely.
I think I wanted to be careful not to take advantage of my privilege on social media, not for a watch.
Someone else reached out to me saying she was overseas and her watch was left collecting dust at home so she would love to pass it on to someone who could make better use of it.
I happily agreed.
It aligned with my values.
But when the watch got delivered, it was a brand new Fitbit.
I frowned at it for a long time, not understanding.
Then I felt God speak to me, “Why will you not accept a gift that’s new versus a gift that’s old?”
And my poverty mindset was again exposed. Deep down, I guess I felt I didn’t want to impose on someone else. I didn’t want to “waste” someone else’s money.
But over the years, even as I give to others, I learnt that the greatest joy to have is actually to have your gift enjoyed and luxuriated in, especially if you’ve paid a full price for it to bless someone.
So now, when I use the Fitbit, I thank God for it. I remind myself not to punish my body the way I did many years ago. I use it to keep fit to pour into others.
I have gained a deeper understanding of the character of God- that just because I do humanitarian work or am a minister, I don’t always have to have second hands goods- which is a false belief I held onto all these years. Don’t I trust God has infinite resources?
Nonetheless, I think that sense of unworthiness may not be completely bad if it’s the kind of “unworthiness” that Mary had when she poured oil on Jesus’ feet.
I mean, seriously, why does God even bless us at all. We don’t deserve any of this 😭😭😭
So in those times of “unworthiness,” I just let the tears flow and thank God for giving me a glimpse of His goodness. I hope my stories of His grace can encourage others to likewise trust we have a Good Father 💛