Many years ago, when I began to receive awards and accolades, I began to feel a shift in my soul- a dependence on outward affirmation for who I was inside.
One day, to my horror, when I realized I had missed out being accepted for a prestigious Prestidential award because it had gone to my other inbox, something inside me unraveled permanently.
Then, came the blow of having not one, but two TEDx talks postponed, then cancelled due to the pandemic and other reasons.
I discovered, to my great shame, that I had become dependent on external roles, titles and awards to define me.
I hadn’t realized, that I was using these crutches to shore up an insecure, fragile self inside.
Years later, struggling,
I still grieved those losses.
That was why becoming a SAHM in 2018 crushed me.
But it was the awakening I needed.
The crushing released the anointing.
And when I returned to work, I was different.
Today, I still struggle, of course.
I still resent it, recoil inside when people compare me with others.
“How much influence do you have?
What’s your paycheck?
How many followers do you have?
How many subscribers do you have?
How many views do you have per talk?
How many speaking engagements do you field a month?
Did you get nominated for this award?
You could be like him or her.
They are your age too.”
So, if I had to define my greatest breakthrough in 2023, it would be this-
It was stepping out of myself and seeing my response to awards, and what I’d begun to value more.
For the Prestige 40 Under 40 awards, my heart swelled more because of the photoshoot- that it broke the way I saw myself.
It gave me a vision of the person God made me to be inside- strong, beautiful, anchored.
Words that were the opposite of the labels I’d lived through most of my life.
“You are so weak.
You are so ugly.
You are so flighty and dreamy.”
The photo shoot, and the new way it allowed me to see myself, gave me the courage to say, “NO, THANK YOU. I DISAGREE. GOODBYE.”
Later this year, when I was invited to be featured as one of “Singapore’s successful people” in a British encyclopedia, my indifferent response startled me.
I rejoiced quietly, knowing something inside me had changed.
I didn’t need these accolades anymore. They did not make me better or worse.
Something deep inside bubbled with joy when I discovered it was other “achievements” that brought me profound joy instead—
Being awarded the “Special Recognition award” by NUS Medicine, an award for role models nominated by medical graduates answering the question, ‘Who are your role models and what can you learn from them?”…
… is by no means a prestigious award in the eyes of the world.
I had to miss the award ceremony and I think I just get a certificate.
But it meant the world to me- considering how hard my mentors fought for me to have teaching time in the curricula and I only teach so few lectures on Global Health.
The students remembered me.
What I said mattered. 😭😭
Just days shy of 2022, I was notified by a friend that I had been awarded The Public Service Medal by the Prime Minister’s Office for my contributions to the nation for COVID-19.
But what surprised me again was my response. There was no warm swell, no giddy excitement.
All there was, was a measured text written to my parents- a reason to thank them.
But the best way to end off 2022 for me was to receive this series of messages:
“Dear Wai Jia,
You know, my family and I have been listening to your sermons in the car whenever my husband drives…
And the kids are amazed at your journey and level of faith.. of what you would do for Him.
They are 13 and 11. And we have had such delightful conversations about God from your sermons.
I wasn’t sure if they could and would understand the context of your sermons.. But it turns out… They do!
What really helps is… how you preached with stories, anecdotes and with such passion, energy and animation. Thank You for blessing our family.
Now, the kids will automatically ask me to play “Wai Jia’s sermons” when we are in the car.. Sometimes, when we reach our destinations and have to exit the car, they would exclaim because they wanted to finish the sermon and know how God came through for you.”
How these messages made my heart smile, more than the National awards, encouraged me, that I have made progress.
Because in a world where my number of followers, views and subscribers don’t stack up, God is showing me (through the joy I experienced reading this)…
That I have progressively let go of defining myself by external
factors and enter into living authentically.
“Sometimes our gifts are actually destroying us, and our gifts and strengths can undermine the greater good God is laboring to bring forth in our lives.”
– #ruthhaleybarton
In 2023, my prayer is that I can continue to live authentically and confidently.
That I will have fewer nights going to sleep doubting my worth and impact.
Because ultimately, our impact is determined by God.
I can affect, but I cannot control it.
To a large extent, no matter how much I try, it is out of my hands.
What He demands of us is simply obedience & surrender.
THAT, I can give.