“Are you going on holiday?”
The question stuns me.
I understand why it seems obvious. After all, we’re heading to North America when my husband is from, and my children were born. Surely, this classifies as “holiday.”
But few know the trauma we went through, how Cliff and I underwent a year of therapy after living there to save ourselves and our marriage.
Severe antenatal depression. Racism experiences. Toxic work experiences. False prophecies gone wrong. Public shaming experiences.
I sat in the car today, tears pooling. I would do this for Cliff. But in a world where my name was hardly remembered, when I felt no more than a SAHM-function, when suicide was an everyday challenge, I struggle to return to that place.
I smile wryly, when all I’m being asked is how come I’m so much larger than when we got married, how come my English is “so good,” what my name is the tenth time. I shrink into that chubby kid called “Ms Piggy,” awkward, in hiding. I bristle at what my husband is being pelted with in difficult situations.
So no, Canada is no holiday. It’s a battleground, a chance at redemption.
I know God planned it, when the opportunity for ministry opened up in San Francisco, and it became obvious He wanted us to return to Canada, too- to heal and come full circle.
Friends, if there’s a place you’re struggling to return to, if you’ve done all the hard healing work you need to, perhaps, the most courageous thing you can do- is to take the step to revisit it.
However painful it might be, maybe there comes a time to bring the new person you are into that old situation. Rewrite the narrative with new words-“That is not appropriate, thank you.” Grapple with the truth that you are not your worst experience.
I remind myself of what Sarah-Faith always tells me, “Mama, you’re my beautiful angel. You can do hard things.”
Be who God made you to be. Walk away from those who can’t see that. Speak up for yourself when needed. You don’t need anyone’s stamp of approval to be the “cool kid” you already are.
You’re strong enough, to come full circle.
We can do this.