Very often, in a bullying situation, it’s a lot easier to blame the victim.
The questions that pummeled down included:
“Why didn’t she speak up sooner?”
“Why didn’t she report it at once?”
“Why didn’t she avoid the bully?”
These only add a double-shame to the child.
Instead of pointing fingers, Cliff and I emphasized we were not here to demand a meeting with the other set of parents, nor blame the teachers.
The question Cliff & I had was:
What if our efforts were spent looking at the SYSTEM and it’s GAPS?
– What escalation policy is there for such incidents?
– What disciplinary measures are set in place?
Ultimately, we believe
A COMMUNITY WITHOUT BOUNDARIES AND CONSEQUENCES IS NOT A LOVING ONE AT ALL.
Love is not just a warm feeling,
It’s the courage to set a safe, secure environment by instituting laws of cause and effect, where bullies must reap consequences of their actions.
When efforts are disproportionately placed mainly on how the victim should avoid the bully, without addressing the bully’s consequences, the message we send to all is
THIS IS HOW YOU GET AWAY WITH IT.
This is not acceptable.
I learnt from @shiaoyin_kuik at her recent workshop that in a system that works, it must be balanced by BOTH POWER & LOVE.
Power must be exerted to establish authority, accountability, growth.
Love must be exerted to establish safety, security, warmth.
The paradox is that both must be in balance for each to flourish.
At the meeting with the new principal, we asked again and again,
“How is the system supporting an environment of love and safety? What are the consequences and boundaries set for bullies?”
When there was no concrete answer, we said, “Then let’s work towards addressing these systemic gaps. What policies do we need? What conversations do we need to have?”
This keeps the conversation progressing forward, instead of making it personal.
The best thing I learnt lately from the workshop is that when it comes to system dysfunction, the impact of bad things FEELS personal, but often never is.
Clearly, after our old principal left, there was a GAP that could be environment of love and safety? addressed by having a SYSTEM in place.
The workshop gave me HOPE that ultimately, WE can work towards improving SYSTEMS.
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Heck yeah, this is gonna be a lot of work. I leave for India on deployment with WHO tomorrow. Addressing some systems gap at our preschool is the last thing we need on our hands. BUT I learnt this week in a classroom, that effecting change is NEVER EASY.
It is uncomfortable, effortful and requires COURAGE & INTENTION.
Is it worth it? Only YOU can decide.
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We left the conversation disappointed by many things. But we felt encouraged that we stayed true to our values. We were firm but kind, we were relentless but open. Advocating for LOVE does NOT mean being a pushover. The biggest handle l learnt from @shiaoyin_kuik earlier this week was-
Before entering any tough convo, always BE CLEAR WHAT IT IS YOU WANT.
Our ask was clear. We want to see a system that supports CONSEQUENCES & BOUNDARIES. We don’t know if it will happen. We were disappointed by the amount of victim-blaming that still goes on today.
But I know one thing, God is in control. He is our Defender.
Rosa Parks changed history not by banging tables, but staying dead firm on her CLEAR ASK.