Last year, when I attended @shiaoyin_kuik‘s Facilitating Powerful Conversations (Part 1) workshop by @ourcommongroundsg, it was a life changing experience.
I stood up to Sarah-Faith’s playground bully’s mom.
I fired a staff for lack of integrity with what I can be confident of to be a balance of compassion and righteousness, only because of the series of conversations I was equipped to have with her.
This year, who knew what Part 2 had in store for me…
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When the incident happened, it caught me off guard.
I didn’t realize that my own past, unresolved work trauma would play up in a classroom amidst high-powered individuals in our health system.
Amidst the role playing, I got triggered and left the classroom for a moment to wipe my tears, reground myself.
Only a day later did I realize that how I was spoken to by a fellow senior colleague was inappropriate.
While it grieves me to know that over a decade later, the same trauma still plays out in real life, even when just role playing in a simulated scenario…
… I now also know that I have the ability to initiate change, however small.
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I learnt and penned down some personal reflections.
1. To change culture is an intentional, brave, but important thing to do.
2. To act counter-culturally by initiating and fostering conversations that point out bad behavior is risky, and at times, costly.
3. The cost of not doing so is perpetuating a “conspiracy of stupidity or bullying or trauma” that we pass on to future generations.
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After consolidating all I learnt, here’s a personal framework I put together which I now challenge myself to apply:
1. Be clear on what you want- is it an apology? A more authentic relationship? Change in work policy to prevent harmful behavior to future generations?
After your emotions have settled, get clear internally first.
I like using the ladder of integrity to guide my hard convos but SBAR is also a useful and easy guide-
Situation:
Share the situation factually.
When you did this, XX happened.
Background: Share some background of the situation.
The background to this is that I’m uncomfortable sharing this because I am aware of our power dynamic. I’m nervous about how vulnerable a position this puts me.
Assessment: My assessment is that if this continues, it will be detrimental to our working relationship and future interactions in our work environment.
Request: I wonder if I could request for you to consider making XX (state change) so that (state improved state)
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Heck this is hard.
But I’m learning that if I don’t do the brave, hard, intentional work of intiating some of these tough conversations, things will not change.
I become part of a greater conspiracy of bullying, trauma and generational pain.
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Today, I come home to a bruised eye on Sarah-Faith.
I assume it’s a scratch but she tells me the same bully who taunted her forehead tape, and ripped off her knee scab walked over today and punched her in the eye.
My heart is breaking and I’m crying out for justice.
But I know that somewhere along the line, a communication has broken down.
Someone has failed to have a tough conversation with someone else.
Whether it’s a parent with a bullying child, whether it’s me with the new principal/teachers, whether it’s the teachers with the student.
Conversations have the power to not only change lives but change culture.
Today, if you feel like a bottom dweller without power, l hope that framework i shared can help you apply change into your situation to confront a toxic boss, a bullying colleague, an angry spouse.
There may be irreparable costs. But ask yourself- what is at stake?