Since Wai Jia shared her point of view of the story, I figured I would share mine.
If you know me, you will know that I am not the aggressive type. I will do everything to please others and avoid head-on conflict. My default mode of conflict management is avoidance.
So what I did yesterday was out of the ordinary.
It would be easier if I sat there and counselled Wai Jia and told the girls it was okay.
But the problem was that it was not okay.
I remember when we first got married. We stayed very near the ground floor.
One night at 2am, a drunk man was hollering and making a lot of noise downstairs. Wai Jia called security, and nothing happened. So I went down to talk to the security guard. The drunk guy came over and accused me of calling security.
I lied. I denied it and pretended I didn’t do anything. Looking back, I should have stood up to him. He was making a ruckus and causing a nuisance to everyone.
Why did I lie? Because I was scared. I was afraid he might hit me. I was afraid of making a scene. I probably could run away from him if he wanted to fight.
What’s worse is that the next day, that particular security guard scolded Wai Jia for reporting the drunk man.
And guess what I did? Nothing.
After ten years, things are different. I am tired of being that guy who sits and does nothing when something wrong happens.
I am not looking for a fight but I want to confront the issue if it’s wrong.
As Asians, we always don’t want to confront. We ignore and look the other way. And life goes on.
But what does that teach my girls? That is okay for a bully to push them and others around?
Now, I am not for physical hitting or beating someone up. I tend to be more on the pacifist side.
So, I decided to go over and talk to the uncle (old man). He has no right to scold my wife and my children. Moreso, he has no right to tell my wife she is a bad mother.
Now you may think, shouldn’t I turn the other cheek, like what Jesus is supposed to do? Shouldn’t we forgive the uncle? And let things be? Shouldn’t we keep the peace?
There is nothing wrong with peacekeeping, but we should not seek peace by avoidance because it is convenient and easier for us.
If I choose ‘peace’ by avoidance, is that really peace? It is not peacekeeping. It is acting out of fear and avoidance.
The key issue is that this person did something wrong, and based on my values, I have to talk to him about it.
If this happens at church or if he is a Christian, I would do the same thing.
We must point out things and be honest when things are not right. This is integrity.
So, what happens when we choose to ignore problems? We can end up with issues like gender violence and no one may want to talk about it.
The worst case is not that we chose not to confront. But it is when we tell the victims to be quiet for the greater good. Don’t air one’s dirty laundry in public. That’s just horrible. Matthew 18:15, anyone?
Matthew 18:15 says “if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses.”
Now, what I did yesterday is not to that magnitude. But you get what I mean.
At the same time, I am not advocating we go and confront everyone about everything.
For me, the issue is defending my wife and my family. I am the shepherd to them, and as such, I will defend them.
I am not a hero. But over the years, I learnt courage.
It’s as simple as that.