I stood on the scale, eyebrows furrowed.
I didn’t get it- is this what they call getting old? When you’re active as ever but your metabolism grinds to a halt?
Eleven years on from recovering from anorexia, I still couldn’t believe this- that I felt bummed by a number. My goal was to maintain my weight post-African-deployment and when the number crept up, even by a little, I felt unceremoniously deflated.
“Why does it matter to you?” Cliff asked. “You’re wonderful.”
The deeper truth, really, was the shame I felt from labels I’d written all over myself- lazy, negligent, unwatchful.
But why did a number ascribe me my character? Wasn’t it unfair that it took no consideration of the incredible transitions I’d just been through? How cruel we often are to ourselves. Wouldn’t a friend deserve more compassion?
As if God wanted to drive home a point, my two daughters picked up “A Taste of Rainbow,” the picture book I’d written and illustrated during my recovery and asked me to read it to them that very afternoon.
As I pointed at the mannequin that the little protagonist girl compared herself to, and asked my firstborn Sarah-Faith, “Do girls all have to look like that? Does it make her better?”
I took a deep breath as I awaited her reply.
“No, Mama!”
The book ended with- “Beautiful child, what is beautiful is what the eye cannot see. Everyone deserves a taste of rainbow- including me.”
Friends, if you, like me, have become concerned with a number- a number on the scale, the marks on your exam, a salary you draw, the number of followers you have, the size of your congregation, the class ranking of your child- and if you’ve defined your worth based on it, know this, you’re not alone.
But God doesn’t measure us based on any of those metrics.
You are not a number.
Today, we can be that “transition generation” to break the curse of number-obsession and create a new kingdom culture for ourselves and the generations behind us.
As we leave behind numbers that don’t matter, let this be the legacy we can leave behind for eternity.