Fear and Faith.

We projected, that in the first five years of our marriage, we would have shifted homes about 8 to 9 times, in three different continents.

 

Overwhelmed by the thought of having to sort out accommodation, employment, and resettling issues all over again in just a few months when we return to Singapore, after having felt like we’ve just settled in comfortably into Uganda, made my head spin. Anxiety, like a writhing snake, slithered and twisted itself into a tight knot within me.

 

This season in Africa, while having to juggle present mission commitments with the stress of securing employment back home within a looming deadline, I asked God- where would I end up working in? When we touch down, where would we stay temporarily? Where would we then move into for a year in Singapore? Finding a place to stay would be like a ticking time-bomb, given work would start proper for me, in less than a month after touchdown back “home”, which would not be the same home we had imagined we left behind. The stress of resettling into a new environment, a new rhythm and comparably breakneck pace of life, and a new workplace, with its unknowns of new demands and new supervisors to please, would be overwhelming.

 

Where would Cliff and I end up working? Though my previous Directors were pleased with my work performance and had welcomed me back when I returned, things changed while we were away. Manpower constraints and major restructuring shifted placements around, making my return to my previous workplace almost impossible. Being away makes it even more challenging to explore other potential opportunities. The stress of the unknown lurked into the nights, nudging me up in the wee hours of the morning to unwillingly ruminate over what I have no control of.

 

How would we cope with social engagements? Many of our friends, supporters and loved ones would be eager to have a meal with us. Would we be able to cope, given the stresses of moving, working and readjusting to a new rhythm and pace of urbanized life?

 

Chancing upon a missionary article on the struggles of “Rocky Re-entry”, describing the emotional turmoil, physical drain and psychological fatigue of re-entering back into one’s home country after a mission term, only tied my heart into a tighter knot. It described the sense of lost-ness in returning to a home which had changed, the challenges of readjusting to a new rhythm of life, the loneliness from a sudden loss of encouragement, prayer and financial support from friends and loved ones, now that the missionaries were “back home safely”, in a time of difficult transition where support was most direly needed.

 

As my thoughts spiraled downwards, my heart sank rock bottom. A voice within me, however small, fought back: If God had sent us and prepared a place for us to serve here to Africa, would He not prepare a place back home for us when we returned? Given our calling to long-term missions, we would have stayed longer in Africa. But my bond serving with the government prevents it at the current time. Going home after a year to continue serving my bond, was the hard choice of integrity we needed to make. Would God not honor that?

 

Yet, my heart falters.

 

Cliff and I often joke, our, cross-continental marriage makes every transition all the harder, with visa issues, cross-cultural nuances and readjustment stresses to navigate. When we return to Singapore, it would be my home, but his previous mission field, making the adjustment stressful in its own ways for him and for us.

 

It was then that I thought about the missionary heroes in years long past: David Livingstone, the famous explorer, medical missionary, and discoverer of Victoria Falls, struggled with loneliness, repeated bouts of malaria, suffered a lion’s bite for his cause and was found dead from dysentery while on his knees praying; William Carey, known as the “Father of Modern Missions”, lost children and all his 3 wives while serving God in India; Hudson Taylor, founder of China Inland Mission, was malnourished from his basic meals of bread and water when he went to serve the poor in China, lost his wife and some children in the mission field, and faced humiliation and discouragement from supporters back home, who chided him for adopting local Chinese customs such as keeping a pigtail and learning mandarin.

 

Today, as I met a lovely American missionary married to a Ugandan man, I heard of her tumultuous transition from America to Africa, with relocation, cross-cultural marriage, and childbirth all happening at once within a compressed timeframe. Yet, her heart remained steady as she shared how God would always remind her that He was in control. She shared her heartfelt story of how God gave her the courage and strength to deliver her baby in a very high-risk pregnancy in Uganda, by providing her with angelic doctors and a generous dose of His grace. Whenever we feel we are stuck or drowning in uncertainty, He always comes through.

 

Why is it then that my heart falters? In our times of uncertainty and stress, it is almost as if we doubt the consistency of God, trusting and applauding Him for coming through for others, but wondering if He would do the same for us.

 

I had to remind myself- what struggles were we facing, that did not pale in gross comparison to the missionaries who served and loved God with all their hearts, who believed in doing great things for God, and expecting great things from Him?

 

Once I put things into perspective, my tumultuous sea of emotions calmed down. I started counting the positives- the privilege of enjoying new cultures in Canada, Singapore and Africa, the opportunity to share with people back home (in both our homelands) the work we had started, the chance to continue and even further the work begun through continual follow-up trips. In Cliff’s words, we had counted the cost of our calling, so as good soldiers of Christ, we must never complain.

 

Deep down, we both know that this one year in the mission field, is merely the beginning of a life-long journey in missions.

 

As God has been faithful to bring us from one continent to the next, will He not continue to be faithful? Why do we doubt Him, when He has never let us down?

 

So as we await in anticipatory expectancy of the next chapter of our lives, to see how He will provide in terms of our next house, next jobs and next mission in our lives, I swing between fear and faith, praying that the pendulum of my faltering heart would anchor itself in stillness, to trust an ever-faithful, ever-merciful God who has never failed to provide.

 

As we enjoy our remaining days amidst the nature of the great variety of birds in Uganda, I have to keep reminding myself, to live each day here in the present, just as the sparrows and eagles do, because as the Lord looks after them, will He not look after us, too?

 

 

Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns;

yet your heavenly Father feeds them.

Are you not of more value than they? 

Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?

–Matthew 6:26-27

 

“ Must you always see in order to trust?

You may not demand that God always allow you to see what He is about.

We walk by faith and not by sight.

So walk.”

– John Carroll

 

*We appreciate your prayers for us this season, as we navigate the process of “re-entry”. Thank you.