I realize, I didn’t want those things anymore.
Those things which once attracted me were slowly losing their sheen.
Once upon a time I wanted to be a surgeon. I wanted to be the best in my field. I was willing to sacrifice everything and anything for that. It was worth paying the price for. Once upon a time, I placed the freedom and efficiency of singleness above all else, and nurtured a hidden disdain for marriage, children and relationships. Disdain, because they were things which slowed one down, hindrances, stumbling blocks to greater things. Hidden, because it wasn’t nice to think that way.
With my third book on love due to be published and launched on our wedding day, October 27th, I realize just how different I’ve become.
Looking back, the cause for many of our societal ills- divorces, abused and orphaned children, abortions, prostitution, slavery, crime… really all stem from the brokenness of families, and relationships. Be it a lack of wholeness in a relationship between a man and woman, parent and child, the ills in our society which big organizations and governments and healthcare centers have been trying to fix all stem from a lack of love, somewhere.
Yet, generation after generation, we go about our lives chasing after status, wealth and reputation. We struggle and fight for food, shelter and comfort, or more of it, at the expense of our families and loved ones. We keep hurts, harbor bitterness, explode when our lids fly open. We end up hurting the next generation which harbor the same kinds of hurts and brokeness. The vicious cycle continues.
I won’t ever forget that day when a senior at work asked me how Cliff and I met. When I shared that I had been accepted by John Hopkins university to pursue a masters in public health this year but deferred it in light of our decision to marry, the look I received was one of definite derision and scorn. “But why,” came the bewildered question, “I hope I don’t sound offensive… But surely your relationship can wait? I mean, marriage is an inevitable event which can happen later when you’re together long enough. But John Hopkins? Isn’t that an opportunity hard to come by? It’s once in a lifetime.”
I remember giving a weak defense. If he didn’t already see God working in the divine conspiracy which had brought us together, miles apart, through mountains of challenges and oceans of doubt, I didn’t see the point of defending myself further. I should have turned the tables to reply, ” A degree is an inevitable thing you can acquire later if you’re working and studying long enough. But a soulmate? Isn’t that harder to come by?”
It only went to show me how much we value things– degrees, prestige, status, and how little we value relationships. It revealed the insecurities I had, as the war between my flesh and spirit broke out when I asked myself what specialty I would apply for this year, whether I would apply for any speciality at all.
Looking around me, I notice the dichotomy between what I’ve become and who I used to be. At present, the proportion of seniors around me who are well established in their careers but single is startling. Their lives are full to the brim with accolades, research medals, titles… They are wealthy, beautiful, well-spoken. They have cars, prada bags, and an acquired English accent. I don’t think people should be judged or stigmatized for being single, except that I also realize, how little opportunity and room we give ourselves to stop to nurture relationships and invest in lives.
It’s thankless. Loving, that is.
Because when you truly love, truly, you don’t expect anything in return.
And investments with no return, simply do not exist in our go-getter, results-driven world of materialism, and efficiency. True love slows one down. It slows one down because a person requires time and commitment; it causes one to tarry because a person stretches you in ways you never thought possible; it captures time in slow motion because beautiful moments ought to be savoured that way. Wives need to be held, husbands need to be made love to, children need to be watched, taught, and above all, loved.
But being a husband of leadership comes with no medal, being a wife of honor comes with no phD. The only returns are the invisible and priceless privileges of loving, and being loved in return. Unconditionally, wholly, wonderfully.
I have to decide what I want to specialize in by the end of the month, or wait a whole year more before I apply again. A few days ago, the well-known missionary doctor Dr Tan Lai Yong who’s returned from his work in China for 12 years bought me a simple meal to discuss my plans for the future.
I confessed, that while I had always envisioned myself becoming a surgeon, and thought I had heard God’s clear call for me to be an eye doctor, I was starting to doubt myself. Because I wasn’t sure anymore if the countless hours in an operating theatre, the many hours dealing with post-operative care and the thousands of patients I had to see brought justice to the gifts that God gave me to think up projects, reach out to the community, to be creative and touch lives that way. The hours had made me tired, the system, frustrated. I wasn’t sure if that role that so many of my colleagues are vying for was really worthwhile trying for and taking up, when there are so many much-needed roles in community health and the mission field that people turn their backs on. I wasn’t sure if that number of hours justified me being away instead of helping Cliff, especially since he has a call to become not only a missionary, but a pastor as well.
“When in doubt, do something different,” said Dr Tan. “Like a degree in education for children with special needs.”
“And give up medicine?”
“No, it’s a para-medical degree. Who says you need to throw medicine away. And who says you need to specialize in the way people expect you to? You see yourself working with children in future right?”
Among other things, Dr Tan then advised me to have children, enjoy marriage and family life, and to continue to grow. That was all. There was no high-flying or sky-parting revelation to pursue public health in Harvard etc. And mind you, even though he has no other degree than the one I have now, he has done so much good work in developing China that he is, to date, the only foreigner who has been awarded a national award by China Premier Wen Jia Bao for the amazing work he has done among people with leprosy in China. He now sits in an office at the national university next to one of our most well-respected professors. He also has two beautiful children who top their classes, and a very supportive wife.
I grew silent. Over dinner I discussed with Cliff the mindblowing conversation I had had with Dr Tan. “But though it appeals so much to me to do a degree in childhood education, I’m afraid, Cliff.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Afraid that people will look down on me. That when I return, I will be obsolete in the medical field. That no one will want me. People want someone with a masters degree from Harvard or John Hopkins, not a teaching degree from an unheard university.”
“Those are not valid reasons, Wai Jia. They stem from fear and pride. They are all not valid. Why do you care about what people think? Why don’t you ask what God wants for your life?”
It was then I realized the strong hold that the world has on me- I may not own a Prada bag, but I want to have an income that preferably grows like my peers’; I may not be single, but I want to be known as intellectual and academically established; I may not desire a professor title, but I want a good reputation. Aren’t these all selfish as well?
I may not have wanted the things I once desired, but I desire things, still, albeit different ones, though no more saintly.
I am learning, to put God first and my needs, second; I am learning, to discern His call for both Cliff and myself, instead of simply praying for my own hopes and dreams to come true; I am learning, to see the things which are important, and those which aren’t.
I am learning, above all, to be brave, to be true to oneself, to love. Because there is no degree which we can bring up to heaven except the one which we pass on the tests and trials of that which is invisible and intangible.
* My third book “i love you” will be launched on our wedding day October 27th 2012. A book about how Bear and Bunny found love, it will be used to raise funds and awareness about abused and broken children. All “ang pows” (financial gifts) for our wedding and proceeds will go to “Daughters of Cambodia“, a ministry which seeks to empower and help sex workers leave their trade and build a new life of hope and freedom. We hope to raise $65’000 to build a guesthouse in Cambodia and create more jobs for the girls. About 100 girls are rescued from brothels since this minstry was born. 98% of girls never return to their old life. To contribute, please drop me an email at [email protected].
Wai Jia, even if you did not feel the pull of service to those in need and even if the world of money and prestige held more luster for you… the question always remains, “But why do you want it?”
Money is a means to an end. It’s a tool. That’s all it ever is. Prestige… well, sure that feels good, but even between money and prestige, which takes the lead and why? If your purpose for the money is to take care of your family, then the garbage disposal industry is very profitable (in North America anyways). No prestige, but good money.
Of, what good is prestige on its own? As the saying goes, “fame and a dollar will buy you a coffee.” The point is not the fame that does it.
Lizzy and I learning about real estate investment right now. One of the reasons why I chose the education path and investing system that we’re following is that it starts off by asking you “What do you *want* from real estate?” You don’t want the investments because you want nice numbers on pieces of paper. You want something from your life. You want to be able to do something that you can’t do right now. Maybe it means having the freedom to take care of your family when they need you. Maybe it means going forth to serve others in fields that can’t support you. Having money does not mean having to spend it on self-indulgence.
Even without choosing to walk the road of service in the name of the Lord, it is pointless to chase money without being clear to yourself what you want from life and from yourself. Money is a tool, nothing more. If you’re going to get tools from the hardware store, you need to know what you want them for. As with hammers, saws and drills, the same goes for money itself. They’re just tools.
Chasing prestige is pure folly no matter who you are. Think of the plight of the celebrity. Their lives are built on prestige, though one different from what you picture when talking about it in the context of the medical field. What happens to them when the light no longer shines on them? What happens to those who never find anything more valuable for themselves than simply being in the spotlight? It usually isn’t a pretty picture.
What you think of yourself and what those whose opinions you *choose* to value think of you is always far more important than what strangers and acquaintances think of you.
Let me ask you a different question. What will you think of yourself years or even decades from now if you have no lived your life the way you want to, and done the things you want to do with your life? How will what you think of yourself then compare to what others think of you then? How much will it really matter to you what those others think of you?
Celebrities would never lose themselves in drugs and end up killing themselves if public esteem and prestige really mattered at all.
Think, pray, and discuss what you want from life and from yourself. From that, figure out where kids, family, education, work, money, and prestige fit in. When it comes to work, think about what kind of work that produces what kind of results. When it comes to prestige, whose esteem do you seek, what gives *you* a sense of accomplishment and value.
Really work out for yourself what you want from your life and from yourself or others will decide for you. That’s what you’re seeing happening and that’s what you’re seeing people trying to do.
🙂 Thanks for sharing Wai Jia!
One of my wise friends told me “Careers are always there, it’s people that come and go” How often society mistakes the one for the other :p
Hi Wai Jia,
I came to your blog after watching the youtube video about you and Cliff. Congratulations on your marriage! You both have inspired many people.
After reading a few of your blog posts (as a medical student myself), my purpose of studying medicine – long buried under the daily grind and textbooks – has re-emerged in my mind. I realise that I have too easily succumbed somewhat to the ‘easy way out’, and your blog posts are a timely and important reminder. Thank you for your honest writing. God bless