Honour.

I guess, I cannot deny, that it still remains a black patch in my head.

The unfinished race- it replays itself over and over in my head. I have had dreams, again and again of my unfinished race. I would be running and running, and the finish line would never come. Or I would rush to the starting line, only to find out I was late and got disqualified.

Over and over, the unfinished race plays itself in my head, taunting and mocking me.

2 years ago, I was training for a sprint triathlon when I tore my hamstring and adductor (inner thigh) muscles and suffered a stress fracture while cycling. It was a grade 2 tear, and left me crippled for a few days.

I have not signed up for a triathlon since.

Even though I would love to. Even though the unfinished race plays itself like a bad movie over and over in my head- the pain, the anguish, the disappointment… the slap in the face, the lessons on pride and humility and focus and idolatry… all come back to me in bits and pieces, and put my feet on solid ground.

My fear of God puts my feet back on solid ground. I learnt important lessons from that injury- about the needlessness of self-striving, about letting go, about the futility of self-glorification, about the things that truly matter. I learnt, that racing is not about the race itself- it is about God. Life, is always about God.

I stopped joining races for many reasons. I was afraid of training again, afraid of losing focus and making sports an idol in my life, afraid of injury and striving and being caught up in the vicious cycle of training more and more. I wanted to lay it down, live without it. I was also convicted, that there was no reason for me to spend that kind of money paying for races and buying race gear and being caught up in the fanfare of joining one expensive race after another in increasingly exotic places.

I wanted time and space to refocus.

I went back to recalibrating my life with God and missions and Rainbow and medicine. I went back to putting my social life above my training schedule. I went back to enjoying sports for what it was- a means to keep fit and healthy, instead of a strict form of discipline.

In the meantime, I made friends with a lady, JD, who had completed several half iron-man distances (1.9km swim, 90km bike, 21km run) and even getting podium finishes, who was so passionate in training with me so she could share with me the secret to her joy. She told me, that the more she strived, the poorer she performed. When she finally learnt to let go, and to put God and her friends and family above her training schedule, she saw how God multiplied her shorter, and fewer training sessions. That season, as she consecrated her race to God by being willing to put Life and God above her sport, she won second prize in the Philippines Half Iron Man race. It was her best timing ever.

In the meantime, I learnt how to say no to people pushing me to join them for races and training sessions. I learnt how to put sports back into its rightful place in my life. I learnt how to take care of my body and respect and honour it.

I remembered how God blessed me with my roadbike. I remember how He blessed me with the chance to race several times for free. I remembered how He healed me from my illness through this beautiful sport.

The unfinished race plays in my mind, over and over. Yet, I never could find the will to sign up for a race again.

Two weeks ago, a blessing in the form of an unexpected person appeared in my life. It was a volunteers’ appreciation night for people who had helped out at Healthserve, the clinic reaching out to migrants, sex workers and the marginalized. He was there with his wife. We were introduced by Dr Tan Lai Yong, the medical missionary whom I admire. He is a sports doctor who owns his own private clinic in an upper-class part of town and also the chairperson of a certain triathlon association. We talked.

About sports. And God. And missions. And medicine. And vision. And passion. And idolatry. And Him.

He offered to check my injury to see if it had fully healed, to see if we could prevent it from happening again. He wouldn’t charge me.

I thought to myself, what a blessing.

But it didn’t end there. As we talked, we found a lot in common. And I could articulate, for once, why I stopped racing. I don’t know why my voice started to shake. Later, he read Kitesong and Rainbow, and was moved to tears.

“God put triathlon in your life for a reason, Wai Jia. Don’t throw it away.”

On Tuesday/National day, I went on a round-island ride with my training group, something I hadn’t done in a long time. To be honest, because I had committed to putting God and my work and patients above most other things, I had hardly biked much this year. Yet, this was possibly my strongest ride ever. 82km round the island, and I hardly felt tired at all. This was God’s strength, this was Him honouring me because I had honoured Him. In the past, I would try so hard and still be so slow. I’ve been training so little of late, but I’ve been flying. Today, was possibily the fastest and lightest mid-distance run I’ve done in a long while.

I learnt, that God can multiply.

The race I had really wanted to sign up for had closed its registration long ago. Today, however, I received news that it was possible to sign up this weekend. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was too expensive. I wanted to save up to go on another mission trip in October.

I received an unexpected text message from the sports doctor:

“Dear Wai Jia,

God gave you a love for Tri with a very good reason. He meant you to stay fit to serve Him. And He knew that you need something to burn off energy and stress. Hence your love for Tri. He also knows your past challenges (with anorexia and your old injury). In fact, Tri demands that you eat well for performance. And that fuels God’s purpose so you can be energized and healthy and joyous to serve Him. In fact, I just got you a book on Tri nutrition! How uncanny is that?

I feel that God loves you when you train and race. You witness to so many that you can have God and train and race. I am convinced oif that. And that means that you show God to others even as you race.

So go for it. Your fear is placed there by the evil one who wants to depress your happiness and ability. Don’t let him do that. Be the you that God intends.

Sign up. Race. How much money have you raised and will raise for God? I remain humbled by that gift He has shown you. Truly. I also now am clear that I will do something. Tri may be expensive but you are His messenger when you are out there training and racing. Know that. And know this. You are my answered prayer. I will fund your race fees for God. And your gear for God. At last, I am clear and God has shown me my purpose in your life.

Please let God work through me for you? You are precious in His sight. I knew that when I met you. So Stop Allowing God to Let You Smile. And in the days ahead, I will help yuou plan your Tris so that you honor Him and not be distracted.

Allow God to let you smile. When He sees you smile, He does too. Know this.”

I had just finished my fastest and lightest run I’ve had in possibly my whole life.

I read that on my phone, sat down, and cried.

Two years ago when I had my injury, God sent an angel to touch my hip. This time, He sent an angel to touch my heart. God has never let me suffer lack. From my roadbike to facials to money… God has always provided more than I could ask or imagine, at the right time.

I don’t know if I will take up the offer. I have a lot to pray and think about. Can the money be put elsewhere? Can I challenge him to sponsor a child in a developing country instead? Do I really need to race to stay fit?

But one thing I know for sure: that when we honour God, He will surely honour us.