It’s true when they say your breakthrough is just round the corner when you feel like giving up.
After weeks of floundering and feeling lost at sea, feeling frustrated and purposeless regarding both work and relationships, I’ve finally peace with regards to both.
I know what specialty God wants me to focus in. It was as clear as a clarion call that day at church. I had been praying, praying for such a long time. And Pastor L, who knew nothing at all about what I was going through, just came right up to me and said, “Don’t look to the left or to the right. Do what God had told you from the beginning- don’t even think about making detours because the path ahead is straight for you. Walk out your journey in faith.”
Sounds general and fuzzy enough, but it was exactly what I needed at the time. Ever since I started work and began interacting with many colleagues and seniors, everybody had their 2 cents worth to give me regarding what sort of doctor I looked like I would become.
“You would make a totally wonderful geriatrician.”
“I really think you have a knack for being a Palliative doctor.”
“I think you’d fare well in General Surgery.”
It was just all getting into me, especially since I had only a few months left to decide which track to take my transitional residency into. I was frustrated, annoyed with myself and tired of having a fling with each idea, imagining myself in various specialties.
But all at once, I just knew and knew and knew in my heart what I was born to do.
I know now. I know what I was born to do. Now it’s just getting there that’s the part I’m going to learn to trust God for.
For weeks I had been in unease. I don’t know why- it was such a big breakthrough for me to come home from Africa knowing that my heart was now open to marriage, that marriage could be a beautiful thing in the mission field; but lately, I had no peace about it. As more of my friends got engaged and attached and married, I just felt more and more estranged. I just felt, being so “in love” had in a way, made them more insular rather than extending their ministries.
I realize, and am now certain, that this is a season and time of precious singleness for me now.
My heart cries for the lonely, the hungry and the marginalized, and I know in this time, God is still using my freedom and versatility in singlehood to reach out to the people who fall through the cracks in life. It is true- God can use couples in mighty ways too, and I pray that when that day comes for me, that would be the case…. But for now, I know there is so much He wants me to exult in, as I continue to live my life being completely and wholly His.
Now, I have time. I have time to sit and stop and chat with the lonely. I have time to concern myself with the things outside my world, and allow my thoughts to wander, and entertain themselves with ways to love and be involved in various things. I have time to travel by myself to wherever my heart and God take me.
I don’t want to make the mistake. Of settling down too fast and making excuses for not going to the mission field.
Two emails I received today confirmed this:
Hi, Wai Jia,
I’ve been a silent reader of ur blog just for about 2 months now. I’m a doctor. I worked in a missionary hospital a few years agod, but am now a housewife and a full time mom.
I really enjoy reading your posts, it’s been such a blessing and inspiration for me. At times I’m reminded of my own past passion which is now somewhat subdued 😛
Keep writing, and I salute you, for realizing how precious singleness is. Not many singles realise that 🙂
To God be the glory!
-Lia-
The second email was by a surgeon who had wanted to be a missionary previously:
I would like to share a few things from my experiences in life:
– The most important point is: If you have a heart for mission, you must find a life partner who has the same calling. My husband is a Christian but he’s never had a desire to go into missions. Honestly, I think that this can really be a stumbling block because the husband should be the spiritual head of the family. You also need constant spiritual support because there are so many distractions in life so it can be quite tiring if you don’t have this support from your husband.
– Go for a few medical mission trips. Perhaps you’ve been on a few. But from what I can see – if you intend to do long term missions, primary health care is probably the best field to get into. Ophthalmology and plastic surgery are really useful surgical fields to go into. Probably whatever field you go into would be useful but you would need a hospital set up to operate in.
I think that you have to be really spiritually prepared for the difficult and probably lonely journey in the field. Better to go with family as those Singaporean doctors who successfully served many years in the field went with their wives and kids.
That’s my sharing for today.
I have peace, about what God wants me to specialize in.
I have peace, that for now I am to be single, and this singleness could last till the end of my bond (5 years) just before I enter the mission field.
I have peace, that just before I enter the mission field, I would get married because God knows we need support and companionship. I won’t lie to you- there is only so many days romanticized altruism can last, because every day in Africa, I just wanted to go home. In that dirty, poor and forsaken place, companionship and support become precious and essential fuels to do God’s work for the people. I know that in the mission field, my being with someone would definitely potentiate greater things, but for now, where I’m mobile and content and reckless, I have a feeling this may be what God wants for me for now.
For now, I cannot be restrained. I feel like the whirlwind in me is still restless, seeking, stirring, heaving. It is seeking God, stirring up another idea and project, heaving with lethargy because it cannot be held down by another “I can’t go to the mission field because I just had a kid”, “My husband and I are planning for a family here where our house has been bought”, “I’m sorry I can’t be in this ministry because I have too many responsibilities at home.”
I have peace, that this is the way things will be for now.
I will continue asking and seeking and knocking. Because “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”- Matthew 7:7