6 brain-wracking, butt-numbing papers, 1 clinical exam and 2 weeks later, two thirds of my final examinations, or the M.B.B.S (Bachelors of Surgery and Bachelors of Medicine) are finally over.
All these papers, however, are merely the prelude. The real tests of our steel come next weekend, where we will be given real patients to interview, examine and present, under the eagle-eyes of formidable professors and examiners, fending their questions shot at us one by one.
This round of examinations, have been a real breakthrough for me, to say the least.
In the past, examinations were dreadful periods. It always seemed as if there was so much at stake, so little time, and so much of me which I wanted to push in order to achieve more. Leisure activities were cancelled. I constantly felt burnt out. During the major examinations of my life when I was far younger, my parents often had to travel overseas for work, and I used to find it immensely difficult to cope. Insomnia, depression and anxiety were common.
This round, after all that God has brought me through, I just stand amazed to see how different things now are.
It was not too far back that things were hard too, though. During the time of my illness in my first 2 years of medical school, remembering anything of importance was excruciatingly difficult, not least because my brain and body were constantly starved and depressed. Preparing for the examinations became an isolating period of immense uncertainty, fear and distress. I was very ill, and I remember clearly, that I was certain I would fail that year. I left about a third of the paper blank.
For some reason, I did not. Even though I had been ill and had found it difficult to concentrate at school and impossible to study, I did not. Looking back, I now see how that experience, however painful, was key to teaching me to trust that God has a plan for my life.
He does for you, too.
This time, things are vastly different. Since my third year of medical school as I recovered, I told myself to go into each exam thinking I had already passed. I decided to trust, that if God had brought me through my second year, where I was acutely distressed and unwell, surely He had a plan for me. Surely, I had nothing to fear. Slowly, the fears, anxiety and doubts left me. I’ll be honest, there were times aplenty still where I was nervous and stressed- medical school is no party in the garden- but as I continued to trust, my faith, not in myself but in God, started to grow, and I started to sleep, eat and handle this routine of life far better.
Today, in the midst of what could be the biggest examination of my lifetime, I feel like I’ve made a breakthrough.
This is a series of examinations of formidable proportions. Theory papers are up to 3 hours long. Online tests test one’s speed of thought. Patient interaction components with mean examiners can melt the toughest facade. Topics range from general surgery, to paediatrics to obstetrics to internal medicine. People have ended their lives during this terrifying year. People have failed and bounced back. The M.B.B.S is a wall to climb, indeed.
I’ll be honest with you. I was worried about this particular test today. I was also on the verge of an early burn-out. Before the exam, while everyone was cramming away, I took out my bible study instead. Today, I had reached the chapter which questioned our need for worry.
-Matthew 6:26-27
“The illustrations of the birds and the flowers are not used by accident. They are used on purpose, in order to show the utter unreasonableness of being so anxious about the means of living. Imagine the sparrow and blackbirds and thrushes worrying about their feathers! God says they do not trouble about themselves at all. The thing that makes them what they are is not their thought for themselves, but the thought of their Father in Heaven.
A bird is a hardworking little creature, but it does not work for its feathers, it obeys the law of its life and becomes what it is.” -Oswald Chambers.
Its obeys the laws of its life and becomes what it is.
Somehow, that struck me immensely. I realised, that the reason for such peace guarding my heart was God’s assurance that since I have been obedient to His calling for my life, in the big and small things, all I needed was to do my part, and the laws of life and He Himself would guarantee that I would become who I already am.
The world says we need to strive to become good enough, better. But God’s way is, His love has made us whole enough, and because of that, we can do well.
After today’s exam, the last paper for the week, I took myself out for a movie, a rare event. It was “The King’s Speech”, a movie of great depth and sensitivity about King George VI’s stammer and the interesting journey of how he overcame it to rule his country. In front of a large crowd and under the cruel weight of expectation, he simply could not speak without the crippling impediment. But as soon as he released his pent-up emotions and delved into lack of self-esteem, he found his ability to open his mouth to speak again.
In the same way, I thought, it reflected how I too, was able to do far better again in school and in life when I realised, that God has no expectations for me to reach. He has made me as I am. And with that knowledge of the authority I am given, I can carry that faith with me to do well.
In one scene, King George VI breaks down in tears as he realises the heavy mantle he is to carry as the new King of England. His speech therapist, a peculiar man of bold antics takes the audacious liberty to slump into the Royal Throne, stoking the anger of King George. At first, he stammers and is unable to put his thoughts into words, but later, as his therapist challenges him and ignites him by saying, “Why can’t I sit on your throne? Didn’t you just tell me you were a terrible king who couldn’t speak? Didn’t you just tell me you weren’t capable to lead your people? Didn’t you just say you would end up like Mad King George the Third? So why can’t I sit on your royal seat?”
To which King George VI finally blurts out in fluency and grit, “Because I AM the KING!”
At that moment, he finally knew his authority. He knew who he was. Like the birds of the air, he simply assumed his role without doubting his ability or ruffling his feathers.
Likewise, I realised through this exam, that I too, have learnt and am learning how to believe in who God has made me to be, and rest in that assurance. And when I do, I find peace and calm, a stillness that surpasses all understanding.
For this round of examinations, I still continue to go for my regular runs and swims. I have slept soundly every night. I have not been jittery or exceptionally moody around the house. This has been by far the most (gasp) enjoyable exam I have taken in my life.
I was nervous about today’s test but went in calm as I held on to the faith that God has made me who I am, whole already. There is no need for imposed expectations, no need for fear. Because as I do my part, He will do His. I had some other worries about other aspects of life on my mind but reminded myself, that surely, God has the best for us.
King George VI was a brilliant king. His wife believed in him. His people believed in him. All he needed was to believe that too. As he slowly believed in that more and more, he stammered far less, only doing so when his mind wandered into negativity.
So I am learning, I need not worry. I’m going to enjoy the rest of my M.B.B.S and thank God for the opportunity to take these examinations, for He has truly brought me a far way. I am going to remember the girl I met in Cambodia 7 years ago who inspired Kitesong when she told me she wanted to be a doctor but had no money for university, and focus on passing well because studying medicine has been a gift and privilege.
Like King George VI, I am going to remember the authority we have been ordained with. We are God’s royal children.
If the birds of the air and the lilies of the field are so well taken of and if we are worth far more than they, why else need we fear?