Wayang.

“What would you give in exchange for your life?”

What a question to be asked at an interview. And to be honest, I didn’t know what to say. After all, I didn’t prepare for the interview. I had struggled with God about this- initially, I didn’t even want to fill up the application, didn’t want to go through the tedious process of having to submit my portfolio and four 1500-word essays about my life, didn’t want to collate all the things these people wanted to find out about me. I was doing my hectic medical internship then- why bother?

It was Mio who told me, “Wayang, all this is for wayang.” Wayang means “for show” in malay.

He wasn’t discouraging me, he wished me all the best, but what he was trying to say was that all these awards and nominations for our “good works” really aren’t the things which matter in life.

He should know. He’s been helping needy children in various developing countries for 17 years now and has gone unrecognised because he chooses to keep a low profile. He could have chosen to make a big name for himself, but each time he comes into contact with influential people, it is because they came knocking at his door, and not the other way around.

Wayang. I had prayed hard about it, prayed about whether I wanted to follow through with this when my university informed me I had been nominated for a national youth award in contributing to humanity and children’s rights. I’d never even heard of such an accolade before. There were so many other people worthy of the award. I didn’t even want to try. Whatever for? I’d just become proud and self-centred, I thought.

With the encouragement of my best friend Jo, I wrote the essays, collated what I needed to and made my submission to the university. But just days before the deadline, I received a call from a lady from school saying that she had forgotten where she had placed my parcel for submission. I was annoyed, then disappointed.

Later, I realised that God was showing me where my priorities were, and what truly mattered. Did it matter that my work had to be recognised? I then had the peace that it was more than sufficient for me to be nominated in God’s eyes. And in His eyes, we all are. We all have a kingly place in His eyes.

I let it go. Forget about the submission. God, whatever happens, happens. Never did I expect that the next day, a doctor friend called me to meet up at a hospital with him. Recalling that the lady from university had asked me to submit my items to this particular hospital so she could pick them up from there, I curiously went to find out how my parcel went missing, and in doing so, realised that my items never left the hospital and had never reached my university for submission to the national board. If my friend hadn’t called me randomly to meet up at that particular hospital, I would never have found my items. If I didn’t find them, I would never have submitted them. And perhaps God had deliberately waited for me to be assured that His award was more than sufficient before He allowed me to find them.

He has His ways.

A fews day ago, I got an email. They requested for us to wear a jacket suit to the final interview. There would be a photoshoot and an interview with about 6 to 8 judges. I suppose make-up and heels would have been appropriate.

But I didn’t wear a suit. I wore my white dress and a little half-jacket I had bought some time ago from a quaint shop, looking smart but not overly formal. I didn’t wear makeup. And I didn’t do my hair. I wanted to go as I was.

“See the nomination as a gift,” text-messaged Mio. “And don’t forget about my work in Smokey Mountain when you win the award 🙂 “

I realised, that this nomination in itself was a gift, and my sole purpose in life, should really be to gain God’s approval, and not the approval of men. So many other people deserve to be nominated. Why me? But I realised that God, perhaps, has a purpose. I’ve had many people telling me not to shun the limelight because such things are platforms to reach out to more people, to earn the trust of more, to build a reliable reputation and thus have the potential to help even more.

I learnt, that yes, to a certain extent, all this is wayang, for show, but how do we allow them to be shaped according to God’s purposes?

I really enjoyed the interview. Simply because I didn’t attend it to win, and simply felt it was such a journey of faith just to be there. I was in the midst of wonderful candidates and judges who had gone through much in life to make our world a more inspiring place. And even though I felt I didn’t answer the questions too well because I hadn’t prepared for them, I felt completely natural, and could joke with the panel. It was fun. The photoshoot was fun.

After the interview had ended, the project chairperson came to tell me how much she enjoyed my submission of A Taste of Rainbow, which is due to be published next year. She asked me many more questions before I finally asked why she decided to do what she did.

“Because we want to support people like you, give you a platform to share your work and in so doing, help you in your cause.”

It had struck me before, but there and then, it struck me hardest to realise that God has given me a privilege to have a circle of influence which I must treasure and be thankful for. It is a deep blessing.

Yet, when it was all over, and I had had a good time just by being there, I could not forget one question posed to me, “What would you give in exchange for your life?”

That really stunned me. And I ended up talking about a lot of things. But at the end, one of the interviewers asked me point-blank, “So would you say, you would give up your life for the poor? For the poor in Smokey Mountain, for example?”

And I was embarrassed and laughing at the same time because just a day ago I was writing about myself wanting to live with the poor, wasn’t I?

But I didn’t give an outright yes either. I was scared. I realised, I was scared of hearing myself say something as audacious as that. When he said the words I could not say, pressure built up behind my eyes. Don’t cry, woman. You’re at an interview.

Would I give my life up to live with the poor. My gosh, what was I thinking. My goodness, was it that obvious?

But that is exactly what I am thinking of.

So I talked a lot more about my hopes to pursue public health and surgery and other things so I could be more useful to help the needy. And I was also aware that had that been an interview to apply for a specialty, I would have shot myself in the foot because why would anyone want to train a medical person, only to lose her to the mission field?

Then I saw the value of the nomination and award. It would be helpful. It was the project chairperson who told me, “We want to encourage people who have been working quietly that they have not gone unnoticed.”

As I left the place, I felt so free. I was carefree because the award didn’t matter. Just being there at the National Volunteer Philanthropy Centre was an encouragement, being nominated was an encouragement, having the judges themselves and the project chairperson herself tell me they were touched was an encouragement.

I want to write this down because I want to remember the commitment I have made to the needy- that any award shall not be for my own pride, but to garner greater support for the causes I believe in. Just yesterday, famous Singaporean missionary doctor Dr Tan Lai Yong was on the front page of the national paper for his great commitment and impact on the rural poor in China for the past 14 years. I know him personally as a humble and simple man. I stayed with him for some time in a town in rural China, and we jogged together under the stars before our busy day of training village doctors. I saw how some publicity could bring hope and encouragement to others, including young people like myself.

“You’re very relaxed compared to many other candidates I’ve seen today,” said the project chairperson. “I think it’s because you didn’t come here to win, did you?”

I smiled. Because I realised, that God had brought me to a point where the award truly didn’t matter. It is only wayang, for show, in some sense. Man’s approval and the world’s recognition should not and don’t matter. Being nominated was a great privilege and an encouragement and a lot of fun in itself.

But yes God, I am writing this so that if I ever do earn undeserved recognition, help me to remember to use it not for myself, but for the poor and the needy and the hurting, always.

Yes, I would give up my life to live with the needy.