24/7.

Tearing my muscle must have been the best thing that happened to me this season. It’s just crazy- I’ve never felt so relieved, joyful and thankful for an unfortunate incident.

I was going too fast, and God, in His love, stopped me in my tracks. I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly thankful I am.

My closest friend, Jw, once told me, “Yes, I agree when you confess that you can be quite extreme… and that’s because you’re so wildly passionate about the things you love. It’s your greatest strength and weakness, Jia. A double-edged sword, no doubt. “

Looking back, I can now see how things were getting out of hand: More and more people had begun pressing me to train for longer and longer races, kept giving me different sorts of advice, and doled out straightforward put-downs whenever their advice was not taken. Buy this, buy that. You need this, you need that. You need to train this way, not that way. You need a coach. You need a training programme.

Enough, folks. Enough.

Until today, I didn’t realise how much I had hurt God by allowing myself to be caught in the fray. All this while, I thought I had taken sports in the right stride, lightly enough, and had put God and my loved ones first. But the lines were getting blurry, and I’m just so thankful that He, in His love, put a stop to this nonsense before it was too late. Had I not torn my muscle and gone for this race, I know this would just be the beginning of another endless worldly pursuit, an embarkation on another golden-calf building project.

Triathlon is an expensive sport. Races are costly. Training takes time.

So I have decided. I am not going to sign up for any more races until I have complete peace that God wants me to. I am going on a 10 day fast (maybe longer) from sports. No training- zilch, nothing, zero, for someone who usually trains 5 to 6 days a week. I want to spend my time recovering and being still at God’s feet. I want to spend my time journalling, painting, visiting the needy and spending time with my loved ones. I want to spend time with God, and hear His calling for my life again, loud and clear.

Just like how I’m fed up with people telling me to rebond/straighten my hair, I’m just not convinced that the money spent justifies the cause. I’m just not interested to join another race, not for now. I’m not interested to buy any more things- aerobars, saddles etc. I’m not interested to know what I lack- You must wear make-up, you need to do pedicures, you must go for facials, you need to have straight and shiny hair, you need to lose some weight (and don’t swim so much because your arms will become big and unladylike…) To be honest, my muscle tore because I took the persistent and insistent advice of someone, against my own instincts, to shift the position of my bike saddle. I learnt, that no matter what the crowd says, you’ve still got to listen to your heart and that still, small voice within.

I am learning to say no. No, I don’t want to spend any more money on my pleasures. No, this is not how I want to lead my life. No, I don’t believe you when you say a girl has to wear make-up and look LIKE THAT to get a boyfriend and get married and be happy etc etc etc. I JUST DON’T BELIEVE YOU. GO AWAY.

I have God, and for now, that is enough. His grace is more than sufficient for me. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Enough, folks. Enough. This girl is not going to touch her bike for 2 weeks, maybe longer. Her friends have been asking her to join the Port Dickson Olympic distance triathlon race but she doesn’t want to, not anymore. Not unless God gives her the green light. It is an overseas race spanning a weekend, which means I miss church. The date of the race, 24/07/10, is almost symbolic- do I want to be consumed by the things of this world (sports, possessions, self-pleasure) 24/7, or can I let them go in pursuit of what really matters?

Why do I think of how much money I spend on buying Grandpa Zhou or Uncle Zainol groceries when a race costs this much? Leading a life with expensive habits while serving the poor is inconsistent- it not only makes a fraud of me, but a mockery of God. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with these things per say, and I’m not saying that I judge people who pursue them. It’s just that… I know it’s not what God wants for me this season, not for now anyway.

I’ve really had enough. I’m sorry, God. And I’m thankful for the pain which persists, still, because it reminds me of what’s really important in life. The real race which matters is the one we journey on in life itself. And we must let no distraction cut in on us to disqualify us for the prize of eternal value.

Leading a balanced life, in awe of its fragility, in gratitude for its blessings and in wonder of its miracles- stopping for a blind man, giving a lost person directions, spending time on one’s knees to pray, going out for a spin with my loved ones, being acutely aware of one’s frailties and transience, laying my head in the arms of God, with sports and pleasure being a part of the bigger picture, instead of constantly, constantly being pumped with adrenaline… is what I want 24/7.

Living a balanced life close to the heart of God, one where I can cling loosely to all things, one where I can live faithfully serving people well… that is what I really want, 24/7.

Perhaps, God’ll give me the green light to race eventually, after I sort out certain struggles, and learn certain lessons. But for now, I just want to lie down on green grass in God’s presence, and be… still.