Pedas.

*Wai Jia is 2 and a half weeks into her holidays, on an attachment to a mission hospital at a jungle in Kalimantan. She writes from a place with wireless connection (in a jungle, yes) and will be back by the end of the week.

I love chilli. I eat it with everything. The hotter it is, the better. I believe the good ones should make your nose smoke. Being able to take spicy food has helped me enjoy food tremendously at the jungle hospital, as the locals never fail to add more than a touch of Pedas to their food.

Pedas. It’s their brand of hot chilli sauce. In the Indonesian language, it means “hot and spicy”.

Over a meal one day as I poured another dollopful of chilli onto my plate, a friend jokingly said to me, “You’re quite like that, aren’t you? Pedas, haha.”

It made me sit up. I always knew I was rather intense, but Pedas was quite an interesting description.

Coming to visit this mission hospital with a close friend of mine for almost 3 weeks has been a tremendous blessing. The scarcity of material comforts, the lack of city distractions like window-shopping and text-messaging, and the beautiful scenery gives one much time for self-reflection, sharing, journalling and time with God. The word Pedas stuck with me for days, and as I mulled over it, began to uncover certain truths.

Observing the lives of the missionaries here has been an enriching experience. While they all have distinct personalities, some things stand out- their single-mindedness to love the poor, and their tremendous sense of joy, peace, goodness, patience and yes, gentleness. As I watched them serve the poor, run their families and host visitors with grace and warmth, it suddenly occurred to me that while my intense personality is God-given, there are certainly large chunks which need to be pruned away- rotting branches of reactivity, intolerance, moodiness and impatience, things which grate against the fruit of the spirit which God so desires us to have.

Pedas. Me? For many days, I thought about that description. People who know me long enough know how I pursue interests and support causes with great intensity and passion. They also know I’ve a lot of energy to expend- hence the necessity to release it through a daily dose of exercise. They know I’ve a mind of my own, a voice, and what people may call “a strong personality”. Double-edged traits, no doubt.

It made me think. Chilli has a distinct aroma which brings out the flavour of food, giving us that extra kick and oomph. Without it, life would be bland and boring. But too much spoils the dish, and can leave a caustic burn in your throat. There’s nothing wrong with chilli- God certainly made it hot that way, but one must be careful in how one uses it.

In the same way, we must not reject our unique personalities to desire another’s. While it is important to embrace our God-given personalities, however, perhaps, we must also acknowledge their inherent flaws and seek to correct them. As with all our weaknesses and strengths, our personalities can make or break us.

I am learning, that while my intensity has helped me to excel and give to people around me, and is central to my artistic style and personality, I also need to make efforts to be less reactive, more tolerant, less labile and more patient. My pedas-ness has made me who I am, is the quality behind what I do, but has also made me difficult to be around with at times. Our greatest strength can be our greatest weakness, and vice versa.

Many of my friends with a heart for mission work are in a stage of their lives where they’re ready to settle down with a partner. I, on the other hand, am thankful to be single, still, because I realise I haven’t learnt the art of using the right amount of chilli, and might very well burn someone’s throat by accident. More than once, I’ve poured more chilli than necessary on my plate, and oh, how it burns. Something tells me, God will let the right person find me once I’ve mastered the art of genteel and temperance. I suppose, a little bit of pedas is all one really needs. With prayer, may God help me to channel all that energy into something more productive, and less destructive.

It won’t be an overnight change, but simply being conscious of this weakness over the past week has helped me hold my tongue at times, say things with a spirit of gentleness and kindness instead of being curt, or too forthcoming. I am learning, I can ignore insensitive comments, let God deal with those people, and show more compassion for more people. I am learning, I am more task-oriented than I was conscious of, and can learn to be more people-centred, still. I am learning, that to be a good doctor, I must learn to control my emotions, learn to be hardier, and be more aware of how my moods, emotions and actions affect the people around me. It is part of being a responsible person, part of working in a team, and vital to sustaining any long-term relationship.

I think, I would like to go back with a different spirit. Pedas still, but in a way which makes a meal memorable and flavorful, and not overpowering or stinging.

I think I still quite enjoy my chilli- surely God made it for a reason. But I promise to be more conscious of what it does and can do, and to take it in moderation.