Sticking it out.

“That ring… is not good for you to wear.”

She took the ring from me, and we decided that she would return it to me only after I got married. “I will keep it for you.” And that was that.

Somehow a great sense of relief washed over me. It was as if I had finally let go of another bag of fear, amidst all the big bags of fear I carry around with me daily- the fear of loving, the fear of being loved, the fear of swimming, the fear of pain, the fear of dreaming. I gave Aunty L my ring because we decided it was “not good for you to wear”, that “God will make that to happen which should happen so you ought not to limit what He wants to do with your life”. So that precious ring which I always wear on my wedding finger even though I am single, because of a ton of reasons which Aunty L struck off one by one, is now… gone.

I wonder if perhaps God has been trying to get something through to me. On top of the many disparate incidents which have occurred over the past month, this week, not one, not two, but four people came to talk to and challenge me about my views on relationships, and I think Aunty L was the one who won me over. She took my ring away- that ring which held so much of my fear- my fear of loving, of being loved, of pain and of dreaming. And now I feel strangely… free. Free, not because of worldly reasons, but free, because this is the beginning of letting my fears about loving and of being loved go. I have had to confess, that the ring was worn out of fear, too.

This week, I learnt, that one of my fears included that of not being able to see things through. It disturbed me to realise that I had the habit of starting on books but not always finishing them, of taking new hobbies up with great enthusiasm but pursuing very few, of starting a run, swim or bike but always faltering in the second half, of starting off well and then not being able to finish off strong because of Pain. That day, when Amos made me do twelve more laps with weights on my legs just at the point when I was ready to get out of the water because of fatigue, I remember being afraid of not finishing the task which lay ahead because of the pain. And perhaps part of the tears at the end that day, was in realising the pre-existing weakness that I had of not seeing things through, of fearing to overcome pain. It made me wonder-when a relationship hit the rocks, would I give up too soon, too fast and throw in the towel because of the challenges? Would I not realise that Pain in a relationship is like Pain in a race? That it is necessary for growth?

Perhaps the pain in a relationship or a race is like that experienced in labour. Once in the labour ward, I witnessed an extremely difficult delivery. The mother was exhausted, and she kept pushing in short spurts instead of giving long, sustained pushes, resulting in the baby continually being ping-ponged up and down the birth canal but never quite coming out. This resulted in terrible tears in her vagina which needed much stitching. I suppose that just like in labour or a race, we all come to a point of excruciating pain where a sustained effort, more than short bursts of motivation, is required to keep us going till the end- if one wishes for smooth finish. Surely, it is overcoming that pain in the long haul, persistently, which makes a relationship, race or the process of labour great and beautiful.

Many friends and mentors, too, have shared with me the ups and downs of being in a relationship. Through the misunderstandings, they understood each other better, and through the pain, they loved each other more deeply- even though at some point, many of them confessed to me that they felt like giving up because things got tough.

So even though this really is a tiny, tiny race I have had the privilege of going for, I am learning Big lessons along the way, about myself, about others and about life. I want to learn how to stick it out when things get tough, and how to finish well.

I am learning, that we go through different seasons in life- that God allowed the ring for a season of my life to protect me- for it was just at that point where I met a person who would have swept me off my feet with his slickness had it not been for the commitment I felt God had made me make during the time. The person turned out to be someone who would’ve destroyed me completely had it not been for the ring. Today, J wrote,” I think the season for God’s purposes for you having the ring is over, I remember it was quite amazing how you came to have it in the first place. It’s interesting how He teaches and leads us in each season learning new trust and surrender in greater measures each time.”

I am learning, that trusting God with my relationships, now and in the future, will take me through a higher level of faith. I am learning that I have reached the point where my heart needs to be s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d, that I need to expect more from myself than others, that reality stands in stark constrast to disney, and that if someone comes in a white horse and the whole fairy tale get-up (which someone did in some way), he most likely is a fake-o. That though reality doesn’t come with sparkles and medieval battles, there is beauty in simplicity and plain integrity. I am learning, that I need to be less proud and more real with myself and others, that I need to stop shutting people out from my life just because they are nice to me, and that while certain standards cannot be compromised, I have to stop trying to surpass the ceiling in setting expectations. This will not be a comfortable learning curve, but one which I will have to embark on nonetheless, to learn the lesson of seeing things through, till the very end.

I could not sleep last night- something turned restlessly within me as I pondered over the silly mistakes I had made because of my attitude towards relationships and people, and wondered if they were irreversible. Aunty L wrote me today, “Did not miss the ring, I hope. I pray for the hands of God to embrace you tenderly. Is anything too hard for Him?”

I want to learn not to fear pain but to see things through. And I hope Aunty L will have reason to return my ring back to me someday, when I no longer will need it anymore because of a new one I’ve received.

So I don’t have my ring anymore. And that is that.