Nuts and moths.

“Doctor Wai Jia, ni yao jia you ah!”

Doctor Wai Jia, you can do it.

It was one of the nurses who had seen the tears in my eyes in the wards today. I was working, sending in another nursing home application, ordering another drug through the online pharmaceutical system, checking the laboratory results of one of my patients… and feeling utterly down, realizing that I had hit rock bottom in my year as a junior doctor. Having been used to praise and affirmative mentorship in my first four months as a junior doctor and enjoying every moment of work which I had found so fulfilling, I had never felt so discouraged before- what with all the shouting and knuckle-rapping and condescension I had faced over the past 3 weeks. After waking up before 6am every morning, working 100-hour work weeks and working oneself dry over the past month with nary a word of commendation but only facing rhetorical questions, frowns, raised eyebrows and harsh tones, I began to doubt myself and lose confidence in my abilities.

After trying so hard, I still fell short. Yet, for all one’s hard work, it would simply be mopped up by competitive seniors, who insist that those at the lowest rung (me) should keep their mouth shut.

It was my consultant/senior doctor who confronted me.

“Why aren’t you speaking up? You’ve become more and more withdrawn.”

To which I shared what happened that day when I got yelled at for sharing my thoughts as a doctor and was, in a way, threatened to be remain silent. And to which he replied, to my horror, “Well if he shouts at you, you should shout back.”

Welcome to the real world.

I was horrified. And then I realized, that he had graded me poorly for the month’s evaluation because I had become so quiet in my work because of fear, fear of being shouted at again for nothing I had done wrong, fear of being rapped at again for errors, fear of being told off or being told I was stupid for asking questions. I realize, that in the real world, some Big People are civil only to people who live on a rung higher than themselves. Everybody else, especially the House Officer (also known as phytoplankton of the food chain who gets chewed by everyone- nurses and doctors and patients alike) gets regular reminders of their lowly positions.

I just couldn’t take it anymore.

One of my juniors who saw me at work today bought me a drink just when I needed it the most and tears just dammed up behind my eyes in gratitude and thanks. A nurse, seeing me at the lift lobby, said to me, “Doctor Wai Jia, ni yao jia you ah!”

Doctor Wai Jia, you can do it.

And I felt like crying because I just felt, like I couldn’t. I can’t. I never knew how three weeks of having people above you telling you how useless and stupid and unappreciated you are could be so damaging.

But I am learning, that God puts us through fire, not for naught. And He always sends angels to encourage us. And it is funny, how He always uses people who are seemingly “lowly” and meek to give us that much-needed word of support.

It was another senior doctor from my previous hospital who wrote a funny and yet truthful note to me:

“Well Wai Jia, monkeys love bananas and squirrels love nuts. One will always not be too popular if one is a nut in a land of moneys. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that the nut is intrinsically bad… just the wrong fruit in the wrong place. One can be a little more popular by wearing a banana suit, but inside, one will still be a nut. If one tries to convince oneself that one is a banana, one will suffer even more, because then, one becomes neither a banana nor a nut. Basically, the moral of the story is, be true to yourself, never stop believing in yourself, no matter what others say.”

I’ve been told I’ve been stupid and slow and a burden in this surgical posting. I have heard stories of House Officers being spat with expletives in their faces, and senior doctors who have made junior doctors cry. And what they gain by putting down those who serve them and their patients never fails to boggle me. But I am learning, that is the real working world. To survive, I could put on pants and shout back, fight back, tooth and nail, but… there is a better way.

“Look, to survive in a surgical posting, you just gotta be more assertive. If your medical officer scolds you for nothing, you should very well shout back,” said the consultant unabashedly, a loud and forthright man himself.

I was stunned momentarily. I was waiting for him to laugh, waiting for him to vindicate me and offer to stand up for me when I realize, he wasn’t joking at all.

“It’s just not my nature, sir.”

“Then you’ll get chewed. You’re already getting chewed by my team, I can see.”

I am learning, that God sometimes puts us in situations where He allows us to be assaulted, so we can find who we truly are inside. By my own effort, I would have blown my fuse and hardened my heart a long time ago; by my own effort, I would have given up and given in; by my own effort, I would have expired a long time ago.

The world’s logic is this: a tooth for a tooth and an eye for an eye. If you stab me, I will stab you, too.

But I remember, that we are doctors for a reason, for the Reason that God has called us to, and so I’d rather come into His arms in tears and more tears.

It was a doctor friend who encouraged me today:

“For God will help me,

Therefore I will not be disgraced;

Therefore I have set My face like a flint,

And I know that I will not be ashamed.

He who vindicates me is near,

Who will contend against me?

… Surely God will help me.

Who is he who will condemn me?

Indeed they will all grow old like a garment;

The moth will eat them up.”

I can’t do this alone.

I am learning, the importance of finding our identities in God and in achoring our souls in Him, in spite of what others say. I am learning, of the importance of treasuring onself as a nut in a land of bananas. And I am learning, the importance of staying true to one’s values, to continue to trust God above all else.

 

·       “He will fight for you and you shall hold your peace.”

 – Exodus 14:14

 Thank you to those of you who have been praying for me and for your encouragement when you see me in the hospital wards. God bless you.