My throat tightened.
I didn’t want to to admit it, but I was freaking out.
“What’s going on?”
“I’m speaking at a different venue tmrw. I’m uncomfortable with the set-up. I don’t have anything good to wear. I can’t release this recording and -.”
“Stop. 95% of what you just said has nothing to do with what matters.”
Suddenly, the walls crumbled. Cliff had called out my perfectionism from its shadows- I flushed red.
“This is not about putting up your best show. Its NOT a show! It’s about speaking God’s Word.”
Familiar words whispered in my ear, “I asked you to be available, not perfect.”
My fork clinked- that was not only a message for me, but for all of us, parents and otherwise.
“Are you OK, Mama?”
“I’m just a little nervous preaching tomorrow.”
“Be Brave, Mama,” my five-year old chimed in.
“When I go to school, sometimes I get nervous. But I remember God is with me. God is with you too.”
Tears.
The very message I had prepared, called Lean In, was the very thing God wanted me to do- to lean into my discomfort, embrace my imperfection and walk in courage anyway.
“Will you pray for me?”
“Dear God, I pray Mama will be HAPPY when she preaches. Amen!”
I looked at my 5-year old, astounded by her wisdom. Truly, JOY is the mark of courage and compassion, of believing that showing up is more powerful than being perfect.
For when we give up being human for being perfect, we trade in our joy for sterility.
After my message, my littles scampered toward me with their mothers’ day crafts, with SF shouting, “Mama! Did you preach well! Were you HAPPY!”
At once, I thought of how often our need to perform and perfect can hinder what we actually have to offer to others. In your journey, have you robbed others of your gift by feeling it’s not good enough, and hiding it away?
Don’t.
A man texted me, “I teared through the message.”
Like stained glass on a dark night, God loves imperfect vessels so He can shine through it.
“Yes I was, sweetheart,” I replied. “I was very happy, and so was Papa God too, I think.”
*The recording will be released on a later date.