The problem I think with mom-guilt is that it really isn’t guilt at all.
It’s shame.
While guilt is feeling bad for something we’ve done wrong, shame is that terrible feeling that WE are bad. Guilt may say “I feel bad for missing out on my child’s sports day due to work.” But shame concludes “I’m a terrible mom.”
In my short time of being a mother, the most common question I’ve received is “how do you deal with Mom-guilt?”
I’m no expert- but having been a SAHM, full-time then part-time working mum, and fly-off-to-Africa-alone mom, I know what mom-guilt feels like.
Here’s breaking it down.
1. Recognize and call out the shaming. If you jump from something you did to name-calling (I’m an awful mom), that’s self-shaming.
2. Put a distance between what you did and your conclusion. E.g snapping at your child because of stress at work does not mean you’re a terrible parent.
3. Embrace your emotions. If you feel guilty, it may not be bad. Guilt tells us what we did wasn’t right. Our emotions point us to what needs work on- if I’m constantly yelling, it could mean I need to spin fewer plates, say no more.
But here’s the crucial part.
4. Sit with your discomfort and clarify your values.
I once had a young mom tell me how awful she felt for continually being promoted at work when all she wanted was to be a SAHM. I encouraged her to clarify her values.
Once she realized that her values of spending quality time in her kids’ early years trumped her value for power, it became crystal clear she needed to quit.
5. Follow through with your values. When you make uncomfortable decisions courageously, that power redefines and re-empowers who you are.
Amidst the chaos, the allures and the struggles of our world, ultimately lie our hearts and what they value at the center.
When you honor who you are by what you value, and live it out bravely, mom-guilt may not dissipate completely, but it will not longer be that crushing burden on your shoulders.
You deserve that freedom. I hope this helps ❤️