Decrease.

With something inside me still struggling with coming to terms with this increasing exposure to the public sphere, and that deep awareness of the disparity between who I am and who others may think me to be, I wondered if I would be able to deliver today’s sharing to the youths at the church I’d been invited to with much conviction at all.

To be honest, I didn’t even know what to say. After an early morning ride to the beach and two timely emails dropped into my inbox just before church, though, I was reminded of the importance of looking to God instead of myself.

It was D, whom I look up to as my elder sis at church who wrote to me late last night:

“… But we are only human and we have to accept that. That should bring us to a place of realising how much we need God to take away our humanness and our flesh and fill us more with Himself…

…You may be getting more well known here in Singapore. But imagine if you were transplanted to Saudi Arabia or even the US. No one will even know you. So ‘fame’ is so transient in that sense. We need to remember to be grounded and remember that life goes on. You’re still your parents’ little girl and our little sister. And there’s nothing you need to prove to us. If it helps, I’ve never viewed you as the Outstanding Youth, or Doctor, or Writer, although those are all part of who you are. But you are special as you are. You’re a real person, and a very gifted and special person, and all those accolades and achievements are just a recognition of who you are. So you shouldn’t have to ‘work’ to keep up with yourself. You are all these because you are you.

The difference between a normal gifted person and a gifted person who has surrendered his life to God is that God can really use the latter to an extraordinary degree. And that’s who you are. You have surrendered your life and all you are to God, and as you allow Him to use you, you have become a blessing to many people. So you have to remember to be grounded and know who you are in Him, and that apart from Him, you are nothing. You may still be everything on the outside, but without Him, without love, all that you do is nothing.

I think the root of the problem for me when I struggle with meeting man’s expectations and needing to be perfect is that I think too highly of myself, more highly than I ought to. I’ve always felt God has given me so much, maybe even in areas of ministry, that He has gifted me in some ways, and hence so much is expected from me. That is true, in that I need to yield all my talents to Him, but taken the wrong way, can also put added pressure on me. I always have to remind myself that I don’t matter, but that I should always point people to God. I struggle with the ‘inward pat on my own back’ when I feel that I’ve helped someone or done something well in ministry. I need to remind myself what I’ve heard once, that if I don’t take credit that belongs to God, I also will not need to take failures on myself. We have to take ourselves out of the equation and just leave God in. Which is very very hard. But oh well… I must decrease and He increase.”

I must decrease, and He increase. How true.

Sitting at the pews of this new church, I thought of D’s email and was encouraged to know, that no matter what, I would always still be my daddy’s brat, my girl-friends’ coffee company, my church aunties’ little girl, and not some high-flying “public” figure.

I became uncomfortable as I saw my own pictures flashed on screen as my friend preached at the main service, telling his congregation about God leading me on mission trips etc. But as I reminded myself of God’s centrality amidst this, instead of focusing on myself, I found relief in knowing that in the grand scheme of things, I am but a little drop in the ocean.

At the end of my friend’s preaching at the pulpit, some parents came up to tell me how encouraged they were. I was relieved, in knowing that my friend, the preacher of today’s Youth Special Service, chose not to highlight my awards or achievements, or the number of mission trips I’d been on or the newspaper coverages… But simply, chose to highlight how God had used me to befriend Grandpa Zhou, how He had used me to paint Kitesong and my burden for missions.

After the main service and just before I gave a sharing at their youth service, I received an email. It was sent to me by an American single lady whom I met at a missions hospital at Kalimantan a year ago, and who wholeheartedly serves the marginalized in America. Her words brought tears to my eyes:

Hiya Wai Jia,

You’ve strongly been on my mind this past week. I’ve prayed more for you. I caught up on the latest posts. What a schedule. What highs and lows. What guilt. What fear. I wondered how it would be when a patient passes into eternity on your watch. I’m certain I would feel guilt and continually ask what more could I have done. I’m so glad you know Jesus as your Savior and as your Life. I don’t know how you could deal with those critical issues without Him, especially when you body is physically exhausted. Wai Jia, keep your mind focused on Christ. Know that it is He Who is the One who gives life. Awesome concept while it’s working; yet unnerving when He chooses to allow one to pass from this life into the next. Never give up trying all you know to try. But when all you’ve done isn’t enough to keep them here, you must REST in Christ’s Sovereignty. I can’t imagine that you will ever get used to letting one go; if you did, I would think you were not a good care giving and compassionate Doctor.

As for your latest post, add me to those who are singing your praises, but don’t get upset about it, please. I love you in spite of your humanity. In you I see an individual striving to know God and to obey Him. You are serious about being His disciple. And that’s the model that brings praise to God. And that’s what people are seeing in you. Some may be infatuated with your earthly accomplishments, but that’s not the Wai Jia I admire. Your level of personal discipline is great and your desires to be the “best” are excellent personal character traits. However, the best part about Wai Jia is her intent to love God with all her heart and with all her soul.

So, keep being sensitive to His leading. As you are, people will look up to you – not that you necessarily want that (because that is pressure). Remember, people need heroes. They are looking for people larger than life. None of us fits that profile. But as you continue to seek God, He is conforming you to His image – that’s what people are seeing. They may falsely think that it’s Wai Jia; you know it’s the Lord Jesus that’s working in you, to you, and through you. And in that rejoice and praise Him.

C
My simple sharing went all right. I didn’t share about my awards or achievements, or my adventures in Mozambique. Instead, I shared about my wilfulness to go to Nepal, my little faith to believe that I could make a difference to others, Kitesong, my journey through depression and anorexia, Rainbow… And my message was simply this- that unlike what the world demands- respectability, credentials and status, God looks out for “despised” traits and transforms them into things of great power. My recklessness, naïveté, depression and illness were the very things that brought about change and impact of eternal significance to the world around me.

It was funny, to recall how people once told me, that I had to make a name for myself in medicine, be a famous doctor, before the world would pay any attention to me and the books I wrote/painted. But God works completely differently, and He taught me, that with a willing heart, He would use the lowest and most insignificant things of this world for beauty and glory.

If God could use a person like me, He can use you, too.

So I’m glad and relieved, that in spite of how the world elevates us according to its own opinion, and is fascinated by its own brand of heroism and idolism, we can be sure that God knows our humanity, warts and all.

And that shall keep us grounded and confident in Him.