In short, there was more publicity than I was comfortable with regarding my involvement in missions and social work within a short amount of time. People were coming up to me to tell me about them.
I wasn’t comfortable. In fact, I was deeply troubled. Because the fact of the matter is, while the world may think well of me, only God and I know how human and fleshly I really am. Only God knows the full picture- how my patience wears thin at 2am in the morning when I’m on my 30-hour monster shift at work, how I get annoyed with certain things, how unspiritual I can be at times.
And it bothered me, that such was the disparity between what man thought and who I was. It troubled me for days. I felt there was a block in my spiritual plumbing as my own sins, like a ball of dirt, clogged up my inner being.
It didn’t help that I had been invited to share my life to a group of youth tomorrow. I felt inadequate. Imperfect. Flawed.
God, I wish these people would realize how human I am. Ha, it won’t take them long to realize how awful I am. And then, I might disappoint You by disappointing them.
Perhaps, the real trouble was not how I felt, but that I had expected myself to measure up to what I thought people think of me. When in fact, my own flaws and failings should only serve to humble me, to help me realize that truly, my own bright spots are truly God’s redemptive power and love working in my life, saving me from a thousand of my own deaths had I continued in my own selfish, wilful ways.
Yes, I get annoyed; yes, I say things which I’d rather not at times; yes, many times I could have been more gracious. But now I truly see, how then I must allow God to increase and myself to decrease, before I can truly release myself of the need to seem perfect, because only then, can God work deeply in my life, and release me from the pressure of being under scrutiny of a more public eye.
So when people come up to me and say, “Oh hi Wai Jia, I read about you, I’m so glad to meet you in person”, I could neither feel guilty nor ashamed, but be proud, proud that God is one who loves us so much and is so amazing that He could use a wretch like me to do some good in this world.
And if He can do it through someone as ordinary and wretched and fallen as me, He can do it through you, too.
“He must become greater; I must become less.”
-John 3:30