There are some burdens to carry that only leaders understand.
When lives depend on you, you feel compelled to be responsible.When the brick is one brick, you feel dutiful. When its two, three bricks, you feel challenged. But when the bricks become a mountain full, it bears down on you, day after day. And at some point, you wonder when it might crush you.Earlier this month, I had seriously considered folding up the Singapore entity of Kitesong Global.
The trauma of being audited, and the weight of administration and governance was increasing. I needed staff, but we had no funding. And without funding, it felt wrong to advertise. I did not want to solicit. I wanted to just, like the ancient men and women of God, pray and watch God move. But nothing was happening.
The vicious cycle of futility sat in my chest like a rock. At the worst of times, someone from my day job’s HR department contacted me and pressured me to either relinquish all my staff privileges and be demoted to temp staff or relinquish my role as CEO of Kitesong Global. Even though I had declared my roles upfront when I was seconded and recruited, I was informed this was “overlooked”. After two years.
All this, the week after my boss had offered a pay increase for my performance and growing responsibilities at work. I did not understand. It was an assault on both fronts. I felt God asking me if I was willing to pay the price. After weeks and weeks of prayer, tears, and travail- nothing. Then I said yes. I am willing to pay the price to be faithful to what I have been given.
Not to flout rules, of course. But to be willing to be questioned with integrity and not to take the easy way out by transferring my CEO-ship just to get round things. Then earlier this week, I was asked to meet someone, a big “towkay” (Big Boss) of sorts. Feeling small walking through the corridors of an ostentatious building with high ceilings, I held back tears. I did not want to be there, did not want to invest emotionally in sharing my life story, only to be told, “What you do is good, and we wish you the best. But.”
I wanted to keep my dignity, and being connected with someone with the hopes I would receive “help” in some way felt wrong, awful, even. I did not want to be there.
“But he really WANTS to meet you,” came the insistent reply.
Feeling nervous and fragile, I prayed, “God, please send me an Angel to sit with me in the room.”
My nerves were frayed. My ego, fragile. I was desperate.
How odd then, that when I walked into the office, an elderly white-haired man accompanied Boss and sat right down. “Oh, he’s an old friend! Very generous…” he paused for dramatic effect, “with his TIME!”
As I shared my story, Boss interjected with stories from his life. Maybe he’s not interested at all, I thought. But the elderly man’s riveted posture, curious questions provided a calming presence. He was what I needed.
Midway through the meeting, I had an epiphany- that he was the angel God had sent, to steady my nerves and strengthen my heart.
At the end of my slides, I used every ounce of strength to hold in my tears. I was done. I wanted to go home. I held onto my dignity- I refused to make an ask. When Boss laughed and said, “Oh, I know someone who would LOVE to help! There’s this woman who…” His voice faded out. “If you need funding for a PA and intern, I’m sure she can help!”
He was referring me to someone else. This was a wasted trip. What I do doesn’t really matter. There are lives at stake but this is my burden to carry. Maybe I should fold it. How can the world be so unfair- how can this building be made of gilded gold that could fund so much more than what I need. I am through with this. Pitch presentations suck. I’ll never do this again. I hate this.
I looked down to hide my tears. I wanted to go home. I was prepared to leave when the older man put his arm around Boss and said, “Hey, between you and me, we can take care of this for her.”I could no longer hold back my tears.
The older man was rushing off to Star Vista, and because I needed to be in that part of town to get my booster jab, he offered a ride.
In the car, he looked at me and chortled warmly, wholeheartedly, “You talked about believing in the power of small dreams, of faith… Your message is for you… He will always, always provide for you! You are never alone, Wai Jia. He’s gonna be with you till you get charity and IPC status. People like us, we’re here to help in the interim till then. Then you can fly.”
I wanted to rejoice but only tears streamed down.Sitting in his car, I realized how much God had provided. Even though four of us in our family rely on my single part-time public health administrator income (which is not a doctor’s paycheck), even though taking the cab is always a pinch because the costs easily add up, God provided not only help in terms of funding, but a free ride to what would otherwise have cost me a bomb.
As he dropped me off outside the mall he was rushing to for another meeting, smiling with a deep assurance, I looked up and realized I was lost.I had to head to the community center- who knows where that was.
At the traffic light while waiting, an elderly uncle dressed in old ragged clothing on a rusty bicycle looked like this hood belonged to him. “Uncle, can you tell me where Buona Vista CC is?”I expected him to point me in the general direction and ride off. Instead, he said, “Follow me. I go with you. All the way.”
He rode through the traffic light and off he went. But just down the little road, he stopped. He was waiting for me.
“You walk down this stairs ah. I ride down long way there. You wait that place for me.”I was lost. And he, a stranger unknown to me, meant every word when he said, “Follow me. I go with you. All the way.”
He was making a huge detour just to make sure I got where I needed to be on time.“Uncle, you so kind, thank you. A bit ‘gan ga’(awkward) but can I take a photo of us to remember you!?”
“Of course!”
Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized God speaking to me through the day’s events-Where there seemed to be no way out, where the burden of running a not-for-profit became too big to bear alone, He provided help through the angel I asked for.
When I needed transport, He provided a lift.And when I was lost, he provided a stranger who echoes Christ’s command, “Follow me. I will be with you. All the way.”
When I finally got home, I walked into the living room to find Cliff and the kids making paper kites for the first time. Of all days.
Beloved, if you feel lost and forgotten, God has not left you in the lurch.
It might have been weeks and months of heartache and bruising, persecution and hardship, but breakthrough will come. Press in. Pray.
In the quiet of the darkness, God is committed to going with you all the way to take you to your final destination.
Take heart.