I’ve always been terrified of pregnancy.
Mood swings, perpetual discomforts, unbearable pain.. were what I’d learnt from the media. Medical school primed me for worse- complications, interventions, terminations… It looked arduous, and not for the fainthearted.
Yet, I knew I had to face this someday. Cliff had always longed to be a father. What he eventually found out, though, was that I was terrified to be a mother.
Absolutely petrified.
But how prayer changes things.
While I prayed for God to change my heart, Cliff had prayed for Him to help me overcome my fears, and for an easy, joyful pregnancy, whenever that would be.
As time passed, my fears about pregnancy and parenting didn’t dissipate- but they became small, insignificant even, in comparison to the plans and purposes God had in store for us as a family.
A mentor of mine texted me one day, “Wai Jia, I think you’re going to start a family very soon.” Filled with sadness from a false pregnancy alarm just 2 months before, I asked directly if she was so sure because she had heard from God.
“Well, yes.”
The very next month, we found out I was expecting at 5 weeks.
Here it goes, I thought.
I anticipated it would be dreadful, that I would struggle with the battery of pregnancy sicknesses and battle with dark moods.
Instead, the past 20 weeks have been one exhilarating discovery after another, as we peeled away petal after petal of God’s amazing goodness, to come closer to the core of His heart for us three, in a lifetime of serving the needy together.
Instead, we stand in wondrous awe at the life that is growing, kicking, loving us from the inside, establishing itself not from our own capabilities, but because of God putting His plan, set before the foundation of the world, into motion.
He sows, and He grows. What a privilege that He should count us worthy to carry a life to fruition, and to steward its destiny.
In the limitations of my human mind, I expected this new transition to add new challenges and thus, strains onto marriage.
Instead, I am in awe of how a husband’s love for his wife could grow even more, beyond what I could ever imagine.
It’s as if when we married, I saw my husband’s love for me fill the sea. And now, it seems like it’s filling the skies too.
When you had to leave overseas for a work trip, you left a daily treasure hunt and flowers for me, telling me how proud you were of your pregnant wife taking care of “two of you”. When I was feeling blue and overwhelmed, you turned the entire day around by ending it with a fun and romantic trip to buy a beautiful maternity dress for me- you were the only man in the shop! And amidst your busyness, you signed us up for parenting and prenatal courses, and continue to devour one parenting book a week.
In the limitations of my human mind, I think to myself: pregnancy ought to be hard. I imagine it’s hard because the world continues to tell us how difficult the journey is. It continues to spin recklessly while our own world starts to change, transform, slow down.
The dissonance can be alienating, distressing even. But you’ve changed the whole dynamics of it, dancing in rhythm to a changing song I keep feeling out of sync with, creating a parallel universe for me that feels safe, and memorable, even.
You’ve made pregnancy so joyful, I think I could do it all over again.
In the limitations of my human mind, I think to myself: pregnancy ought to be hard. When I was scheduled for a sponsored work trip to Norway right in what was supposed to be the peak of morning symptoms in my first trimester, I thought it would be a disaster.
Yet, it turned out to be the best road trip ever, with us going on planes and ferries and long hikes to see astounding sights. It became an unexpected ‘babymoon’ that could only have been planned by God in His timely fashion.
It should be an expensive endeavour, but God has blessed us with a Gynae who refuses to charge us a cent for consults at her private clinic here.
It should have been an emotional roller coaster, but Baby has been such a joy and ease to carry- my mood has been the most stable its ever been, I’ve felt healthier and happier, and sleep far more soundly than I ever used to.
How God confounds us, in His amazing grace and mercy.
In the limitations of my human mind, I think to myself: pregnancy ought to be hard.
But God has a different message- one of grace which knows no depth, and love that knows no end.
I am learning, that when we release our fears and subject our lives to His plans, how He can break the limitations of our minds, surpass our human understanding and confound the wise.
This journey ought to be hard, what with the multiple upcoming transitions of crossing continents, and what could be another 6 moves in 2 years to do what He has called us to. But God has surprised us again and again, with His amazing blessings which never cease to confound, and break the limitations of our understanding.
Thank you to all of you have been journeying with us, and to an amazing husband whose love reflects His. <3
More updates to come about our next big transition halfway across the world.
Love,
Team Tam (with Tiny Tam)
Baby Tam praying in the womb at 13 wks (LEFT)
and kicking (What a KICKER Baby is!) since 16 weeks up to this point at 20 wks (RIGHT)!
Love how those chubby legs have grown!