I felt like a fool.
It wasn’t a new feeling. But sitting there at that point, I understood the Chinese saying of what “diulian” meant. Literally, it means having one’s “face” thrown on the floor, an expression to describe an undignified loss of face.
I suppose, the truth of the matter is this- that there will always come a time where our core values will be challenged, amidst the flux of this changing world. We go about each day trying to do our best to earn the favour of men. But when crunch time comes to make a decision that reflects who we are and what we stand for, are we afraid to go against the grain, even at the expense of looking silly?
I knew I did. At that point, I felt like I had lost all credibility.
After all, how was I going to explain my decision? That I was throwing away a perfectly amazing career opportunity for something as nebulous as “serving God”? What? Seriously? You giving THAT up, for what?
It’s happened before. But these situations don’t really go away for good, do they. One is constantly tested. The fact is- are we willing to surrender all, at all times, at all cost?
What is precious in the eyes of God, can often appear foolish in the eyes of the world.
I never quite saw the need to explain myself- why my perspective has changed so drastically. My career used to mean everything to me. Everything. If I could reach the stars, why not?
When Cliff came into my life, my priorities changed. It wasn’t love. I didn’t even like him at first. But God challenged me- He asked me if I would be like this man, who understood the transience and brevity of life because of his cancer and transplant, if I was willing to surrender everything I held on to, if I would be willing to live for only what really mattered at the end of our lives.
That gripped me. It changed my worldview forever.
It was as if everything I had and stood for turned into ash. Thus commenced my journey of loss and release, letting go of what I had so strongly tied my identity to, but never brought me or anyone lasting joy or eternal purpose. Before we left for Africa, we sold and gave away things which were precious to us, because we saw that the truly precious things in life, are things you cannot see or wrap in a box.
Then I wrote “Savour”, a book challenging us about the true meaning of success. I thought I was through with this struggle.
I am learning, that as long as we want to hold true to ourselves, that there will always be times we will have to take a hit for what we believe in.
Yes, I understand it looks like a loss to my career. Yes, I understand the implications. Yes, I’ve discussed this with my husband.
No, I don’t feel like I’m taking a step back. No, it’s not a rash decision. No, it’s not “my sacrifice for him”, because it’s what we both feel God has called us to. It’s the best decision we can make at the moment- jointly. I’m not prepared to put our marriage or our lives on the line for a giant leap in my career.
Yes. No. Yes. Yes. No. No. No.
There are times we have to make decisions and we will seem foolish. There are times we might even be asked to explain ourselves, and it might not feel good.
But remember, that when Jesus went on the Cross, it never felt good, even though it was the will of the Father. The key is this, when you know what you’ve been called to do, just do it.
People see the awards I’ve got and think I’ve got it all, that I’ve got the path to success all sorted out. The truth is awards don’t matter. That’s right, they don’t. They don’t count for anything when we die, except turn to dust, rust and ashes.
What counts is truth. What counts is whether we lived our lives accountable to ourselves, to our community and to God. What counts is whether we lived a life filled with joy and meaning to give to others.
When I die, I want to be emptied of what I had to give for others, filled with joy and fulfillment that I led a life well-lived.
This is the life God’s challenged me to live for, and I’m going to live it.
“To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways,
not knowing what tomorrow may bring.
This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness,
but it should be an expression of breathless expectation.
We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God.
As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us,
He begins to fill our lives with surprises.
When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief,
something within us dies.
That is not believing God– it is only believing our belief about Him.
Jesus said, “…unless you…become as little children…” (Matthew 18:3).
The spiritual life is the life of a child.”
– Oswald Chambers, Utmost for His Highest