“He’s messing with me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean he’s doing it again.”
“Doing what?”
“Doing what he’s used to doing. Messing with me. Playing with my head, taking things away. I’m angry. And I’m scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Scared that he’ll take things away… again. I realise today that he pulled a fast one on me again. I thought I had it, now it’s gone. I’ve been losing things… A lot of things that were supposed to happen this season, aren’t happening. A lot of things are at standstill, put on hold, haven’t heard from my publisher/my professor etc about a number of things important to me for some time, kinda feel my recovery has plateaued and my injury isn’t getting better anymore, I’m losing my body and having to adapt to and accept it all over again, I’ve so many thoughts about residency and feelings about it to process, and today, this. I don’t know what’s happening. Maybe he’s teaching me patience and trust… and that, without him, I’m really completely… nothing.”
“Jia, don’t be discouraged. Remember if God wants you there, He will surely open the door. I know you’re going through quite a bit, praying God will lift your spirits with fresh Hope and trust in Him.”
Last Saturday I couldn’t sleep till 3am. Like a tree in a hurricane, I wondered just which gale it would take to break me, once and for all. I’ve lost so many things this season, what next? In my moment of weakness I asked you many questions. But when I finally awoke, bleary eyed but heavy-hearted and dragged my iron-feet to church, and willed myself to be joyful for the new morning, something I saw as I crossed the road outside my home to the taxi stand reminded me again of Your faithfulness and love.
Times like these, I just want to close my eyes and believe this hurricane is not for naught. If you can remember how much a silly umbrella means to me, surely you know what this means to me?
I need sleep, God. I surrender.
hello Waijia jiejie, (okay I'm actually about 4 years younger, I think? But you're so much more mature, it puts me to shame), this is Eudora – who once commented here (and yes, I still read without commenting, haha!) This is probably relatively minor in my limited experience as a student, but .. you know, God's taking things away from me, too. He's *just* (as in, I just got the letter today – this evening) taken away my place in NTU, even though I had to appeal – and I'd thought, I'd get it after the appeal to appreciate the place more ..
But you know what? I think I had this coming (hahahha), because before that I was given more than I wanted, more than what I was asking for – growing closer to the youth group in church (through church camp, and a retreat) whom I wasn't really close to, because I'd never gone for Saturday youth sessions (when they did), just normal Sunday morning service.
I can't really say what I feel now, but like haha, it's making me realise .. that it's Really Hard to live up to ".. wherever You may lead, I *will* go" (lyrics of the song but also a personal promise I made, few years back) And also, I guess, to tell you that .. with everything that's taken away, surely something will come in return, something much bigger and better. 🙂
(k this is like, what did I just do, it's quite a major thing to share esp online so aaahhh hahaha)
Hi Eudora,
Thanks for being so brave and honest to share! You're such a sweetheart. All things will work out for good, let's just continue to TRUST and OBEY! 🙂
love.