“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“ That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
“I don’t much care where-“
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”
– Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
I guess, the problem is not that we have no place to go. The problem is, rather, that we have too many places that we could go to.
Amazing people to meet, exotic lands to step on, foods exploding with new tastes and smells, strange sights to see… Should the uncertainty at least make one of us a little excited, a little tingly with anticipation? The opportunities are endless. After all, every person we meet seems to know someone or something we could be linked up with, an organisation or project or some deep and profound need that we could be perfect to fill.
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“ That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”
A part of me is frustrated by the fact that there have been so many options but yet I am convinced that God’s way has been none of these amazing choices on this never-ending platter of variations (“How about..? And how about…? Oh you’d be perfect for this…! Oh I have someone to introduce you to over dinner!). Yet, in spite of a consuming hunger yearning for and wanting to know God’s will for us, the so-called “Right” road, God’s way, it was this process of praying, seeking, examining my own thoughts and responses to various options that also exposed me to my own hypocrisy and cracks.
You see, doing good has become fashionable. It earns you a good reputation, adds to your portfolio, gives you something to talk about at an interview, looks good on your resume. In today’s world, if you can spend a little money to travel a little further to someone a little more exotic to take a picture with someone of a different race and skin color, it’s considered great. Anywhere that holds a little more danger, ramps your edgy/adventurous/cool/do-gooder points up a notch. Been to somewhere as far as Haiti or Africa? That’s it- you’re a saint.
Hasn’t it become so? And I found myself ashamed and disgusted at myself as I examined the inner responses I had to various places. What if God called us to Canada’s street poor? Canada?! No, too comfortable overall, too scenic a place- people would think I’m holidaying here. Japan’s spiritually hollow? Too developed, too sterile. Bangkok? Too “slum”, too chaotic. Malaysia? Too near. Myanmar? Too quiet, not “happening” enough. Pakistan? Maybe. Possible.
As these thoughts streamed through my head like a bullet train and my mind lay naked on the tracks under the wheels of a thousand pound vehicle steaming over it, I realized, that without even realizing it, I had reduced my faith… and God, into nothing more than a do-gooder badge to wear on a rainy day out.
It was then revealed to me, that the pain I am experiencing this season, comes not just from the sense of lostness, transition and uncertainty, but largely and significantly from the fact that the journey God has been leading us on, is no longer considered cool, hip or “sexy”.
Once, I was a high-flyer. I had the chance to pursue anything in medical academia and still take pictures with the sick and dying halfway across the world. Pretty glamorous, in the eyes of the world, I would say, in retrospect. Medical doctor with a heart, is always a nice headline for magazines, online columns or newspapers. Now, imagine me having to take a whole train ride worth of steps back, fumbling over the words to say to my seniors and directors and family and friends, that I’ve had to make a different sort of decision (and no, not because I’m married, but yes, in a way yes, but not in the way you think) to pursue what is illogical, irrational and simply unwise in the world’s eyes.
Not so glamorous or cool or sexy anymore, eh?
We may not think we think this way, but at times, it may not even be obvious. Insidiously, this sort of hypocrisy colours many of our perceptions- some to smaller, and some to larger extents.
Even our faith has become cool. We tattoo the cross on our bodies, fill up our bags with PEACE and MAKE LOVE NOT WAR badges, buy anti-sweatshop and fair-trade clothes and products. It’s all pretty good, and it’s all pretty cool too.
Then what happens when all this cool-ness runs out? When God takes away what my entire identity was built upon, when sharing His love instead of establishing a career brings me scorn and despicion, when the two can no longer co-exist but must require a giving up of the other, when, oh my, a “nearby” country that’s not as poor or war-torn or desperate is not “worth” enough of my sacrifice compared to somewhere further, more dangerous and more exotic.
Let’s be candid.
When it comes to what God has called us to, how many of us can be dead certain of our undying obedience and unyielding allegiance to our faith and Him, in the face of… not even persecution, I mean, just a bit of belittlement in the eyes of others.
In our Me-centred, instant-gratification, Wii-satisfying world we are in, I’m not sure if there’ll be many of us who can withstand the test.
I am learning, that wherever God calls, we must follow. We must follow unyielding, obediently, and often times, sacrificially. And if we do not, then we cannot deny that our lives have been shrouded in hypocrisy, worthy to be staged only for men’s praise.
A good rule is this:
If this experience has served to humble me and make me little and vile in my own eyes,
it is of God,
but if it has given me a feeling of self satisfaction,
it is false and should be dismissed as emanating from the devil.
Nothing that comes from God will minister to my pride of self congratulation.
– A. W Tozer, Gems from Tozer