* Recently, Cliff and I were asked to write an article on what we have learnt from our marriage. Here’s sharing an article published on the National Family Council website yesterday, written by Cliff and myself. We hope it blesses the young people out there navigating through the seas of relationships!
All my life, I (Wai Jia) never had a boyfriend. When I was 24, I was certain I would not get married. After all, I was headstrong and fiercely independent. My medical career lay ahead of me, glistening with promise. Why would I want a relationship to get me down? Relationships were sticky, messy, even. After all the stories of heartbreak I had seen among my friends, and stories of painful divorces and abuse among married couples I knew, I had hardened my heart to any Prince Charming who might get in my way of a great dream in helping others through medical and humanitarian missions. Being alone was great.
All my life, I (Cliff) never had a steady girlfriend. I was 32, but all the many girls I had liked never seemed to share the same dreams and values I did. When I finally did come close to courtship, the girl’s parents violently objected to our relationship. I was heartbroken. But I understood their concerns- after having survived liver cancer when I was ten years of age and going through a liver transplant, they were worried I would leave their daughter widowed at a young age. Never mind that I was fit and healthy enough to have completed an Iron Man event or won in competitive athletic events. I thought, perhaps being alone would not be so bad after all.
When our paths crossed, I (Wai Jia) was extremely guarded. What did this man want from me? Surely he would complicate my life. I played hard to get and hoped he would turn his efforts elsewhere.
But I (Cliff) persisted. And through the overcoming of seemingly insurmountable odds and what some might call divine intervention, we married in October 2012. A professional videographer whom we did not know of heard about our unique story and contacted us, and made a video about our journey.
Because of my (Wai Jia) emotional baggage from childhood and my negative impression of marriage, I had entered into marriage full of faith and fear. I had heard it could be hell. When we faced conflicts, my mind would spiral into negativity, and a pessimistic voice would confirm: Aha, this is just the beginning of a lifetime of marital conflict and relationship woes. But whenever that happened, I would quell those negative voices by sharing them with our marriage mentors, who gave us the gift of a strong friendship, and constantly encouraged us to work through those refining moments. Having the privilege of a husband who is a voracious reader gave us the opportunity to read more marriage books to help us understand each other better. This gave us great insight not only into each other, but into the hurts and insecurities within us that we often projected onto each other in times of stress and conflict.
I (Cliff) still remember our first “formal” date. Since arriving to Singapore from Canada for a mere 16 days after our long-distance pen-pal relationship for a about a year, I had planned to take Wai Jia for a romantic walk along the esplanade that evening. Instead, over lunch at church, a couple who were marriage mentors themselves invited us to their homes for the start of a Marriage Preparation Course that very evening. Even though we were both just getting to know each other more, I thought it was a great idea. I signed us up on the spot. I still remember the look of shock on Wai Jia’s face! Through that course, together with other couples, we learnt the importance of listening, of communication and of learning to give up our priorities for each other, even at the expense of our own needs. I was serious about Wai Jia, so it was no problem for me to attend a Marriage Preparation Course on our first date!
What I (Wai Jia) have always admired about Cliff is his courage and dare to take the initiative. When he signed us up for the Marriage Preparation Course, it demonstrated to me his resolve and commitment to make our relationship work. It also gave me reassurance to know that the course was also a platform for us to understand each other’s needs and values, hurts and trigger points, and would help us discern if we were suitable for each other in the long run. We were the youngest couple there, at the earliest stage of our relationship, but because of this, we learnt many valuable skills and tips that have averted many emotional disasters, saved us hours of unnecessary arguments, and helped us work through many heated moments of tears with determination and hope.
By having marriage mentors and getting to know other couples going through a similar life stage together, we have experienced the benefits of being part of a supportive and loving community of people. Now, six months into our marriage, we are so thankful and relieved to be together. Looking back at our journey, it was certainly challenging- what with having to overcome the obstacles of distance, cancer and miscommunications. However, with the privilege of having marriage mentors who have walked before us to gently guide, encourage and direct us, we have had the opportunity to build a strong foundation for our marriage. We are not perfect- our relationship is still a work in progress. But we have learnt to see our conflicts as opportunities for growth, and identify road bumps as stepping stones to greater heights in our adventures together.
When young people ask us for advice for the “formula” for a relationship to work, there is so much we want to say. But more often, we direct them back to their own communities and share with them the wealth of resources that are actually available to them at their feet: marriage books, marriage preparation courses, parents, marriage mentors… the list is endless. Yet, an investment into each of these areas reaps bountiful returns.
In the run-up to the Big Day, most couples spend thousands of dollars and burn away many hours planning for their special day. Yet, we often ask, how many are willing to invest the same number of hours into building their marriage up and investing into marriage preparation emotionally, instead of ploughing headlong into an elaborate wedding event? For our wedding, we made the decision to channel all the money we received from friends to an anti-human trafficking ministry in Cambodia. We hope to encourage couples to see their union not as an end in itself, but as a potential for them, as a unit, to impact their communities around them in a more powerful and special way.
Now newly married, we know that a long and exciting journey lies ahead of us. We are honored to journey through it together. Through giving back to the community by speaking to youth about healthy relationship values at various platforms and being facilitators for “Focus on the Family”, we have also grown closer as a couple, as we share those precious values of love, respect, honor, selflessness and commitment with others.
Marriage is a commitment for a lifetime.
Make it count for life.
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
– Matthew 19:6