We went for a Parenting course yesterday. And my, did it cause a stir.
People thought we were either pregnant or, well… pregnant, and started congratulating us through Facebook. We clarified the matter, stating that we were attending the module because of our work with children and youth, and also for our future children- natural, spiritual and adopted.
The class was astonished when they discovered we were the only couple who had not yet kids. Our instructor was great- having known us, she put us straight at ease by introducing us as a special couple who reached out to children and youth in various capacities. During the round of introductions, I joked that this was in keeping with the trend and pattern of our relationship- Cliff having proposed even before we were in a relationship, and us attending marriage preparation class as a first date! The other parents roared with laughter. Everyone was tickled.
We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves through this very enriching course of self-discovery, learning how our parents’ parenting styles have shaped who we are today, and how we can learn to be strong, loving and encouraging parent-coaches in future. Yet, one thing disturbs me still. Why do we only scramble to equip ourselves when the times comes or when things go awry? Why is it odd to equip yourself in advance?
I find it interesting- that in a “kiasu” (Singaporean slang for “being afraid to lose out”) culture, nobody raises an eyebrow when people chase after degrees to get ahead in the rat race, or enroll their children in pre-school to get an early headstart in academia. But when it comes to family life skills, it almost seems outrageous that people want to invest time or money into one of the most meaningful and foundational areas of life. This grieves me.
Some parents were there out of exasperation- they had lost their hair with their kids. Others had grown-up kids just wanting to find out where they had gone wrong. At the end of the first class, the instructor asked us why we chose to attend the sessions, and how she could encourage other young couples to attend this course. Cliff said that he was encouraged to learn to be a great parent to better bring up our kids in the future. I gave the example of a boat’s rudder- at the beginning, the rudder could just one or two degrees off-tangent. But a few kilometers later, you could very well be steered in the wrong direction and end up in a completely different destination altogether. It is important to start off on the right foot, and get one’s rudder right. The storms of life are enough to throw one off course. And don’t forget, this ship now has a team of two, not one, guiding the ship and navigating the storms of life together.
Attending marriage preparation course on one of our first dates had the same effect on us. By setting our foundations right, we avoided many fatal pitfalls in the dangerous ravines and white-rapid courses of courtship and early marriage. My point is, when it comes to relationships and life, don’t expect life skills to come naturally. We are all broken, coming together to start new lives and build new ones too. Unless we recognize that and nip these problems in the bud, we can only expect to propagate our failures and fail in our navigations of life.
The questions we need to ask ourselves are- where are you at now and where is God leading you to? You may not have the definite answers to the second question- but if you are single and long to be married, or are married and long to be a parent, I urge you to see yourself as God sees you- the end product, refined and perfected, and equip yourself as you move towards that perfect goal. If you are single, seize the opportunity and fully utilize the freedom of singlehood to invest time in reading books on becoming whole, or dating responsibly, before the giddiness of dating sets in; if you are in a relationship, choose to invest time together to discover purposeful courtship and what it means to be in a meaningful marriage through a marriage preparation course together, before the wedding planning frenzy starts (this is also a good litmus test- if the other person has cold feet, he/she might not be in the relationship for the right reasons after all); if you are married and planning to have children, choose to spend time discussing what kind of parents you’d like to be, surround yourselves with good role models and invest your time as a couple in parenting courses, before the baby actually arrives and turns your life upside-down.
Focus on the Family has a plethora of affordable courses at various life stages which contain nuggets of gold and hidden treasures. The amazing thing is- studies have shown that the more “family-type” courses a couple attends together, the stronger their relationship is. By being able to anticipate the problems ahead and agreeing to stand in solidarity to tackle the challenges, we are able to discuss issues that would otherwise not have come up naturally and pledge our allegiance to each other before the storms hit. By going through the workbook exercises together in a structured environment, we are able to learn about positive parent-coaching in a safe environment and enjoy the privilege of learning from other parents. Even through being Focus on the Family facilitators in teaching youth about right principles for dating, our marriage has become stronger and deeper, too.
So don’t wait till it’s too late.
See yourself as God sees you, refined and perfected at the end,
and find ways to move towards that goal.
Just because you’re different doesn’t mean everyone else is right.
Start your rudder right today.
“Start children off on the way they should go,
and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”
– Proverbs 22:6