Fairytale?

Last Saturday, we leapt into our 6-month mark of being married.

Over the past few months, we have received numerous emails and messages on our love story online. We’d like to thank you for your encouragement and sending your love, as well as sharing how you’ve been inspired by God’s divine hand in our story. There have been, however, times we have been perturbed, though not frequently, by how our story has been misunderstood, misconstrued or taken out of context, especially by young couples giddy in love.

This is a long overdue but necessary post, especially in this time where Cliff and I have been asked to sign up as trainers to teach youth about healthy relationship values by Focus on the Family, an international non-profit organization that aims to build strong families. Entitled “It’s Uncomplicated”, we’ve been asked to conduct a course to youth at junior colleages and tertiary institutions about values for healthy relationships.

While we are no gurus ourselves, here are a few misconceptions we’d like to clear, and counsel we can offer to the common questions we receive. Really, when our values are firmly grounded, it’s not that complicated. Things get messy when our hearts have decided for ourselves what we want, before being open to what others have to say.

Warning & Disclaimer: This post could potentially be offensive.

 

Here goes:

 

Misconception 1:

“You guys had a long-distance, virtual relationship -so it’s okay for me too!”

 

Our video is 13 minutes long. It captures the magical essence, but not every part of our relationship.

Since its launch, we have met or heard a few young people, excited to know how quickly we married, how magically it all happened, and how young I am (relatively, I suppose), who were eager to apply this in their own relationships too. So we’d like to take this opportunity to share the behind-the-scenes thoughts and emotions to our decision-making, why things turned out well, and what the hidden principles were.

Yes, we did write for 2 years over long-distance at first, but not every long-distance relationship is set to fly or doomed to fail. Its timing in the relationship, motivations and self-interests behind it, as well as the length of long-distance conversing are all factors that play an important role in the health of any relationship.

 

Truth 1: In the counsel of many, there is wisdom.

When we wrote long-distance, my parents, church leaders and a few close friends I confided in were kept up-to-date about what I was doing. I was open in sharing with them my sense of ambiguity about writing to someone I had never met before, and through such strange and unexpected circumstances such as stumbling upon a blog by accident and having a common interest like triathlon. It surprised me to know they were okay with it, though a great deal of advice was also given to me to exercise caution to steer myself clear from giddy flatter and fall into intoxicated stupor through a virtual realm. Looking back, perhaps what gave them peace was that we wrote not out of boredom, or loneliness, or seeking emotional attachment, but it was what it was- a gift of serendipitious friendship.

 

Truth 2: Be your own whole.

I was careful to write each email prayerfully, and not to develop an emotional attachment too quickly to someone I was not sure about. I had made a decision not to use this as an opportunity to find my “other half” because that would mean I was looking for an opportunity and means to fill the gaps inside of me. God had to be the one to fill me, and not a virtual friend or pen-pal. I had to be whole in God, not in another person.

At times, I didn’t write back. There were periods of times we decided not to write so that we could reflect and pray about whether this was wise, or not. At one point, we decided perhaps it was better to stop writing.

 

Truth 3: The Importance of Being Earnest

When Cliff first wanted to visit me in Singapore after 6 months of writing, I was naturally excited. After all, this was a pen-pal who had similar interests to me. It seemed quite an exciting thing to do. Following Truth 1 to seek counsel from my mentors at church, I was disappointed when they said no. I did not argue with them. What impressed me was Cliff’s reaction, “If they are not comfortable, I can understand why. I respect their decision, because I would respond similarly if one of my youths told me the same scenario. I’m glad you’re obeying and honouring them. God-willing, there will be another opportunity for us to meet.”

I learnt, that being earnest to obey and respect the authority above you (both parents and spiritual leadership) reaps great returns, in ways that we cannot see and fathom at first but only in due time. Also, a gentleman will always respect honourable values such as this.

True enough, a year after we wrote to each other, Cliff went on a mission trip to Cambodia and swung by Singapore. To my amazement, my church mentors were open to meeting him and thought it was respectable and “serious” of him to want to finally meet. It was perfect timing, as I was celebrating my 24^th birthday that weekend with a big gathering, and he got to meet every person important in my life there. I learnt, that when we are patient, God has His better timing. Sometimes, the answer is not No, but a matter of timing. In our own haste, we can sometimes miss God’s Best for just mediocre-good. I also learnt, that in matters of the heart, it is important to be accountable and transparent to those who care about you. When we are earnest to obey and respect authority, blessings abound naturally.

 

Truth 4: Be There.

There are also some couples who may take our example as a reason to date long-distance for a long period of time- be it for studies, work or other reasons. What they sometimes overlook is the length of this period of time being away from each other, the motivations behind this decision, and the end to which this works towards. Have you been dating for a long time and putting off marriage year after year for your own personal career advancement? Is this length of being away an excuse? Are you both moving towards convergence (marriage) or drifting farther and farther away from each other? Are you at the right age for such decisions?

Few people knew I declined my place at John Hopkins University, the top university for Public Health, the year Cliff proposed to me. It was a decision I made based on the fact that we knew our marriage was God’s plan for us. This decision was also made under the counsel and knowledge of those above us- parents and mentors. And while this does not mean that all relationships require an early death in academic or career pursuits (we still have plans to pursue further studies again), this decision was partially based on the fact that we knew the importance of being in the same place. (This story will be for another post.)

Some couples think they can get away with a decade of dating without commitment to marriage while constantly being in different continents, only to find themselves “just friends” at the end of their degrees and prestigious achievements. Having said that, some couples have, in necessary circumstances survived these rigors, while others, in the same neighbourhood hardly spend enough time with each other. Are you being apart for selfish reasons? Do you see yourselves maintaining the relationship? Are you giving yourselves enough time and opportunity to be in the same place to know each other sufficiently?

 

Every case is different, but hearing the counsel of many gave us a good compass to navigate through our many decisions in adulthood.

In our case, though unique, the traditional and unfailing values of prudence, transparency, accountability and respect for authority was exercised in our circumstances. Our story should not be taken as a tacit approval indiscriminately to all virtual relationships or online dating, which can be a disguise for predators, fear of rejection or emotional convenience. It should not be taken as an excuse or reason not to get to know each other more face-to-face.

We learnt, how essential it is to take in the wisdom of those who cared for us.

 

= = =

 

Misconception 2:

“You guys had a quick marriage and married young -so it’s okay for me too!”

 

It must be selective hearing because yes, while I was 25 (relatively young for today’s modern society) when I married, Cliff was at the grand (ok, not so grand) age of 32. Marriage requires a great deal of thought, commitment and sacrifice, and should not be taken lightly.

 

Truth 5: Wait and Win.

We recently got to know a couple as acquaintances. After hearing our story, they were eager to settle down at age 22, even though their parents were ambivalent. Six months later, they broke up. After planning for our first wedding in 6 months, and in the midst of planning our second small ceremony in Canada this June, I can safely assure you that planning for an event like this without the support of your parents (both sides, mind you) as well as the support of the spiritual authority above you (if you are religious), is heading for disaster.

I suppose not many knew that my parents were wildly against Cliff at first. Him being Canadian, him being a missionary (read “no steady high income” and “not-a-doctor”), him having had a liver transplant and on long-term immunosuppressants were all red, red flags to them shouting Catastrophe.

When Cliff asked for my hand in marriage about 2 months after we met, my father told him point-blank that he had no financial means to take care of a girl like me. “Can you give my daughter the same life I have been giving her all her life?” Read that as me living in a condominium with a pool, and gym, eating at nice restaurants once or twice a week, and going on family vacations to faraway places.

Cliff was devastated. We did not talk for a few days. Later, he revealed to me he thought it was over. There was no way he could fulfill the criteria my parents expected of him. They wanted me to marry a doctor. He instead, had a liver transplant! No matter that he had accomplished an Iron Man. But we both decided, that without our parents’ approval, we would not marry.

This was excruciatingly painful. My parents talked to me every night to dismiss Cliff. They pummelled me with questions I could not answer- how is he going to take care of you? What happens if his liver acts up? You want to look after him for the rest of your life?

So we fasted and prayed. And we sought counsel from our church leaders, who felt at peace about our desire to marry, and agreed to stand alongside us in our journey in prayer. After fasting and praying daily for 3 weeks, my mother came to ask me one day, “Can we help you both in getting a place to stay?”

Because of Cliff’s gentlemanly response to my father, he has become a new favourite among my parents.

We learnt: Waiting and honouring authority, both parental and spiritual, has incredible rewards. Not obeying either risks missing out on tremendous divine benefits. It also strengthened much of our faith in God. Had we gone ahead without their consent, thinking that we were right, we would never have been able to win our parents’ and church leaders’ trust, respect and love.

Now, we enjoy a wonderful home because of our parents’ generosity in renting it to us at half price, and great trust from our church leaders who are slowly imparting to us more responsibility in fruitful community work. We knew a couple who wait more than 5 years to marry because the lady’s parents hated her then-boyfriend for quitting his job to become a church leader. Now, their whole family adores him and they have a baby boy. He has also earned respect from his friends and church leaders.

As Tim Stafford puts it, “There’s a right and a wrong way to get something done. A lot of it has to do with timing.”  If your partner has not the patience to seek the wisdom and obtain the green light from both your parents and spiritual authority (if any), then perhaps this may just be an indicator of underlying immaturity or unaddressed issues.

 

Truth 6: Be Willing to Let Go.

So even though the process from dating to marriage was swift for us, we felt it had a lot to do with being willing to obey authority, being willing to wait, and being willing to let go. Our relatively short journey from courtship to marriage is not the lesson to learn- rather it is the result of learning the lesson of honoring authority and being prayerful to wait. Being willing to let go means: at one point, we both prayed for strength and grace to carry on with our lives separately, if God showed us that we were not meant for each other.

 

= = =

 

Misconception 3:

“You guys had a whirlwind romance -so it’s okay for me too!”

I will be upfront to say there were many opinions on this. Till today, we remember the couple who invited us over for dinner and told us upfront they felt we were not suitable to marry so soon. I should “build my career” a bit more first, they said. They were giving good advice- after all, we had dated face-to-face for just a few months. Point to note though, we had written to each other daily, sometimes a few times a day, for about a year.

So did this mean we went against good counsel? Yes we did, but as mentioned, there is wisdom in the counsel of many. We realized that everybody’s opinion came from their own unique experiences, so naturally views differed. But listening to them with an open mind opened our eyes to anticipate potential problems- wedding planning in a stressful job, living together is a potential source of friction… We also learnt to be open to what they had to say, and to be mindful not to only take in what we wanted to hear.

Truth 7: Picking and choosing counsel we want to take in, is not wise.

So what did that mean? It meant that though at times we faced conflicting opinions, we brought everything back in prayer to God. Looking at the big picture, we only went ahead when ALL the Big Things were aligned: parental consent, consent from senior pastors, consent from church leaders, my best friend’s consent (ha!)… When these were aligned, things became clear.

Our “whirlwind romance” was built upon transparency, open-ness and accountability with our friends, family and mentors. Most of all, it was built upon a foundation of prayer, putting God first and holding it loosely lest we discover it was just simply, not meant to be. There are couples from both ends of the spectrum- those who want to marry too fast too soon at the expense of the worry of their parents and mentors, and those who have been dating for years without any firm commitment to marry, stating finances or other reasons of convenience as a reason to push back the responsibilities of this lifelong commitment. There is no one-size-fit-all answer, and we will be unable to answer all the queries we receive, but one thing we know for sure- there is wisdom in the counsel of many, and virtue in waiting for peace.

It really isn’t that complicated!

While these lessons and truths that we learnt aren’t exhaustive (there’re so many principles we have learnt, and I hope to share them in time), they certainly played a key role in helping us start off on the right foot. Too many people plunge into marriage without being responsible or accountable to people above them because they either have not the patience to wait or are not open to counsel, yet still expect the same community of people to be there for them when they meet road-bumps in their marriage. Contrary to popular belief, marriage is not a duo, but a beautiful part of a complete vibrant and supportive community.

 

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So we hope these simple truths will shed some light into your lives, whatever circumstance you may be in- happily swinging single, awaiting being attached, nervously dating, in stable courtship, contemplating marriage or break-up, or married and hoping to give counsel to others as well… that they might help you see things differently, and point you back in the right direction.

 

Wait on God, and wait for the Big Things to align themselves. If they don’t, then perhaps you may need to rethink where you both are at now.

 

Fairytales, are not borne out of dust.

 

Cliff & Wai Jia, photo by Samuel

 

*We apologize for not being able to write back to all your emails, but we hope that these principles will help guide you in your journey back to God. This will be the first blogpost of our series of “Waiting for the One” posts.